The Story of Syd.

This really is the whole story. So this means that it's basically a novel.  But I need it for my own memory.  So if you have an aversion to hearing about what Jeff and I did to get Sydney here, you may want to stop reading.  I promise not to go into too much detail, or anything...but I was abruptly enlightened one night at bookclub, when my sister-in-law Kelli was there, and I was commenting on some aspect of Jeff and my sex life.  Cause that's what we do at bookclub, duh.  Anyway, Kelli reminded me that yes, Jeff is my husband...but he is also HER brother, and so, it was a little uncomfortable for her.  Sometimes I forget that some stuff shouldn't be said aloud in front of certain people.  It's an unfortunate habit I have.  Like, last Saturday night, I stopped by the Anderson "Girl's night" for a little while, and after hearing about someone conceiving in a hot tub, ("Apparently, it does only take the one time...") I mentioned that Syd was conceived in the shower.  (I'll explain how I know this, a lot later).  And then I realized that my mother-in-law was right there, and I not only was talking about private activities with her son, but a lot of women there were his sisters, and nieces too.  After that realization, I also realized that I couldn't take back what had just popped out of my mouth, and it was time for me to go.  And try to forget my bad case of being socially inept.  
And now, for the story of Syd.  It all started almost 12 years ago...
When Jeff and I were first married, I had a dream.  I know I'm not some type of Prophet, or anything like that, so don't start worrying.  However, I can still remember it, and it was so real, and it's stayed with me for a long time.  In my dream, I had a little girl.  At the time, she looked to be about 3 or 4.  And, I've come to know that with my babies, because they're so big, I now think she was actually two or three.  She was beautiful...like, little doll beautiful.  She looked like her dad...brown wavy, hair, brown eyes, and dimples. Somehow she had this olive skin...maybe from my side? She made me happy, and proud.  I remember feeling this sense of accomplishment, when I looked at her.  
Seven months later, or I should say, seven months after Jeff and I were married, we found out we were going to be parents.  I won't say we were excited.  Petrified, stressed, worried, are the words that would fit better.  Anyway, you all know this.  I've not been coy about it in any way.  However, I already knew exactly what she would look like.  When I found out she was a girl, I knew my dream was true.

What I got was Riley.  She was bald. And she had bright blue eyes, and after her skin got over the "birthing purple" she was white.  Like, white-on-rice white.  And she had three big red spots:  the one on her forehead, the one on the back of her neck, (I have one, too), and the one at the top of her little butt.  At first I was confused.  Kind of like, if I hadn't felt her being pulled from me, and then saw her held up to me, I would have really thought I got the wrong baby; someone had done some unauthorized swapping.  And I worried about her red spot.  It was so red.  I was sad that someone might say something to her about it...which happened all the time, btw.  "What's that red spot?"  But, no one had told me it would fade, so I thought she had this massive birth mark.  By this time, I know I sound like the most awful, ungrateful mother ever.  Not only was I not thrilled about the pregnancy in the first place, but when she got here, safe and sound, I was worried about people being mean to her.  I want you to know, that I loved her.  Which was a relief to me...I loved her like nothing else, and while I was pregnant, it was such a completely crappy experience for me, that I had worried about what I'd do when she came out.  But seeing her little white face with the scarlet mark made my heart swell, and the thought of anyone not seeing her the way I saw her, turned me into an "angry mama", which if you've experienced this, I know you know what I'm talking about.  
And then Riley got older, and though I didn't see her mark anymore, it faded...and she was NOT the baby that I saw in my dream, but she was MINE.  She looked just like me, (so she was beautiful, duh), and she was sweet, and happy, and so easy-going, and she loved everyone.  She was that baby that had complete strangers playing peek-a-boo and smile games with her, just because she noticed you, and liked you immediately.  People loved her back.  I was so proud, and I thought, "Well, maybe my dream was just a dream".  

I was more than fine with Riley being our only kid.  I felt like I hated being pregnant.  It made me feel yucky and crazy at the same time, and essentially, was ten months of the most intense PMS I'd ever had, added with some indigestion and gross bodily functions and mutilations that I really could have done without.  So, despite not having forgotten my dream, I just put it out of my mind.  Riley was our everything.  And Jeff was the best dad.  And we were a trio.  And that was that.  
Until Riley got to be around two.  Not that she was terrible, like they say.  In fact, she just continually got better and better.  She was all personality and cuteness, and she did what she was told, and she was loving and sweet, and I was so in love with her, and with being a mom.  And that's when I saw how lonely she was.  How when we'd go to a park or play area, she didn't have anyone to play with.  And if she went up to other kids, being her sweet self, they'd look at her like, "you're just a baby", and wouldn't play with her.  And it broke my heart, because that was something I couldn't control.  She didn't really have any cousins except Taryn that were her age, and Taryn was in Washington...so there was only one true option...and that was to make her into a sister.  Isn't it sad how I was motivated to have my children?  First a mistake, and then just a companion.  It's truly a wonder that I ever was considered for Motherhood.

When we found out Cole was a boy, we were a little disappointed, again.  We loved having a girl, and I had thought that maybe this meant my long-ago dream might be made real.   Pregnancy this time around was even WORSE than the first time, and we had actually TRIED to get pregnant with a sibling for Riley.  We tried for a little under a year, and just when we thought maybe we were meant to remain a trio, and we gave it our all, (which yeah, I know that sounds ridiculous now, but at the time we thought we were baby making machines, and when you thought you were ready, you just became pregnant.  Because last time, we weren't ready, and we still got pregnant), and we were used to our little family.  And aside from Riley being lonely, we were so happy with us.   
I'm a big believer in learning lessons.  I always have these preconceived notions on how something is supposed to be, and then it happens to me, and I'm always wrong.  And it shocks me, every time. And yet, I still think I know something about everything.
So right before Cole came, I lost my job.  And we had just become utterly poor.  We'd been in our new home for almost a year, and I really worried we were going to lose it.  After wasting like, half of each pay check for our health insurance the last year, Cole decided to come late, like all my babies, and when I lost the worst job of my life, yet it paid the bills, I lost any insurance that would have helped us pay for him.  Again, for completely different reasons, I was scared to death to give birth.  

 But Cole came, anyway...just like they always do.  And he was so different from Riley.  He was BIG.  10lbs.  Well, two ounces less than ten pounds, but I feel like I'm entitled to say ten.  He had tons of hair, and it had looked like he'd had it recently frosted, just for the occasion of being birthed.  It had bright blond tips, and it was dark all over his head.  And really soft.  And he was a sleeper, and a snuggler.  And he was slobbery like no baby I'd ever seen.  And I loved him.  Loved him like crazy and again I was relieved, because I thought that I just couldn't love something or someone like I loved Riley.  And it wasn't the same, but it was just as strong, and it was just for Cole.  Suddenly rather than seeing him as "someone for Riley to play with", he was my Bubbers.  My little boy that melted my heart, and was happy and sensitive, and LOVED food and being with his "mama". Which, despite us being poorer than we had ever been, was somehow perfect for me.  Jeff decided he didn't want me to go back to work.  And honestly?  I didn't see that as an option, ever.  But while I was pregnant with Cole, Jeff and I took turns with Riley.  We each had our time with her, which was important to both of us, but at the same time, unfair to her at times, because we were tired, and she was full of energy.  And though you do what you have to, it still sometimes feels like you're getting or giving the short end of the stick.  Anyway, suddenly, I was a stay at home mom.  And despite me going to job interviews and such, I began to like it.  And when Walmart offered me a job, Jeff told me he just didn't want me to go back to work.  And I was so doubtful, but loved being with the kids so much, I didn't argue. 

 The next few years were hard, financially.  Luckily I learned a lot from having to really watch our pennies, but I can honestly say I wouldn't want to go back, and fingers crossed, we won't have to.  However, it was during that time that I saw how hard Jeff's life was.  I mean, he didn't complain.  He went to work at 1am.  And then he came home at about 11:30 am.  And then he'd sleep, and then he'd wake up and eat, and we would have maybe two hours before we needed to put the kids to bed, and then we'd have maybe two hours of alone time, in which we were both wasted from our everyday lives, and then the cycle would start all over.  And Jeff was tall, and he was skinny, and was on his feet all night long, and he had a lot of bloody noses, because of lack of sleep, and terrible diet.  I think he was existing on like, three granola bars a day, and then some dinner or lunch of an egg sandwich.  (It was very lucky for us that eggs are a cheap protein).  Somehow, I still remained chunky.  Not fair, but I won't let myself be distracted today.  At that time, Jeff's youngest sister was attending Provo College, enrolled in the graphic design program.  And she always would mention that Jeff would love what they were doing, and be soooo good at it.  This didn't fall on deaf ears.  Despite us never really having any time together, and the fact that Jeff did like his job, and Jeff's guilt about feeling like he never saw the kids, I wanted him to somehow pursue his artistic abilities.  When I met him, he was constantly drawing, creating, painting, etc.  Expressing himself through his artwork.  And he never mentioned missing it, because he took his role as the bread winner so seriously.  But he didn't have any time to just draw because he loved it.  And I knew he loved it, but he sacrificed that part of himself for our family.  I was grateful, but I didn't think it was a completely fair trade. 

So I began to mention going to the same school Kass went to.  (Above is Riley's first day of school, ever.  It's one of my absolute favorites). At first, as always, his answer was "absolutely not, and we have NO money for school".  But he began to listen more to what Kass would tell him about her classes, and what she was learning, and he paid more attention to her projects, and what she was learning to do.  And I could see his interest, and I could tell that he still told himself that it would never happen because there was no budget for school, and he never saw us, as it was.  And finally, I got the push that I needed to tell him that he needed to do it.  For us.  That his 5% raise each YEAR was never going to get us anywhere.  And yeah, he worked HARD.  Way harder than what he was paid, for sure.  And I know that it always goes that way.  So eventually I made him go back.  And I'm kind of ashamed to say that I used the "We need more" argument, to get him there.  (After reading this, Jeff says that he doesn't remember the "We need more" argument.  What he remembers is me sneakily making an appointment with the admissions office, and by the time we were done with the tour, somehow I had signed him up for his associate's in Graphic Design.  I am pretty genius/sneaky sometimes, so I guess it could have gone down like that).   I knew it was something he wouldn't do if he saw it as mainly for himself.  Does that make any sense? 

After he enrolled, life became even more lonely.  I can honestly say that I don't remember a lot of it.  I mainly remember being concerned for Jeff's health, feeling like I was an only parent and NEVER getting to do anything.  Seriously.  No weekends, no vacations, no dates....I think there are probably quite a few reasons I've blocked it out.  But even though it was hard on all of us, especially Jeff, because he missed so much of Cole's babyhood, I always believed it was the right thing to do, and wouldn't allow myself to second-guess the decision, regardless of how tempted I was.   Let me just add that this doesn't mean I didn't complain.  I did.  To anyone and everyone that would give me two seconds of their listening ear.  And I used those two seconds as fully as I possibly could.  But I didn't let myself doubt this decision.  Because it was a huge sacrifice for everyone.  And I knew it wouldn't help anyone's situation.  
But then he graduated.  With a 3.93 GPA.  Boom! (Jeff said that I needed an exclamation point after the word "Boom".  Because it was that big of a deal).  And things were set in motion...so many things that we never would have expected.  And making a very long and detailed story short, Jeff ended up with a graphic design job that was good for him.  He made a lot of contacts and even though I was HATING it by the time he'd been there for a couple years.  The reason I hated it, was that Jeff was on salary for a small time company.  So basically, he was paid a nice sum for a 40 hour work week.  But he was putting in 60 hours.  And I was ready to go to his boss myself and tell him what's what.  Jeff wouldn't allow it, but let's just say I had a lot of stress about his job...and it wasn't me working it.   
**So, now I'm to the actual part about Syd...if this stuff is TMI, you may just want to stop reading here.

I don't know about you, but I think when you have kids, the whole act of being sexual takes a lot more work.  Now, some of you may disagree, but this has been my experience.  (I thought this picture was a great example...Jeff and I wanted to take a picture of US, but look, there's Cole).  In addition to never wanting to get caught by your kids, there's always the CONSTANT of being tired.  Or if your spouse is constantly stressed out of their mind about work, and constantly trying to get more done, then it can all just put a big damper on things of the sexual nature.  And that's kind of where we were.  Our kids were older, we had paper-thin walls, and our bedroom had long ago forgone the idea of privacy.  Occasionally, Jeff and I would shower together.  That would be the only private time we got.  And private time had been verrrry rare.  So I went off birth control.  I figured, we never needed it anyway, and why not have an extra 45 bucks a month?  And it worked for us for a long while.  Until I started to get needy.  Never read Cosmopolitan when you're feeling neglected.  And if you're paranoid anyway, it will just compound every insecurity you've ever had.  And so I told Jeff that I felt like we never took time for each other anymore, and I knew he was busy for us, but I missed him and blah, blah, blah.  And a couple days later we took a shower.  :) A fantastic shower.
About three weeks later, we were right back where we started.  And I was taking Riley to my sister-in-law Amy's house for dance lessons.  On my way there, I was wondering why I was so freaking tired, yet again.  And when was this PMS going to stop, and I could get a little relief already? And then I started doing math in my head...which I never do.  I was late.  Ten minutes later I got a text from Amy asking whether or not I was coming, and I realized I'd been driving around for the last twenty minutes, and so out of my mind, that I couldn't find her house, even though I'd been  there twice before.  

And Syd was on her way.  And it only took one time of not being careful.  I was so sick the entire time.  And worried.  Jeff was still at his other job and I was afraid I was going to be a single mom--again.  And unfortunately, we didn't have maternity insurance, and no one would take me, now that I was pregnant...so it was a little like the worst parts of pregnancy with Riley and Cole, mixed together.  Luckily, we were able to use our "stimulus package" to pay for my prenatal stuff.  And from there?  We were clueless.

I'm low on patience normally, but when pregnant?  (Look at Cole's face). It's non-existent.  So I began to make a tough situation for Jeff even tougher, and started trolling Monster.com and other job sites for him to apply.  He found something quickly.  In fact, he didn't tell me much about it, because he was scared of changing jobs.  But they wanted him.  And after a lot of thinking it wasn't for us, it turned out to be one of the best jobs, ever.  He has a lot of freedom, and time with us.  
When we found out Sydney would be a girl, I again thought she would be the little girl I dreamed about.  And she is.  

(I just have to tell you that those are what Muffy made me this year for Thanksgiving, and I LOVE it.  A little cornucopia of veggies and fruits.  And Syd wears the cone part as a hat.  Unfortunately, all my kids continually play with it, so I don't think I'll be able to technically use it as a decoration...or say it's technically mine).  
There are a lot of personal circumstances that put Syd here in our family at this time.  Even more personal than the ones I've shared, if you can believe that.  But I do know she was meant to be here, right now.  She was meant to have Riley and Cole to keep her company, and love her entirely.  She was meant to have her daddy's full attention when she wants it.  She was meant to be my child that totally breaks every rule, and doesn't listen, and is more like a wild, feral animal than a human being.  She was meant to teach me patience, and teach me that everything I thought it was before, was wrong.  I don't know if I could have had more kids after her.  She literally keeps all of us busy from the moment she gets out of bed to the minute she falls asleep.  I dread the time for her "big girl" bed. I thought the other kids were hard, but she's everywhere, all at once.  She won't keep her clothing on...I have to duck tape, (and that IS the brand) her diapers, she's the kid that despite my picking up EVERY pencil, pen, colored pencil, and crayon I can find, will find one somewhere else, and draw all over my walls.  If it weren't for magic erasers, I would have had to send her back at least twenty times by now.  And she has NO fear.  Honestly.  I can yell, I can slap her hand, I can look really, really mean when I want to.  (Cole used to start crying at just, "the look").  But Syd isn't phased.  She does what she wants, when she wants.  I need so much help with her from Jeff and Riley and Cole.  And the thought of having her before now....isn't a good one. 

I am proud of her.  Fiercely proud.  She's so freaking smart.  Can figure stuff out that I don't have the patience to even wonder about.  And she is beautiful.  Like, I'm honestly amazed at what a pretty little girl she is.  It's just too bad she's such a brat, because where Riley was cute and loved you, Syd is beautiful and could care less about you--and she doesn't like you looking at her.  If Syd weren't mine?  I would totally think that she needed to be brought down a few pegs.  I can appreciate her individuality, but she's so different from Riley and Cole.  And sometimes, it's like she's a different species altogether.  

But she's here.  She's healthy.  She's completely stubborn and used to getting her way, with everything.  And she's everything to us.  She makes us smile and laugh and she pulls on heartstrings Jeff and I forgot we had, or for Riley and Cole, are just finding out that they have.  She'll be two years old on Saturday.  And I can't believe it.  So much in our lives have changed and so much of it has been because of her.  I guess that's how each child affects the family dimension. Or maybe she's just a whirlwind of life that we all needed, that we were all waiting for.  I don't know.  
The one thing I can admit?  I can't imagine our lives without her.  Where would we be?  What would we do?  Each member of this family is essential to all our happiness.  This is why I find myself being overwhelmed with gratitude most days.  I know it's the season to be grateful and thankful.  But my heart is so full.  Life is so good.  I hope and pray that it stays this way, and that it remains this way for us, and for everyone else.  Much love to all.  Much love to Sydney Joy Anderson.  You've made these last two years so different, and so special, for all of us.  Thank you, Bubby.