Fw: My breakfast/lunch

And I still couldn't finish. The wise guy burger. Red Robin. Yes, those are cheese sticks on top of the pepperoni. Currently they are lodged in my upper abdomen. Its gonna make my jog tonight even less enjoyable.

Today

I'm feeling a lot of conflicting emotions today. I kind of have to journalize them, as I'm better at writing stuff down, rather than talking about it. First off, I'm scared. I will bury my Dad in 3 hours. Sometimes I am holding it together so well I wonder if I have any emotions left. And then I'll hear something or have a random thought and I'm back at square one--knowing Dad is gone forever...and am so sad I can't even breathe. I'm hating myself for "Facebooking" this event. Almost like it cheapens the whole thing. On the other hand? Facebook has been so much more preferable to actually talking to people--to calling them up or emailing. I'm so concerned with other things right now, talking is the last thing I want to do. I guess, initiating the talking is the last thing.
Then when I do talk to someone, and they say they're sorry, I don't know what to say. So am I? Not as sorry as I am, its my dad, after all. And I know that's not fair because I know how I feel in the face of someone else's loss and though I don't understand everything, just knowing what sadness and hurt they're enduring makes me so sad. So for now, Facebook works in letting me tell others a little about what's going on, without having to explain everything, and having to gauge reactions and explanations. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, even though I know it's not overly kosher.
I'm constantly shaking. Like a Meth addict without the miraculous weight loss and energy, and with better teeth. But the shaking is overly annoying. I can't get anything done. Some would venture to say it was too much caffeine. But as we all know, it isn't.
Jeff has helped me so much...but I'm still pretty wrecked and I don't know how to say it. I don't look forward to this afternoon, when I see people I haven't seen in 18 years...and I'm supposed to take comfort in their words and presence. That's rude, too. I know it. I think being bitter is just so much easier for me than being sad. I worry about my Stepmom, Teresa. She loved my dad so much, and she's done so much, and she's burying her best friend today. Because even though their relationship was sometimes imperfect, they were always best friends, and I saw that. And I grieve for her, as well. If I were to lose Jeff...or any of my little ones, I don't think I could do anything. I know I'd be expected to go on for the others and such...but I don't know how people do it. Maybe a little each day? I don't know.
I'm just rambling now. I have been doing that. Both in my head and outloud...and not only is it kind of creepy, it's annoying. So I'll start doing my hair. And my makeup. And try to work on the song I'm going to sing. And know that I'll probably be bawling the whole time and will sound inaudible, but Dad told me before he died that he'd be there, and he'd love it. So, I'll try it out, I guess.

Right now.

Right now I'm sitting on my stepmom's couch. I'm watching my father...and seeing someone that I don't know. He's in the last phase of his life. He'll go soon. I see why a lot of people don't document the last little while of a person's suffering from cancer. It takes your body and turns you into someone else. Someone that you pray you'd never be. Seeing my father like this is hard...and I don't think I've cried so much, ever. But, I am so grateful to be here. I see how my stepmom is taking care of my father, and my heart swells with gratitude. She loves him. She talks to him. She treats him like she always has. And even I find myself talking to him like I sometimes do to Syd. Something that I realistically know my dad would loathe. I also see that life truly comes full circle. I had never really paid attention to the saying of "we leave this world the way we entered it", until this. He's sleeping now. And I hope this is the way he passes. Dreaming about his working days and occasionally murmuring to old friends and coworkers.
I miss my own little family, as I've been here a couple of days. Jeff is watching our babies, and helping me in more ways than I could ever count. He's really come through for me. I feel like this is yet another way in that Jeff's job, (and the fact that he's just awesome), has benefited us--he can be with the kids while I'm with my dad.
I can honestly say that the hardships that I've encountered in my life have always taught me the most important things. This time it's family. Real family. The truth that those that love you--really love you, are willing to put all personal crap aside, and become humble and just be there. Be there regardless of where they are personally, or regardless of how something might make them uncomfortable, or even if it's something they swore they would never do...they'll put all that aside, and let you know that you're loved, and cared for. My father's dying has proven this to me time and time again. I know a lot of people I'm talking about don't read this blog. Don't know about it. But I know that a couple do. So for them, I want to give my thanks for loving me. For loving Dad. For being there and giving me support when I needed it most. My stepmother has gone through so much, but she still is concerned about how I'm feeling. My sister and brother helped me lighten the load, and smile at such a sad time. And my uncle, and friends and even people I didn't know prior to this ordeal, have been so thoughtful and loving. Jeff has been beyond loyal and loving, and my kids know what I'm doing, know why I'm doing it, and tell me they love me each time I walk through the door exhausted and sad. I feel so lucky that I have such a wonderful support system.
So right now, I'm thinking that I can make it through this. That the people that I have come to depend on need to be able to depend on me, as well. The next week and possibly the next, will be so difficult, I really can't imagine what it will entail. But knowing that I'm loved and that I'm in good company, which I am, makes all the difference. I apologize for being so sporadic with my posts, lately...but I think you all know that there's a good reason for it. I hope all of you have a great week. And that you are able to be with the people you love. Because I really believe that this is the point to the whole living thing.

Another reason why my kids are the coolest...

So the weekend before this last one, Jeff, the kids, and I went to Seven Peaks. It was fun--I didn't get any pictures because we were there the ENTIRE Saturday. And I didn't want anyone to steal my camera, or more likely, me lose it or immerse it in some of the surrounding water.
We all had fun, and for once, I was totally on top of the sunscreen situation, so we didn't get too burned, either. After a while I did get a "too much sun" headache. Does anyone else get those? It's like the sun is my enemy....it just hates me.
Anyway, as we were there, they played "Radio Disney" the ENTIRE time. So the kids and I heard songs by those annoying rich kids that you see on the tween magazines...you know, the ones that eventually end up like Brittany Spears or Lindsay Lohan. Those kids that will soon be checking into rehab, or convincing some money-hungry loser to marry them, or come out of the closet only to be ridiculed and disappear. The next generation of sad-sacks...like, Miley Cyrus, and The Jonas Brothers, and the cast of High School Musical. Anyway, I don't really know, I haven't really paid any attention to them, but if they go by the status quo, in the next five years you'll most likely be seeing those type of previously mentioned headlines. The fact of the matter is, I'm kind of a snob. I really have a hard time believing in those Disney kids as being actually talented. I've seen a couple of their shows, and it's kind of pathetic that they're getting the air time they are. So, as we were out in the Sun, wading in between all the women with fake boobs and guys that had juuuust got done at the gym and hurried over to "swim" with the ladies with fake boobs, I got my first taste of what Radio Disney actually is. And, as far as I'm concerned, that's annoying. But, I did kind of start to feel bad. As I looked around all these little kids and bigger kids...like, high school, were singing along to EVERY song they played. I wondered if maybe I was keeping my kids from something that everyone else seems to enjoy. Kids, I mean.
(A little side note: Is Seven Peaks not a kid place? Cause seriously....there were a lot of saline implanted and ripped 20 somethings doing the mating dance there...all day long. It was kind of interesting to me. I guess I just didn't think of a water park as a place to "hookup". Maybe for teens that have been dropped off by a mom and are to be picked up at closing, yeah. That makes sense. But adults that can drive? I would have never guessed. Could that be Utah's substitute for a beach? Uh, still no excuse).
Anyway, back to my topic. As I drive Riley and Cole to school in the mornings, we listen to X96's Radio From Hell. It's a bit raunchy, and sure, if I were a better mother, I wouldn't let my children's sensitive ears be burdened by the off-color remarks of Kerry, Bill and Gina in the morning. Sadly, I'm not better. But, as I walked with Syd in the wading pool and listened to some sort of Miley Cyrus fan win a new wardrobe and chance to actually meet her on the Hannah Montana set, I thought that maybe I should allow my kids more kid stuff. Maybe, though I didn't how, it was something that all kids just seem to like....like foodstuffs that are the color blue.
The following Monday I was up early with the kids, and we were on our way to school. The radio popped on as I turned the engine, and X96 was on, as usual. I backed out of the garage, and we were on our way, while the kids were listening to our regular program. I decided I would just change the station to Radio Disney. Even though I knew that if it were to be a hit , that meant that my X96 days were over. But, I'm a giver, as you all know...so I decided to take the plunge. Radio Disney came on filling the Buick with the sounds of Miley Cyrus, I was told...singing something about "He's got somethin' special", over and over again. Riley and Cole started whispering in the back of the car, and giggling. So I assumed that they were enjoying it. And then their laughter got louder. And louder. And louder again. And that, along with the annoying aspect of Miley's voice was too much for me, so I turned the radio down and asked them if they recognized that song. Riley goes, "uh...no. Why would we? Do you know who that is?" I said that the DJ told us it was Miley Cyrus...the girl that plays Hannah Montana. Riley goes, "MOM! You know I HATE Hannah Montana!" And Cole said, "Mom, that music is.....just....terrible". And they both started laughing at me for being so incredibly uncool.
Suddenly I just loved my kids that much more. I switched the station to our regular station and the potty-break was going, so the song playing was 21 guns, by Green Day. Riley goes, "It's my favorite song! I'm so glad we didn't miss it". And then she and Cole proceeded to sing along to it. They always surprise me with how well they know the words.
Anyway, that's my story for today. I wish you all a nice week. I'm overly excited for Kory and Amy to post about their weekend, so I didn't want to over-stimulate all of you, right away, or take away from their big adventure. ;)
Peace out, Dudes.

Prolonging the Magic.

Hello all my devoted readers. First off, I'd like to say, school has been officially "in" for almost a week. And I still stand firm in the belief that school sucks. I had the same opinion when I was in school. And life comes full circle, it seems.
The kids are enjoying their classes and teachers thus far. The first day was actually really hard for me. I got up early with Riley and Cole while Jeff and Syd slept. They picked out their first day clothes like the week before, and were ready to go an hour earlier than they needed to be there. As I've done for the previous years, I made them pose for pictures before they left for their first day. And for some reason, they weren't excited about it as I was.I told them to hold up the correct amount of fingers for the year they'd be in school. However, Cole thought that first grade was more worthy of a "thumbs up", rather than a forefinger. After Riley not so nicely told Cole that he didn't pose correctly for the first picture, he changed his pose for the above shot. From there we took one more shot so we could document their super-cool backpacks, and we were off.When we walked into the building, I was afraid we'd be late because Springville has so much construction going on that there weren't any open roads next to the school. (Last year the construction company said they'd for sure have everything around the school working and open....but, whatever. I'm not overly surprised).
Anyway, we were a little early. We decided that since Cole and Riley's rooms are as far apart as they could possibly get in their school, Riley and I would drop Cole off, and then she'd go pick him up at the end of the day to show him where to meet me or Jeff. Cole fortunately got Riley's first grade teacher, Mrs. Golding. I honestly love her--she's peppy and kind and very unafraid of me. (Unlike his last teacher...whom didn't like me from the start. I'm also very happy to say that we didn't start this year off with ANY of the fiascoes that were encountered last year).
So I took Cole to Mrs. Golding's room, expecting to take pictures and maybe get a little misty...but instead he saw his name on one of the desks, said, "Bye Mom", and then sat down without looking at me again.I was really tempted to go and make him hug me and give him a kiss in front of everyone there. But then I realized that perhaps he was just going to be my sweetie-pie, handsomest boy in the world at home, and just Cole, at school. So I told him I loved him and to have a great day, and goodbye. And he whispered "See ya, Mom". And then we left. Sadly.
Riley tried to cheer me up as we walked across the building to her classroom. "He's probably just nervous, Mom". I appreciated her concern and tried to get over the fact that my baby boy is growing up--taking solace in the fact that my sweet baby girl is still there for me.
"Mom, no one else has their parents here". That was her first comment to me outside of her classroom between telling friends she'd pass in the hallway, "Hi". I refused to think about that and told her to go stand next to her door and point to the m&m that had her name on it.
She sorta rolled her eyes and told me that she's "kind of too old" to be doing this, and she wanted to go into her room. I told her that she was hurting my feelings and that she needed to at least pretend that she was having fun with me here for the pictures. Because she's Riley, she felt really bad that she had hurt my feelings, and smiled regardless of being embarrassed that I was there. I'm a lucky mom. I have great kids, I really do. It's just sad that soon I'm going to have to deal with my little ones being not so little...and not as kind, and not as sweet...cause that just happens. And I realized I'm just not ready. At all. Maybe I'll luck out and they'll be sweeter than most, but they are my kids, and if what goes around comes around, I'm not looking forward to what's coming around. Luckily, however, they're Jeff's children, too. So that might mean that all hope isn't lost.
On a lighter note, I've been enjoying my time with Syd each day. She just keeps getting more and more fun. She's a dancing machine and now officially has 7 teeth. They've come through, they just need to come down. This discovery makes our last couple of weeks a lot less scary, as she'd been really clingy and crabby.
Jeff was going through some of our old stuff the other day, and found a costume that Muffy bought for Riley when she was born. Because Syd is so big, we had to basically stuff her in it, but she looked SO cute, and it reminded me of when Riley was a baby. Yet another reason to be sad about my babies constantly growing up. So I'm just going to enjoy them...I guess that's all I can do. Just be happy that each day they're here with me, and they're making me smile and wish I could take notes on all the funny things they say and do in a day. (Look familiar, Muff?)
Hope you all are doing well, and enjoying life. It's for sure sometimes we have to just stop going so quickly, slow down, and be grateful for what we have. When I actually do this, I always find that that's when I'm happiest.

Pics explanation. And other stuff.

A couple weeks ago, Jeff's work had their "team" picnic. It was fun...I met the people Jeff spends his two days away from us with, and ate really great BBQ and ice cream cake. So, all in all, a huge success, I thought. Anyway, the one game they had was a picture scavenger hunt, and our little family was also our team. So, most of the pics are us trying to get the things mentioned on the scavenger hunt list. The first two photos, however, are snapshots by Cole. His self-portrait, and him catching our little family's reaction to us NOT winning the grand prize. Which I think was Tootsie Rolls, or something. (And judging by the picture, I obviously didn't need said Tootsie Rolls, because the shock of not winning encouraged me to let loose of my gut in outrage). But we were still pissed. I mean, look at our pictures! One of the prerequisites was to put a personal spin on things, and as far as I'm concerned, we DID.


The two pictures of Riley and Cole in our living room were the result of them taking my camera. There are quite a few I'd love to post, just for the humor value alone...but I promised I wouldn't. Let me just say that those costumes were just the beginning.

We are at the end of summer. Literally. Tomorrow I will help Riley and Cole lay their clothes out for their first day of school on Wednesday. I thought that last year at this time I was just overly emotional because I was pregnant...and Cole, my baby at the time, was leaving me to learn stuff. But this year is pretty much the same. Syd will be with me the whole day, but she'll miss her sister and brother...and so will I. The fact that I get my kids all to myself all summer long is one of my most favorite things...like holiday vacations and mini-breaks from school. I miss them so much when they have to go back. Even though our summers are very low key and lazy, we have so much fun...and with Jeff being home so often this summer, it was like a very long weekend. Awesome. Even when the kids were sick life was pretty good...because we had no where we HAD to be. So I'm just kind of sad that we all now have to go back to worrying about schedules and homework and fitting in with peers and all that stuff. It's too soon.


This last weekend was really nice--for me, anyway. My sister Muff took pictures for our cousin's wedding and she was wicked busy...but I enjoyed visiting with my mom and I got to see my sister, Lora. Whom I haven't seen in almost two years. (And Lora, this is the only pic I got of just you. And I miss you already!) And Leah, she does look like my mom, huh? You can definitely tell they're related, for sure. Lora, Muff and I did get to go out as sisters last Friday. I really enjoyed it--sometimes I forget that I had a life before the one I have now...when I wasn't a wife or a mom, but just a sister and daughter. I'm not complaining...but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to remember.

I had to post a picture of this, too--I apologize for my mother's extreme red eye--I tried to get it out, but my program wasn't working. Anyway, Muff, my sister, is able to do these "picture bags". I'm a little biased, I know. But any picture can be put on them...and my momma has FABULOUS taste, obviously. ;) They also have removable panels, so you can have a lot of different pictures for different moods, outfits, etc. The other panel she got was of Syd....and it was just as adorable.

Okay, I'm done with this post. I have too much to do, as I still have stuff that needs to be accomplished tonight. But I will post another story soon...about today, and how sad I am that my babies are back in school.
Sorry for the randomness. I'm trying to get accustomed to all of our new schedules. The end.

Little Tiff's wedding

See how much fun they're having? Meanwhile I'm getting grass stains on my butt. So, my husband and kiddies are boating right now. But, I'm here with my sisters. While Muff makes magic happen. Wedding pictures magic, that is. I'm technically supposed to be helping like Lora is--but I just wanted to blog, instead. I still have other pics to explain from my last post, I know...however in this I'm a bit clueless--and playing with my phone just seems a lot more doable.