Stuff

Hey all. I'm not too sure what I'm posting about. But I've got some free time, I'm not dead tired, and I've already folded all my laundry...so, I decided to type. In recent news, Cole lost his front tooth a few days ago. FINALLY. That thing has been hanging on for the last two months, and had started to turn a weird color and such.

He's very proud of himself. And of COURSE it had to happen right before school pictures. (Re-takes, actually. We missed the first pictures when we were in Colorado last month). This is what I looked like from 3rd to the 6th grade. Let's hope that Cole doesn't sport the look as long as I had to. He's a pretty adorable kid, though, so hopefully he won't have as hard of a time as I did.

As you saw from a couple posts ago, Syd is walking. She's now an unstoppable force. Her favorite item lately is a nunchuck from the Wii. She picks it up in one hand and the cord in the other, and somehow manages not to trip while her little thumb manuvers the knob on the chuck and she makes her way throughout the downstairs. She's a genius, but I've told you that already.

Riley is kicking butt and taking names. She's still overly smart and sweet and her little sister and brother think she's the best person in the world. To my ultimate delight, She's begun to be style savvy and tell me about things that I had absolutely no clue she was interested in. We've made a few trips to the store for some "school essentials", and she's really been into accessorizing and such. She's started to grow up and have opinions, and ask questions, and think like a pre-teen, rather than a little girl. In a way, this makes me happy because it's been fun to see what kind of free-thinking person she's turning into. In another way, I get kind of sad about it, because she's my first baby...and she's growing up. I know I always say that, but this last year it's been different. I watch her with her friends, and am amazed at the type of kid she is...she's very thoughtful of others and their feelings, even if they don't return that favor. She and Cole both are so kind...and that's really one of the most important things to me. I think it would break my heart to see them being mean to someone. I hope and pray that this is a staple they hold onto.

Jeff has lost 25lbs. In a month and a half. Seriously. I love my husband, and I'm proud of him, and I'm happy that he's met his physical goals and such. Because I also know that he's worked hard. But I'm also a bit pissed that he's accomplished this so quickly and will tell anyone and everyone that not one bit of this situation is fair in any way. Short of cutting off one of my legs, there's no way I could lose 25lbs in a month and a half. And that's if I starved myself, to boot. I don't have any recent pics of him...I need to remedy that. If it were me that lost 25lbs, I'd have like, no less than a bajillion photos. This weekend will be our annual Anderson Halloween Party. So rest assured you'll get to see why I'm complaining about my husband's choice to get healthy and look great. Leaving me behind. Whatever.

As for me...I'm doing okay. There's a lot of things that I'm not ready to do just yet, not ready to talk about yet, people I'm not ready to see...but other than that, things are on the up and up. I've decided that jogging isn't that bad. Not that it's pretty when I do it, but, I can't think about anymore than two things when I jog, so that's a nice break from the usual crap bouncing around in my mind. I'm excited about the Halloween party...and my costume. It's a bit trashy, but I think that's why I've bonded with it so. Also, no one will know who I am, so I'll have to bring my copy of the book with my character on it to assure that my costume isn't just a reason to show a lot of cleavage. Even though that's a big plus. I'll be showing my stomach, too...the stomach that has been an incubator for three kids. That's not a plus for anyone. But I'm nothing if I'm not comitted, right? And, after tons of mental motivation, I can't be as awkward as last year. (Big thanks to Amy for documenting those photos on Facebook where everyone and their dog can witness my ginormity). ;)

In other news, a new show to rave about. Sons Of Anarchy. About bikers and the politics within their ranks. I'd been wanting to watch it because Buffalo, the town I grew up in, was a central crossroads stop for most of the bikers that went to Sturgis, SD each year. (HUGE Motercycle rally/week of full-out crazy partying). I was always a bit fascinated by the element, especially when once I saw a lady on a bike that was wearing leather pasties and chaps, like it was normal. I wondered what kind of life that must be. Anyway, who knows how accurate Sons of Anarchy is? But it's good stuff. Jeff had read less than stellar reviews of it. Then Kyle, my brother-in-law, lent us the first season, and because he approved, Jeff decided to give it a try. (Jeff will say that that's not an accurate description of how it all went down, but it's my story. And that's how I say it went).
Can I just tell you how much I love it? How much I looked forward to watching a couple espisodes each night, and would think about it each day? Sooo good. But we finished it way too quickly. Jeff and I just watched the first episode of season 2 and it's had me thinking all night--made mopping the kitchen WAY more enjoyable. So check it out if you get the chance. And ladies, you'll thank me. You'll see why. His name is Jax.

Alright. It's almost 3:00am...and I'm tired. And I've gotta take the kids to school in the morning and be nice. All those stipulations can't be met if I stay up any longer. Later gators.

I'm declaring....

EMOOOOOTIONAL BANKRUPTCYYYYY.

Did you ever see that episode of The Office, where Michael declares bankruptcy? He just goes into a room, shouts his decision, and by his estimate, the problem should then be fixed? That is basically what I'm trying to accomplish, as well. So, for the record, I need to tell you now that this will probably be an overly long post of me trying to self-analyze while simultaneously trying to convince all my readers that despite being crazy, I'm not a crazy bitch. Hopefully.

You see, this is why I'm trying to distance myself from a lot that's currently going on. Not in my personal life, but in the lives of those I'm close to. Yeah. That sounds really bad. Really terrible and cold-hearted and bitchy. But, I've been doing some really deep thinking. I've been up a few nights. You all have read a little about my father's recent death. And even though I try to focus on more positive things, the process of getting through it is still new. And hard. And in addition to that, personal, so I don't expect it to affect others as much as it affects me. I don't say that to be mean, because I know that so many have expressed true sympathy. And I appreciate it. However, I know that part of the grieving process is acceptance, and some days are easier than others in that area. But I would never expect anyone else to disrupt their everyday because I'm still not over everything.

On Monday my brother-in-law and his lovely wife had a baby that passed away under an hour later. They knew that this would be the end result, but hoped they'd have a little more time with her. I saw pictures of her yesterday, and died a little. You see, I think that we all are given things we can handle. However hard it may be. I have to believe this, because there are so many times where it would have been easier to just give up, state that I'm broken because of my hardship, and blame everything that happens next on my bad luck or whatever negative force is working against me.
But these people, my brother-in-law and his wife, handled the loss of their daughter with a grace that I haven't seen in, well, ever. These past few days have really hit home that the world, that life, is so much bigger than me--or my fears or problems, or worries. I cried a lot in coming to that decision. And my heart still aches for their family. But I'm trying to take their examples to heart. Even though I feel like I'm suffering in my own way, what they have gone through would surpass what I experienced. We are both missing someone so loved. But I got to know my someone--and he wasn't a child. I know that I am emotionally, mentally, and physically incapable of being that stoic. Though my heart is with them, and I am thinking about them, praying for them...I can't imagine their pain.
So I'm taking this information and trying to use it to become maybe a stronger, braver person.



I've decided that I need to focus on the good things in my life, rather than the rotten things that are happening around me. I grew up feeling like I had to take on the pain of everyone else, just as much as my own. And, with the help of my husband, and friends, and siblings, I've been lead to the conclusion that I don't have to do that. I can express concern, I can help out, but I don't have to completely take on the pain of others. And though this choice is obvious to most people, I've actually had to be shown that it's acceptable. I've come to the conclusion that the people that love you the most want you to be happy. More than wanting to bring you into their private Hell, they want to protect you from it. I think about my little ones, and I keep a lot of things from them, FOR them. I want their days to be free of as much stress and disappointment and sadness that they can avoid. I let them love me, and be with me and take comfort in their presence, but I won't tell them things that are way beyond their control and understanding.

So through my rambling I hope I've stated my point. And if not, let me recap. I am so grateful for my life. My husband, my babies, my family, and friends. I hope to learn from them, and be able to support them, and am more than willing to do things to help where I can. But I'm also accepting that there are instances where I can't help. And I'm not going to feel bad or large amounts of guilt over this. I'm just going to try really hard, everyday, to be thankful for the good things, times, people that are in my life...rather than focus on what I wish I had, or what I missed out on, or why something isn't fair. I don't understand a lot of things. I try to make sense out of stuff that completely baffles me. But I do know that I'm happy when I am full of thanks. And I do know that sometimes when I see others go through trials, I am refreshed on why our lives are so precious. So that's where I am right now. Maybe I can figure out more stuff if I just really look inside, and like what I see.

LOOK WHAT MY BABY CAN DO!

So today was the day. Only 48 hours until turning 10 months old, Syd does this:
(Just make sure you don't pay any attention to my pig-sty of a bedroom in the background).



It must be a girl thing. She's been taking tentative steps for the last month, but then she'd chicken out and decide that crawling was a lot safter. I don't mean to brag or anything...but she's pretty much a rock star. Happy October, ya'll.

Last Saturday

Last Saturday we were in Colorado. Berthoud, Colorado, to be exact. It was my father's funeral. The reason he was taken to Colorado was that both his parents and his oldest brother are buried there, and he wanted to be next to them. He and Teresa had made the arrangements while he was still able to. And it went a lot more smoothly than I had expected, as there were quite a few setbacks with the cemetery and such. You'd think that in a business where you sold land to people to be buried in, you would have information where vaults and such would fit. Sadly, no. After about three tries, it seemed that they finally figured it out. I'm just glad they didn't give my stepmom a heart attack in the process.


Anyway, I'm posting about it. Not only for my memories, but because a lot of you have asked. For the record, I know I'm taking the easy way out by not thanking each and everyone of you individually. But I am begging each of you to please understand. I'm all about the easy way right now. Those of you that have left comments, warm thoughts, messages, flowers, treats, gifts...and so on and so forth, thank you all so much. I've been overwhelmed, but in a really nice way.

The funeral was actually really nice. Jeff did the program for me--and he drew a portrait of my father as a boy. As usual, he did an excellent job. I didn't have any programs left, otherwise I would have posted a copy of it. My sisters Lora and Muffy and my brother Jessey all wrote down memories of Dad, and I wrote a poem on the back. I think Dad would have liked it. He would have been touched by the memories and the nice things that were written. For those of you that wondered, yes, I sang. I was having a really hard time carrying the tune, and I shook the whole time, so I wasn't entirely audible, and I'm glad that no one got it on film. But, I did it. I did it for Dad, and I like to think he appreciated my effort.

Cole ended up taking my video camera and taking various pictures of people and headstones and such. At first I was a little concerned that it was probably not the most kosher activity during a funeral, however, after looking at the photos, and the random things that he captured, I'm happy that he did. There's no way I would have felt comfortable taking pictures of people, but he doesn't have a problem with it. At all.

Jeff and Riley and Cole and Syd were there for me the whole time. Syd got tired of being held, and it was either listen to her complain or let her crawl around. Yet another thing that was probably trashy...as she seemed to make herself at home all over other's headstones...but, she was content.

My stepmom, Teresa asked me to kind of orchestrate the program, so I had to do a lot more speaking than I had planned on, but I think it went well. Lora, Muff, and Jess were there to help and carry out certain parts of the program, as well. We were all there for each other, and after all the ongoing family drama that we've had, it was such a relief to just take comfort in each other's presence. I realized how grateful I am for my siblings. I mean, I know I love them, but there isn't anyone that knows what my life was like better than they do, there isn't anyone that can relate to me on that level the way they can, because they were there. That's a powerful part of family--just knowing how an individual came to be the person they are today--being there for so many of those milestones.


A lot of people there, I didn't know. They were friends of my father's. They had in common that he'd affected their lives in a positive way. He was a man that always looked out for those in need, and was willing to help where he could, and he was charitable. A couple of his friends had been on the receiving end of his charity. And I was proud of him. To help that many people-to help them profoundly and quietly is such an admirable thing. I want to be that way, as well.


Probably one of the greatest things about last weekend was getting to be with my half sister and brother. It's not like all those years of not knowing each other are now eliminated, but we got kind of connected, and it was so weird to see how alike we all are, despite not knowing each other for so long. There are some things that are totally genetic. My brother Jayson, and my sister, Shelly are on the right side.

On the way home we stopped at Lora and Mark's house in Laramie. They recently had it built and it's beautiful. All hard wood flooring and nice fixtures and stuff that I will probably never have, but can truly appreciate. She and her husband fixed us dinner and let us hang out for a while before we started the long drive home. As we were there, my brother Jessey and his wife Gabby showed up, and then Muffy and Chris. I had to get a picture of just us. It's been years since we've been in the same area. And sometimes it's so surreal to see that we are all adults and we're living our own lives.


And that was that. There was a lot more, but it's so late, and my eyes are drooping and I'm just feeling that exhaustion that makes you unable to move anything. So I'll bid you all a goodnight. But again, thanks so much for being such great friends and family. That truly means so much to me, and I'm grateful that I've been so blessed to have such great people in my life. Love to you all.

Fw: My breakfast/lunch

And I still couldn't finish. The wise guy burger. Red Robin. Yes, those are cheese sticks on top of the pepperoni. Currently they are lodged in my upper abdomen. Its gonna make my jog tonight even less enjoyable.

Today

I'm feeling a lot of conflicting emotions today. I kind of have to journalize them, as I'm better at writing stuff down, rather than talking about it. First off, I'm scared. I will bury my Dad in 3 hours. Sometimes I am holding it together so well I wonder if I have any emotions left. And then I'll hear something or have a random thought and I'm back at square one--knowing Dad is gone forever...and am so sad I can't even breathe. I'm hating myself for "Facebooking" this event. Almost like it cheapens the whole thing. On the other hand? Facebook has been so much more preferable to actually talking to people--to calling them up or emailing. I'm so concerned with other things right now, talking is the last thing I want to do. I guess, initiating the talking is the last thing.
Then when I do talk to someone, and they say they're sorry, I don't know what to say. So am I? Not as sorry as I am, its my dad, after all. And I know that's not fair because I know how I feel in the face of someone else's loss and though I don't understand everything, just knowing what sadness and hurt they're enduring makes me so sad. So for now, Facebook works in letting me tell others a little about what's going on, without having to explain everything, and having to gauge reactions and explanations. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, even though I know it's not overly kosher.
I'm constantly shaking. Like a Meth addict without the miraculous weight loss and energy, and with better teeth. But the shaking is overly annoying. I can't get anything done. Some would venture to say it was too much caffeine. But as we all know, it isn't.
Jeff has helped me so much...but I'm still pretty wrecked and I don't know how to say it. I don't look forward to this afternoon, when I see people I haven't seen in 18 years...and I'm supposed to take comfort in their words and presence. That's rude, too. I know it. I think being bitter is just so much easier for me than being sad. I worry about my Stepmom, Teresa. She loved my dad so much, and she's done so much, and she's burying her best friend today. Because even though their relationship was sometimes imperfect, they were always best friends, and I saw that. And I grieve for her, as well. If I were to lose Jeff...or any of my little ones, I don't think I could do anything. I know I'd be expected to go on for the others and such...but I don't know how people do it. Maybe a little each day? I don't know.
I'm just rambling now. I have been doing that. Both in my head and outloud...and not only is it kind of creepy, it's annoying. So I'll start doing my hair. And my makeup. And try to work on the song I'm going to sing. And know that I'll probably be bawling the whole time and will sound inaudible, but Dad told me before he died that he'd be there, and he'd love it. So, I'll try it out, I guess.

Right now.

Right now I'm sitting on my stepmom's couch. I'm watching my father...and seeing someone that I don't know. He's in the last phase of his life. He'll go soon. I see why a lot of people don't document the last little while of a person's suffering from cancer. It takes your body and turns you into someone else. Someone that you pray you'd never be. Seeing my father like this is hard...and I don't think I've cried so much, ever. But, I am so grateful to be here. I see how my stepmom is taking care of my father, and my heart swells with gratitude. She loves him. She talks to him. She treats him like she always has. And even I find myself talking to him like I sometimes do to Syd. Something that I realistically know my dad would loathe. I also see that life truly comes full circle. I had never really paid attention to the saying of "we leave this world the way we entered it", until this. He's sleeping now. And I hope this is the way he passes. Dreaming about his working days and occasionally murmuring to old friends and coworkers.
I miss my own little family, as I've been here a couple of days. Jeff is watching our babies, and helping me in more ways than I could ever count. He's really come through for me. I feel like this is yet another way in that Jeff's job, (and the fact that he's just awesome), has benefited us--he can be with the kids while I'm with my dad.
I can honestly say that the hardships that I've encountered in my life have always taught me the most important things. This time it's family. Real family. The truth that those that love you--really love you, are willing to put all personal crap aside, and become humble and just be there. Be there regardless of where they are personally, or regardless of how something might make them uncomfortable, or even if it's something they swore they would never do...they'll put all that aside, and let you know that you're loved, and cared for. My father's dying has proven this to me time and time again. I know a lot of people I'm talking about don't read this blog. Don't know about it. But I know that a couple do. So for them, I want to give my thanks for loving me. For loving Dad. For being there and giving me support when I needed it most. My stepmother has gone through so much, but she still is concerned about how I'm feeling. My sister and brother helped me lighten the load, and smile at such a sad time. And my uncle, and friends and even people I didn't know prior to this ordeal, have been so thoughtful and loving. Jeff has been beyond loyal and loving, and my kids know what I'm doing, know why I'm doing it, and tell me they love me each time I walk through the door exhausted and sad. I feel so lucky that I have such a wonderful support system.
So right now, I'm thinking that I can make it through this. That the people that I have come to depend on need to be able to depend on me, as well. The next week and possibly the next, will be so difficult, I really can't imagine what it will entail. But knowing that I'm loved and that I'm in good company, which I am, makes all the difference. I apologize for being so sporadic with my posts, lately...but I think you all know that there's a good reason for it. I hope all of you have a great week. And that you are able to be with the people you love. Because I really believe that this is the point to the whole living thing.