Before I lose my nerve.

As people we go to bed at night, and usually contemplate how the day went.  Not that we can make changes while we lay there, but personally, I try to tell myself what I can do differently the next day.  Was it a good day?  Mostly they are.  I'm grateful that they seem to be going in that direction. Sure, I always have little tweaks; little changes that I tell myself I can do, to make the next day more productive or positive.  Content that I've somehow kinda solved whatever problem with whatever reason, I am okay enough that I tell myself, "Do better tomorrow".  And then, being infinitely tired, I can sleep somewhat peacefully.
Today was a bad day.  I mean, really bad.  Not only did I feel pressured in ways that were beyond my control, but I realized that I had allowed something to continually go unsatisfactorily for over a year.  Sydney's development is a constant worry to me.  And I know that I go back and forth and back and forth on what I tell you about her progress.  The truth?  Well, the truth is just that.  One day she blows me away with how smart and funny and sweet she is.  And I overlook the fact that she's only saying the first letter sound of words, and hasn't as of yet ever said anything remotely like a sentence.  And I'm okay with it...honest I am.  She has exceeded my expectations so much, used the appropriate sign language all day, that I'm willing to let not saying any actual words, slide.  And then there are other days.  Days like today when she cries about everything.  And I don't know what she wants.  And I'm so frustrated because can't she just say "juice" or "milk" or "I watch Spongebob!"  How hard is that?  And so I grab a book and start reading it to her, and she doesn't want to listen to me read, she wants to tear the pages out.  So I get one of her board books, and just point to the dog and say "dog" repeatedly until maybe she will say:  "rff, rff".  Because usually she's all about the noises that animals make, and can do them pretty well.  So well, that I overlook the fact that she refuses to actually say "dog".   But that wasn't working, either. 

I found her Baby Einstein DVD, where they teach you little words like "house", and "dog", and "cat", and "cup".  Just some basic stuff that toddlers at Syd's age should be trying to string together with to or more words, to make a crude sentence.  As I got the DVD out, I watched as Syd stood in front of the television and watched the kids make the signs and say the words, and she babbled, copied some signs, and said a lot of "di, di, di," while pointing.  But no words.  
I started thinking about when I  bought that DVD...and how a guy asked me if they really worked for getting your babies to talk.  And I tried to remember how that conversation came about, and where it happened, and why I was talking to some strange guy about children's DVD's.  I remembered he said that he had a baby girl that he wanted to start talking...and I remember he had smelled of cigarette smoke.  Not that I say that in a mean way, I just noticed it.  He was a nice guy, and I couldn't place why I'd been talking to him...in my living room.  
I remembered saying, "they helped my son, I'm hoping they'll help this one," and then Syd running by and climbing onto our couch.  
Then I realized we were in our other house.  

I was talking to to the guy they had sent out to give us an estimate on the tile in our kitchen...almost exactly a year ago.  A sick feeling went through me because I remember I'd worried back then about Syd and her refusal to talk, comforting myself by constantly saying, "She's only 12 months, she's only 13 months, she's only 14 months..." and so on.  And entire year later, not a lot has changed.  That sick feeling that came over me at that discovery hasn't left me all day.  In fact, I called Jeff at work, just because I needed to talk about it with someone that loves and knows Syd like I do.  But he didn't answer.  And that's not his fault, he's been crazy busy.  Like, not eating, not sleeping, living-life-like-a-walking-Zombie-thats-only-motivation-graphic design-rather-than-brain, busy.  He's been pretty down and out, because life has just kinda been passing him by the past couple weeks, and he's not seeing the end of the tunnel just yet.  So I didn't want to bother him more.  When I get a text after asking him what I can do to help his stress and he replies with:  "Kill me?  I haven't eaten or used the restroom all day, and it just doesn't stop", I know he's not up to making me feel better about Sydney's developmental state.  And so I kept this information to myself.  

After a couple more attempts and failures to get her to say something, anything resembling an actual word, I cried and she cried. She was angry, I was angry...it was nap time and we both needed to get some sleep.  But I laid there and thought depressing stuff.  I have found that kids--my kids, develop differently.  And yes.  I know that I can't MAKE Syd change in one day, and trying isn't only crazy, but totally unfair.  But it was one of those days.  Those days when nothing goes right, and it's just too complicated to think about what's ahead of us.  So I got up, and I made a call.  
Tomorrow I have a woman from Kids That Count coming to our house to meet with me and Syd at 2:15.  These are the same people that helped with Cole, only when they worked with him, he was about four months older.  I told Jeff that I have a meeting tomorrow at that time, I didn't tell him why.  Currently he's working on one of THREE projects that must be done by tomorrow morning.  So if he can sleep at all tonight, I will let him.  Plus, I don't want him to talk me out of this.  I think Jeff sees my worry about Syd as something exaggerated.  And honestly?  I really, really hope it is.  He'll find out tomorrow.  Either he'll sit in with me, or I'll tell him what happened.  And I'll let you know how it turns out...I decided that I'm going to document this process.  Because it's really painful, and when it comes to me being distant and anti-social, I hope you'll all give me time.  I felt this same way when Cole was a baby.  And he came out of it, he got help, and now he's my kid that never stops talking.  I came out of my funk when he came out of his.  
I want that for Syd, too.  I'm tired of explaining that "she doesn't talk to anyone" to people that tell me she's beautiful and say hi to her, and wait for her to say something back.  This happens really frequently.  Or they ask her a question, only to have her not make eye contact.  If I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it's because she doesn't like people, not because she needs help, then I would gladly accept that she's just anti-social.  But I can't shake this feeling that she needs a little help.  And I can't feel good about myself if I don't at least try, you know?  
Anyway, I'll tell you what I find out.  Because I wish I could read someone else's experience in this...I feel really alone and scared, and I know I'm not the only person that's experienced this.  But I also know how much stress and worry this is causing me...and I'm sure that's why people keep quiet about it.  Anyway, I know tonight I won't be getting much sleep.  I have a lot to think about.  I'm concerned that I have so much to tweak and change that I'll just dread everything until I tell Jeff about the meeting and get it over with.  I know I won't sleep peacefully, but hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.