Thanks.

I wanted to respond to all your comments via post, rather than commenting in the appropriate section.  Because I know I have a lot of things to say and why not give you all a "pretend post" to glance over while you're faking your way through work?  
First off, the relief I feel is very freeing.  I have been able to sleep, and that in itself has made me feel less anxious and heartsick.  I don't know what I would do without sleep.  I would need to be locked up or something, because life looks a lot more dreary without it.  
Anyway, Kids Who Count called me today.   They made another appointment for Syd a week from today to have two specialists come out and give me their assessment of her.  I'm a little nervous, because no matter what, whenever there is any kind of "test" to be taken, I worry.  But I'm going into this knowing two things.  One, Syd is smart--she can figure stuff out that Cole still has a hard time with.  And two, she's really started to learn more and more in the last few days.  Also, I think having Peggy come out and exceed my expectations gave me a new view.  I'm less down on myself for Syd having hardships.  We are gelling more, and she's honestly trying, and I've found that I have more patience, and more readily accept that it will take time. 
More on that as it unfolds.

Again, much thanks for all your stories, inquiries, support, and just all-round good vibes.  It's all been felt.  I know that a couple of weeks ago between Cole and his gluten intolerance, and Syd's little meltdowns here and there, I was ready for a vacation.  From my life.  And the sad part is, I know that my problems, in comparison to a lot of people out there, are quite minimal.  But they always feel bigger.  

 I also said I really felt alone in this...and before, I was a bit afraid to blog about it.  Because it's personal.  You know, she's my baby.  

But I should have been more confident in your willingness to show love and help, and most of all, understanding.  I guess it's true that we all love someone more than we knew possible.  And they hold such a private and special place in our hearts.  And we share that feral, fighting protectiveness over them.
Brandi, Keri, Kory, Kyle, Lora, and Sharon.  Thanks for your love and concern.  
Amy, Erinn, Kass, Leah, and Sarah C-B:  I appreciated your sharing stories of concern about your little ones.  You know, to me, it's easy to see how smart and loving and confident all your kids are.  Whether it be in pictures, or just seeing them as they are around you.  I think Leah's comment of the Lord giving us our babies specifically to US is completely true.  We know them.  They know us, and we usually can give them the leeway they need to let them be them.  
However, sometimes life interferes.  And it's hard to keep perspective when you're so close to everything.  (And Moriah, I should have just told myself to rely on your advice about everything, because you were totally right all along--just like you always are).   :)
Leah, I feel like you nailed a lot of what I feel in your comment.  I do have a lot of guilt...because I drank Diet Mountain Dew while I was pregnant.  Because I was taking anti-depressants up until the day that I found out I was pregnant.  Because I'm so unhappy and uncomfortable while I'm pregnant, and I fear that the baby picks up on that, just by growing inside of me.  And I worry that somehow my babies think that's their fault.  Jeff tries to understand, but he just doesn't know what all that feels like.  I was supposed to give her this place to have the best start possible...and I wasn't perfect.  So sometimes I think that all that guilt that usually is put aside after you have the baby, hangs around...and then pounces when anything remotely negative or worrisome rears its head.
It's never meant to be easy, I think.  I'm always paranoid when things are going too smoothly, as well...so I guess I'm never satisfied.  But I know I'm loved.  And I know Sydney is loved, and I have  friends and family that honestly care and are willing to share their hardships, in order to help me get through mine.  I'm a lucky girl.  Love to you all.  

Walking on Sunshine.

Have you ever heard that song?  It's dumb.  Also, I've always thought it's a stupid saying.  Walking on sunshine isn't only impossible, but would be hot, and uncomfortable, and the end result would be agonizing death.  You know.  Stuff like that.
 However, in the sense that it's a way of saying life is great, and happiness abounds, I'll use it.  Sorry I didn't get posting earlier, but yesterday we were at a baptism, (way to go, Mags!) and then I had a bazillion errands to run.  And then today, while people were watching the Super Bowl, I was sleeping.  In fact, I went to bed this morning around 1:00 am, and didn't get up until 2:00 pm--when I woke up for about two seconds. I felt guilty about sleeping so long and asked Jeff what time it was, then found myself waking up again at 3:45, feeling like I could probably have gone back to bed until Monday, but thought that would have made me a bad wife and mother.  And I've already got enough marks against me, for sure.

Big thanks to Jeff for letting me sleep in so much.  This past week my anxiety was out of control...and I was getting about 3 1/2 hours of sleep each night.  I got a couple of naps during the days that Jeff was home, but they were filled with dreams about all the unsavory crap that was clouding my thoughts, and how it could possibly get worse, so I didn't count it as actual rest.  And though with his work he hasn't been getting any sleep either, but he still knew that I was at the breaking point, and let me have my zzzzz's.  Very nice of him.
So.  Friday Morning.  I got up with the kids, and took them to school, and Sydney woke up early, so I got her out of bed and we played.  She had been up late the night before, and I REALLY didn't want her to be bratty and whiny during Peggy's (from Kids who Count), time observing her.  We watched one of her videos, and she actually pointed and tried to say different parts of different words.  But only partials.  I was great with it, though...I'm all about seeing her try.  And I had her eat a big breakfast, and we read some books, and spun in the Lazy Boy for a while...and then she got a little grouchy around 12:30 and I put her down for a nap, for which she was very ready.
It was then time for me to get myself prepared.  I picked up the living room and kitchen.  And then took my shower and tried to think about how to tell Jeff what my meeting was about.  He came into the bathroom as I was almost done showering and I told him that my meeting was with a lady from Kids Who Count, and he asked why, and I told him that the day before had been really hard, and that I'd blogged about it.  So maybe if he wanted to read that first, and then ask me questions later, that would be the easiest way to explain.  He said okay, and then left me to finish getting ready for the afternoon.  
Honestly I was afraid he'd be upset.  Not that he doesn't want the best for Sydney, he just doesn't see her development in the questionable way that I do.  He's that guy that doesn't care about people talking to her, only to have her not even make eye contact and pretend she doesn't hear them.  He'll ask me why that bugs me, and I want everyone to see what I see:  A beautiful, sweet little girl that's smart and funny and sassy.  I don't want them to think that something's wrong with her.  And Jeff is like, "You know how she is, you know who she is.  So why does it matter what anyone else thinks?"  

I know that it shouldn't matter to me the way it does.  But the fact is, it does.  And when I see so many people question, it makes me question.  And the biggest question is "Am I doing enough for her?"  And I honestly appreciate Jeff's confidence in Syd.  If I didn't have him, I'd be a total mess.  I do rely on his short and to the point way of telling me that I am just worrying for no reason, and making life harder than it needs to be.  I know that sounds like I don't have confidence in her, and that's not right, either.  Maybe it's mostly not having confidence in myself.  
Anyway, when I came out of the bathroom he asked a few questions, and I was ready to defend myself, and it turned out that I didn't need to.  He acknowledged that I really have worried, and there was no problem in seeing what they'd say, he just didn't want me to take something that they said, and turn it into this huge negative ordeal.  And I never do that.  So I don't even know why he brought that up.  ;)

Anyway, I explained my point of view and cried during the entire process, cause that's how I do it, and he patiently listened to me.  When I was done, he said "The thing that I worry about is that you're shorting yourself of enjoying Syd.  She's only going to be this age once."  And I've talked to Muff about this a lot, and she's said the same thing.
I agree with both of them.  I honestly hate thinking that I'm wasting these years that seem to go way too quickly anyway, trying to change her...and make her grow up.  I hate wasting this time more than anything. And then fear creeps in...fear that maybe I need help.  That maybe she needs help.  You know how I say that ignorance is bliss?  Normally for me, it is.  But not when it comes to my kids.  Ignorance scares the crap out of me. 
I waited for Peggy to show up.  And when she did, Syd was awake and in a happy mood.  And then something fantastic happened.  Syd was ON.  She was funny and sweet, and showed Peggy her Spongebob shirt, and "accidentally" dropped her shirt after she took it off and held onto her cheeks and said, "Oh-oh!"  Which is her version of "Uh-oh", and she showed Peggy where her nose is and showed her toys, and told her the different animal sounds she knows, and so on and so forth.  I was so proud, and impressed and thankful.  Long story short, Syd needs help with her speech.  This isn't news.  But, Peggy told me that she seems very social.  Very interested in her surroundings.  That she's very observant and curious, and willing to listen and try.  
I could have kissed her.  I didn't, just so you know, but I could have.  
And since the meeting?  Syd has been wowing all of us.  It's almost like she IS identical to Jeff.  Like, she knows that I was at my wits end, and I needed some sort of sign.  So she performed.  For me.  I know that Jeff does this, too.  That, sometimes, even though I really try to understand him and accept him for who he is, I ask for a little more.  Just because.  Just because I'm kind of selfish and I need it.  And when I get that way, Jeff gives me what I need, (one of the requirements of being married to someone mentally unstable), and I feel like Syd did the same for me.  
It turns out we will enroll Syd into this program.  I was really worried about cost, because Speech Therapy is quite expensive, and our insurance deductible is insanely high.  However, it turns out that Kids Who Count bases their payment on the family's income, and it will be something we can afford.  And like I said earlier...it really helped Cole.  I guess now that everything is in a positive light, I'm excited to start this program with Sydney.  I think she'll really like it...and I love that a lot of the help they give is in our own home.  That in itself is a hugely positive factor with my kids. 

 I want to thank you all for your love and concern and your patience with me.  And for your words of encouragement and advice.  When it comes to those I love, sometimes the most obvious decisions are the hardest ones to make.  But I think in cases like this, it's so much easier knowing that I have  great friends, and great family and such an awesome support system.  So thanks to you all.  Your support and encouragement means more than you'll ever know.  

Before I lose my nerve.

As people we go to bed at night, and usually contemplate how the day went.  Not that we can make changes while we lay there, but personally, I try to tell myself what I can do differently the next day.  Was it a good day?  Mostly they are.  I'm grateful that they seem to be going in that direction. Sure, I always have little tweaks; little changes that I tell myself I can do, to make the next day more productive or positive.  Content that I've somehow kinda solved whatever problem with whatever reason, I am okay enough that I tell myself, "Do better tomorrow".  And then, being infinitely tired, I can sleep somewhat peacefully.
Today was a bad day.  I mean, really bad.  Not only did I feel pressured in ways that were beyond my control, but I realized that I had allowed something to continually go unsatisfactorily for over a year.  Sydney's development is a constant worry to me.  And I know that I go back and forth and back and forth on what I tell you about her progress.  The truth?  Well, the truth is just that.  One day she blows me away with how smart and funny and sweet she is.  And I overlook the fact that she's only saying the first letter sound of words, and hasn't as of yet ever said anything remotely like a sentence.  And I'm okay with it...honest I am.  She has exceeded my expectations so much, used the appropriate sign language all day, that I'm willing to let not saying any actual words, slide.  And then there are other days.  Days like today when she cries about everything.  And I don't know what she wants.  And I'm so frustrated because can't she just say "juice" or "milk" or "I watch Spongebob!"  How hard is that?  And so I grab a book and start reading it to her, and she doesn't want to listen to me read, she wants to tear the pages out.  So I get one of her board books, and just point to the dog and say "dog" repeatedly until maybe she will say:  "rff, rff".  Because usually she's all about the noises that animals make, and can do them pretty well.  So well, that I overlook the fact that she refuses to actually say "dog".   But that wasn't working, either. 

I found her Baby Einstein DVD, where they teach you little words like "house", and "dog", and "cat", and "cup".  Just some basic stuff that toddlers at Syd's age should be trying to string together with to or more words, to make a crude sentence.  As I got the DVD out, I watched as Syd stood in front of the television and watched the kids make the signs and say the words, and she babbled, copied some signs, and said a lot of "di, di, di," while pointing.  But no words.  
I started thinking about when I  bought that DVD...and how a guy asked me if they really worked for getting your babies to talk.  And I tried to remember how that conversation came about, and where it happened, and why I was talking to some strange guy about children's DVD's.  I remembered he said that he had a baby girl that he wanted to start talking...and I remember he had smelled of cigarette smoke.  Not that I say that in a mean way, I just noticed it.  He was a nice guy, and I couldn't place why I'd been talking to him...in my living room.  
I remembered saying, "they helped my son, I'm hoping they'll help this one," and then Syd running by and climbing onto our couch.  
Then I realized we were in our other house.  

I was talking to to the guy they had sent out to give us an estimate on the tile in our kitchen...almost exactly a year ago.  A sick feeling went through me because I remember I'd worried back then about Syd and her refusal to talk, comforting myself by constantly saying, "She's only 12 months, she's only 13 months, she's only 14 months..." and so on.  And entire year later, not a lot has changed.  That sick feeling that came over me at that discovery hasn't left me all day.  In fact, I called Jeff at work, just because I needed to talk about it with someone that loves and knows Syd like I do.  But he didn't answer.  And that's not his fault, he's been crazy busy.  Like, not eating, not sleeping, living-life-like-a-walking-Zombie-thats-only-motivation-graphic design-rather-than-brain, busy.  He's been pretty down and out, because life has just kinda been passing him by the past couple weeks, and he's not seeing the end of the tunnel just yet.  So I didn't want to bother him more.  When I get a text after asking him what I can do to help his stress and he replies with:  "Kill me?  I haven't eaten or used the restroom all day, and it just doesn't stop", I know he's not up to making me feel better about Sydney's developmental state.  And so I kept this information to myself.  

After a couple more attempts and failures to get her to say something, anything resembling an actual word, I cried and she cried. She was angry, I was angry...it was nap time and we both needed to get some sleep.  But I laid there and thought depressing stuff.  I have found that kids--my kids, develop differently.  And yes.  I know that I can't MAKE Syd change in one day, and trying isn't only crazy, but totally unfair.  But it was one of those days.  Those days when nothing goes right, and it's just too complicated to think about what's ahead of us.  So I got up, and I made a call.  
Tomorrow I have a woman from Kids That Count coming to our house to meet with me and Syd at 2:15.  These are the same people that helped with Cole, only when they worked with him, he was about four months older.  I told Jeff that I have a meeting tomorrow at that time, I didn't tell him why.  Currently he's working on one of THREE projects that must be done by tomorrow morning.  So if he can sleep at all tonight, I will let him.  Plus, I don't want him to talk me out of this.  I think Jeff sees my worry about Syd as something exaggerated.  And honestly?  I really, really hope it is.  He'll find out tomorrow.  Either he'll sit in with me, or I'll tell him what happened.  And I'll let you know how it turns out...I decided that I'm going to document this process.  Because it's really painful, and when it comes to me being distant and anti-social, I hope you'll all give me time.  I felt this same way when Cole was a baby.  And he came out of it, he got help, and now he's my kid that never stops talking.  I came out of my funk when he came out of his.  
I want that for Syd, too.  I'm tired of explaining that "she doesn't talk to anyone" to people that tell me she's beautiful and say hi to her, and wait for her to say something back.  This happens really frequently.  Or they ask her a question, only to have her not make eye contact.  If I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it's because she doesn't like people, not because she needs help, then I would gladly accept that she's just anti-social.  But I can't shake this feeling that she needs a little help.  And I can't feel good about myself if I don't at least try, you know?  
Anyway, I'll tell you what I find out.  Because I wish I could read someone else's experience in this...I feel really alone and scared, and I know I'm not the only person that's experienced this.  But I also know how much stress and worry this is causing me...and I'm sure that's why people keep quiet about it.  Anyway, I know tonight I won't be getting much sleep.  I have a lot to think about.  I'm concerned that I have so much to tweak and change that I'll just dread everything until I tell Jeff about the meeting and get it over with.  I know I won't sleep peacefully, but hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.