Last Saturday

Last Saturday we were in Colorado. Berthoud, Colorado, to be exact. It was my father's funeral. The reason he was taken to Colorado was that both his parents and his oldest brother are buried there, and he wanted to be next to them. He and Teresa had made the arrangements while he was still able to. And it went a lot more smoothly than I had expected, as there were quite a few setbacks with the cemetery and such. You'd think that in a business where you sold land to people to be buried in, you would have information where vaults and such would fit. Sadly, no. After about three tries, it seemed that they finally figured it out. I'm just glad they didn't give my stepmom a heart attack in the process.


Anyway, I'm posting about it. Not only for my memories, but because a lot of you have asked. For the record, I know I'm taking the easy way out by not thanking each and everyone of you individually. But I am begging each of you to please understand. I'm all about the easy way right now. Those of you that have left comments, warm thoughts, messages, flowers, treats, gifts...and so on and so forth, thank you all so much. I've been overwhelmed, but in a really nice way.

The funeral was actually really nice. Jeff did the program for me--and he drew a portrait of my father as a boy. As usual, he did an excellent job. I didn't have any programs left, otherwise I would have posted a copy of it. My sisters Lora and Muffy and my brother Jessey all wrote down memories of Dad, and I wrote a poem on the back. I think Dad would have liked it. He would have been touched by the memories and the nice things that were written. For those of you that wondered, yes, I sang. I was having a really hard time carrying the tune, and I shook the whole time, so I wasn't entirely audible, and I'm glad that no one got it on film. But, I did it. I did it for Dad, and I like to think he appreciated my effort.

Cole ended up taking my video camera and taking various pictures of people and headstones and such. At first I was a little concerned that it was probably not the most kosher activity during a funeral, however, after looking at the photos, and the random things that he captured, I'm happy that he did. There's no way I would have felt comfortable taking pictures of people, but he doesn't have a problem with it. At all.

Jeff and Riley and Cole and Syd were there for me the whole time. Syd got tired of being held, and it was either listen to her complain or let her crawl around. Yet another thing that was probably trashy...as she seemed to make herself at home all over other's headstones...but, she was content.

My stepmom, Teresa asked me to kind of orchestrate the program, so I had to do a lot more speaking than I had planned on, but I think it went well. Lora, Muff, and Jess were there to help and carry out certain parts of the program, as well. We were all there for each other, and after all the ongoing family drama that we've had, it was such a relief to just take comfort in each other's presence. I realized how grateful I am for my siblings. I mean, I know I love them, but there isn't anyone that knows what my life was like better than they do, there isn't anyone that can relate to me on that level the way they can, because they were there. That's a powerful part of family--just knowing how an individual came to be the person they are today--being there for so many of those milestones.


A lot of people there, I didn't know. They were friends of my father's. They had in common that he'd affected their lives in a positive way. He was a man that always looked out for those in need, and was willing to help where he could, and he was charitable. A couple of his friends had been on the receiving end of his charity. And I was proud of him. To help that many people-to help them profoundly and quietly is such an admirable thing. I want to be that way, as well.


Probably one of the greatest things about last weekend was getting to be with my half sister and brother. It's not like all those years of not knowing each other are now eliminated, but we got kind of connected, and it was so weird to see how alike we all are, despite not knowing each other for so long. There are some things that are totally genetic. My brother Jayson, and my sister, Shelly are on the right side.

On the way home we stopped at Lora and Mark's house in Laramie. They recently had it built and it's beautiful. All hard wood flooring and nice fixtures and stuff that I will probably never have, but can truly appreciate. She and her husband fixed us dinner and let us hang out for a while before we started the long drive home. As we were there, my brother Jessey and his wife Gabby showed up, and then Muffy and Chris. I had to get a picture of just us. It's been years since we've been in the same area. And sometimes it's so surreal to see that we are all adults and we're living our own lives.


And that was that. There was a lot more, but it's so late, and my eyes are drooping and I'm just feeling that exhaustion that makes you unable to move anything. So I'll bid you all a goodnight. But again, thanks so much for being such great friends and family. That truly means so much to me, and I'm grateful that I've been so blessed to have such great people in my life. Love to you all.

Fw: My breakfast/lunch

And I still couldn't finish. The wise guy burger. Red Robin. Yes, those are cheese sticks on top of the pepperoni. Currently they are lodged in my upper abdomen. Its gonna make my jog tonight even less enjoyable.

Today

I'm feeling a lot of conflicting emotions today. I kind of have to journalize them, as I'm better at writing stuff down, rather than talking about it. First off, I'm scared. I will bury my Dad in 3 hours. Sometimes I am holding it together so well I wonder if I have any emotions left. And then I'll hear something or have a random thought and I'm back at square one--knowing Dad is gone forever...and am so sad I can't even breathe. I'm hating myself for "Facebooking" this event. Almost like it cheapens the whole thing. On the other hand? Facebook has been so much more preferable to actually talking to people--to calling them up or emailing. I'm so concerned with other things right now, talking is the last thing I want to do. I guess, initiating the talking is the last thing.
Then when I do talk to someone, and they say they're sorry, I don't know what to say. So am I? Not as sorry as I am, its my dad, after all. And I know that's not fair because I know how I feel in the face of someone else's loss and though I don't understand everything, just knowing what sadness and hurt they're enduring makes me so sad. So for now, Facebook works in letting me tell others a little about what's going on, without having to explain everything, and having to gauge reactions and explanations. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, even though I know it's not overly kosher.
I'm constantly shaking. Like a Meth addict without the miraculous weight loss and energy, and with better teeth. But the shaking is overly annoying. I can't get anything done. Some would venture to say it was too much caffeine. But as we all know, it isn't.
Jeff has helped me so much...but I'm still pretty wrecked and I don't know how to say it. I don't look forward to this afternoon, when I see people I haven't seen in 18 years...and I'm supposed to take comfort in their words and presence. That's rude, too. I know it. I think being bitter is just so much easier for me than being sad. I worry about my Stepmom, Teresa. She loved my dad so much, and she's done so much, and she's burying her best friend today. Because even though their relationship was sometimes imperfect, they were always best friends, and I saw that. And I grieve for her, as well. If I were to lose Jeff...or any of my little ones, I don't think I could do anything. I know I'd be expected to go on for the others and such...but I don't know how people do it. Maybe a little each day? I don't know.
I'm just rambling now. I have been doing that. Both in my head and outloud...and not only is it kind of creepy, it's annoying. So I'll start doing my hair. And my makeup. And try to work on the song I'm going to sing. And know that I'll probably be bawling the whole time and will sound inaudible, but Dad told me before he died that he'd be there, and he'd love it. So, I'll try it out, I guess.

Right now.

Right now I'm sitting on my stepmom's couch. I'm watching my father...and seeing someone that I don't know. He's in the last phase of his life. He'll go soon. I see why a lot of people don't document the last little while of a person's suffering from cancer. It takes your body and turns you into someone else. Someone that you pray you'd never be. Seeing my father like this is hard...and I don't think I've cried so much, ever. But, I am so grateful to be here. I see how my stepmom is taking care of my father, and my heart swells with gratitude. She loves him. She talks to him. She treats him like she always has. And even I find myself talking to him like I sometimes do to Syd. Something that I realistically know my dad would loathe. I also see that life truly comes full circle. I had never really paid attention to the saying of "we leave this world the way we entered it", until this. He's sleeping now. And I hope this is the way he passes. Dreaming about his working days and occasionally murmuring to old friends and coworkers.
I miss my own little family, as I've been here a couple of days. Jeff is watching our babies, and helping me in more ways than I could ever count. He's really come through for me. I feel like this is yet another way in that Jeff's job, (and the fact that he's just awesome), has benefited us--he can be with the kids while I'm with my dad.
I can honestly say that the hardships that I've encountered in my life have always taught me the most important things. This time it's family. Real family. The truth that those that love you--really love you, are willing to put all personal crap aside, and become humble and just be there. Be there regardless of where they are personally, or regardless of how something might make them uncomfortable, or even if it's something they swore they would never do...they'll put all that aside, and let you know that you're loved, and cared for. My father's dying has proven this to me time and time again. I know a lot of people I'm talking about don't read this blog. Don't know about it. But I know that a couple do. So for them, I want to give my thanks for loving me. For loving Dad. For being there and giving me support when I needed it most. My stepmother has gone through so much, but she still is concerned about how I'm feeling. My sister and brother helped me lighten the load, and smile at such a sad time. And my uncle, and friends and even people I didn't know prior to this ordeal, have been so thoughtful and loving. Jeff has been beyond loyal and loving, and my kids know what I'm doing, know why I'm doing it, and tell me they love me each time I walk through the door exhausted and sad. I feel so lucky that I have such a wonderful support system.
So right now, I'm thinking that I can make it through this. That the people that I have come to depend on need to be able to depend on me, as well. The next week and possibly the next, will be so difficult, I really can't imagine what it will entail. But knowing that I'm loved and that I'm in good company, which I am, makes all the difference. I apologize for being so sporadic with my posts, lately...but I think you all know that there's a good reason for it. I hope all of you have a great week. And that you are able to be with the people you love. Because I really believe that this is the point to the whole living thing.