I'm feeling a lot of conflicting emotions today. I kind of have to journalize them, as I'm better at writing stuff down, rather than talking about it. First off, I'm scared. I will bury my Dad in 3 hours. Sometimes I am holding it together so well I wonder if I have any emotions left. And then I'll hear something or have a random thought and I'm back at square one--knowing Dad is gone forever...and am so sad I can't even breathe. I'm hating myself for "Facebooking" this event. Almost like it cheapens the whole thing. On the other hand? Facebook has been so much more preferable to actually talking to people--to calling them up or emailing. I'm so concerned with other things right now, talking is the last thing I want to do. I guess, initiating the talking is the last thing.
Then when I do talk to someone, and they say they're sorry, I don't know what to say. So am I? Not as sorry as I am, its my dad, after all. And I know that's not fair because I know how I feel in the face of someone else's loss and though I don't understand everything, just knowing what sadness and hurt they're enduring makes me so sad. So for now, Facebook works in letting me tell others a little about what's going on, without having to explain everything, and having to gauge reactions and explanations. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, even though I know it's not overly kosher.
I'm constantly shaking. Like a Meth addict without the miraculous weight loss and energy, and with better teeth. But the shaking is overly annoying. I can't get anything done. Some would venture to say it was too much caffeine. But as we all know, it isn't.
Jeff has helped me so much...but I'm still pretty wrecked and I don't know how to say it. I don't look forward to this afternoon, when I see people I haven't seen in 18 years...and I'm supposed to take comfort in their words and presence. That's rude, too. I know it. I think being bitter is just so much easier for me than being sad. I worry about my Stepmom, Teresa. She loved my dad so much, and she's done so much, and she's burying her best friend today. Because even though their relationship was sometimes imperfect, they were always best friends, and I saw that. And I grieve for her, as well. If I were to lose Jeff...or any of my little ones, I don't think I could do anything. I know I'd be expected to go on for the others and such...but I don't know how people do it. Maybe a little each day? I don't know.
I'm just rambling now. I have been doing that. Both in my head and outloud...and not only is it kind of creepy, it's annoying. So I'll start doing my hair. And my makeup. And try to work on the song I'm going to sing. And know that I'll probably be bawling the whole time and will sound inaudible, but Dad told me before he died that he'd be there, and he'd love it. So, I'll try it out, I guess.
5 years ago
9 comments:
I'm glad you're talking about it on facebook, otherwise I'd have to hear it from other people and would feel more disconnected from you than I already do.
I'm thinking of you and all your family.
Oh Rain, my hearts with you for the next while. If there is anything I can do please let me know.
Rainey, I hope things went well yesterday. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I can't imagine how hard it is.
I think the FB thing is perfectly fine. But I am amazed and totally proud that you sang at the funeral! Wow, wow, wow. You are a strong woman, Miss Rainey. I wish I was there with you. Sad times.
What strength you show. I can't imagine what it takes to sing at your fathers funeral. I know he loved it.
I'm soooo happy you are using facebook. I've always felt close to you kids, but this is something that I'm not included in since it's your Dad. Facebook allows me to glimpse a tiny bit of what you are going through. I hate that you're in pain, but you are becoming stronger and it shows.
So, again, I say 3 words...
I love you.
make sure you take time for yourself rainey. as much as you need. i'm always around to take your kids for the evening. we're not contageous or sick anymore if you would like to explore that option. loves you.
I think it is easier to just let everyone know at once like on facebook then to do it in person too. So don't feel like you cheapened it. It makes the sting a little less deep. You are a brave and courageous women to be able to sing at your fathers funeral. I would not could not ever do something like that. I admire you for your strength.
Wow, so well written. You have a way of really putting human emotion into words in a real way.
It's okay to just feel however you feel in the moment and not apologize for it. You will probably change emotions and then think your done with that feeling and then it will pop up again in a different form, possibly for a few years. You might even forget about it for awhile and then it's all fresh again. Just go with it. The good thing is you don't have to process it all at once. And there's no right way to feel. Lean on others when you need to, tell them to go away when you need to. We're all here for you and we can disappear as well. :)
Don't worry about where you express your thought about this situation. I regret not blogging about my losses, and they were much much lesser than yours. If you need someone to grab the kids so you can have time, just call, or text.
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