Right now.

Right now I'm sitting on my stepmom's couch. I'm watching my father...and seeing someone that I don't know. He's in the last phase of his life. He'll go soon. I see why a lot of people don't document the last little while of a person's suffering from cancer. It takes your body and turns you into someone else. Someone that you pray you'd never be. Seeing my father like this is hard...and I don't think I've cried so much, ever. But, I am so grateful to be here. I see how my stepmom is taking care of my father, and my heart swells with gratitude. She loves him. She talks to him. She treats him like she always has. And even I find myself talking to him like I sometimes do to Syd. Something that I realistically know my dad would loathe. I also see that life truly comes full circle. I had never really paid attention to the saying of "we leave this world the way we entered it", until this. He's sleeping now. And I hope this is the way he passes. Dreaming about his working days and occasionally murmuring to old friends and coworkers.
I miss my own little family, as I've been here a couple of days. Jeff is watching our babies, and helping me in more ways than I could ever count. He's really come through for me. I feel like this is yet another way in that Jeff's job, (and the fact that he's just awesome), has benefited us--he can be with the kids while I'm with my dad.
I can honestly say that the hardships that I've encountered in my life have always taught me the most important things. This time it's family. Real family. The truth that those that love you--really love you, are willing to put all personal crap aside, and become humble and just be there. Be there regardless of where they are personally, or regardless of how something might make them uncomfortable, or even if it's something they swore they would never do...they'll put all that aside, and let you know that you're loved, and cared for. My father's dying has proven this to me time and time again. I know a lot of people I'm talking about don't read this blog. Don't know about it. But I know that a couple do. So for them, I want to give my thanks for loving me. For loving Dad. For being there and giving me support when I needed it most. My stepmother has gone through so much, but she still is concerned about how I'm feeling. My sister and brother helped me lighten the load, and smile at such a sad time. And my uncle, and friends and even people I didn't know prior to this ordeal, have been so thoughtful and loving. Jeff has been beyond loyal and loving, and my kids know what I'm doing, know why I'm doing it, and tell me they love me each time I walk through the door exhausted and sad. I feel so lucky that I have such a wonderful support system.
So right now, I'm thinking that I can make it through this. That the people that I have come to depend on need to be able to depend on me, as well. The next week and possibly the next, will be so difficult, I really can't imagine what it will entail. But knowing that I'm loved and that I'm in good company, which I am, makes all the difference. I apologize for being so sporadic with my posts, lately...but I think you all know that there's a good reason for it. I hope all of you have a great week. And that you are able to be with the people you love. Because I really believe that this is the point to the whole living thing.