And five more...

Hello again.  It's me.  I'm currently experiencing a type of impatient insanity with our home.  Kurt, (Jeff's brother), and Jeff have started the project of tiling the kitchen and bathroom area.  And then from there, they will get to our other two bathrooms.  Right now, everything is dusty.  And stuff is in the wrong place, and the floor looks weird, and the baseboards have been pulled away from the wall.  This annoys me, and causes me great distress.  Yeah, I realize this is the process, and I realize there's really nothing else that can be done, but for me to wait it out.  But the in-between part really sucks for me.  Because I'm kind of anal about stuff.  And change, when it comes to my house, is stressful.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know that each and every one of you have experienced this, and your homes/living areas look amazing.  I just want to skip this part, and get to the amazing.  Didn't you all feel that way?  Plus, trying to show a house with everything being so chaotic is kinda futile.  Jeff was here with Kurt on Saturday, and some people came to look...I haven't heard any "feedback" yet, despite me constantly checking my emails.  I've become a little on the obsessed side as far as the feedback is concerned--it's like the comments on my blog.  Last weekend's guy that came and looked didn't like my entry way, because it's "unwelcoming", meaning the stairs block any view into the living room.  Basically, I like that...I like having a bit of privacy when people come over and should I choose to lie and say we're in the middle of something, they can't actually SEE that I'm lying.  It's a win-win for me.  That guy was just wack.   I'm glad I just read about it...otherwise I would have had to tell him what a douche he is, and how he doesn't know anything about anything. Speaking of douches, Kory, Jared was NOT the guy that broke up with Lora.  I'm pretty sure that was Tate.  Jared did turn into a douche, but that was a while later...and he lost all of his good looks, so Lora was right to just lose interest.   
So, I decided that I'll try to take occasional pics of my neighbors...for you, Leah.  I don't know how it will work just yet, as my neighbors to the right just got picked up for domestic violence, and the neighbors to my left we have called the police on two times in a row...for noise issues.  I mean, blaring music until 5 am?  Especially when we know you'll be revving your motorbikes at 9 am?  Come on.  Plus, their taste in music is truly atrocious--Nickelback seems to have a continual rotation.  And that should be reason enough to get the police involved.  That, and the fact that I just hate them.  On a side note, the neighbor to my left is now dating/living with ANOTHER girl from Wyoming.  And when she smokes outside, we are all treated to short-shorts and lots of cellulite and a tank top with the absence of a bra, but she yells at her kid that doesn't want to ride the bus, not a dog.  Not that my Wyoming side hasn't made that same manifestation, I just keep it INSIDE the house.  Perhaps it's because I don't smoke?  I just don't know.  
Okay, now to the part you've all been awaiting.  Rock and Roll.

 Maida just had a birthday on the 2nd.  Happy Birthday, Maida!  She's my mother-in-law.  As you all have picked up, I'm sure, it's that I've got what I'm finding is a pretty rare relationship with my in-laws:  I love them.  Seriously, how often do you hear that?  So, my mother-in-law is a pretty amazing woman.  She's raised 15 kids.  I am raising three...and sometimes I question any sanity that I have left.  And she loves each one truly and differently.  In fact, I don't know if you all know this, but I'm going to spill the beans.  Jeff is pretty much a "momma's boy".  I mean, he will call his dad with any problems we may have with the house or cars or insurance questions...but though he's quiet about it, he relies on him mom quite heavily.  He's softer when he talks about her, and she's always done and said things that let him know that even though he's not living there still, she thinks about him and she's proud of him, and he always appreciates it when she does. If you were to see the other kids, too...they all have that same love for her.  The younger ones still go over and have her baby them.  (No offense, younger ones), and Jeff would too, however, I kinda broke him of that habit years ago.  And I'm finding now that she loves it.  She's been a mom for a long time, and though she's now at that "empty nest" phase, she's still very involved in all her kids' lives.  Most of you have heard my memory of Maida.  Not that it's my only memory, but it was something that I saw as I was dating Jeff.  And it made a huge impact on me.  
I was at their house one day, waiting for Keri.  We were going to go to dinner or something, and Kelli was there, and she was having a bad day.  Now she was like, 14 or 15 at the time, and life was really unfair at that moment.  She kinda had a breakdown, and went downstairs, and I thought I would be funny and say something rude about it.  (Let me say that even at that time I remembered having similar moments of adolescent angst toward my family, as well, however, I thought that since I'd already experienced it, I had some sort of right to be bratty and tease).  So after she went downstairs, I said, "WHOA!  Did you just see that? That was the most drama I've seen since I've been here..."  Or something along those lines.  We had all been having fun, and Maida suddenly got this really stern look on her face, and said "She just needs some time to herself.  She doesn't need anyone making her feel worse about it.".  I totally felt like crap.  NOT the best light to let your future mother-in-law see you in.  However, I also respected her for putting me in my place right then.  Because even though she and Kelli had been at odds two seconds ago, I was not allowed to say anything negative about her daughter.  And that's a sign of a good mom.  I believed it with all my heart right then, and I still do.  
Since then I've totally seen Maida stand up for her kids and their families time after time.  And if there's something that I love about her, it's the fact that she gives every part of herself to ensure their happiness.  She's a wonderful woman. 

Moriah is my oldest friend. Well, not as in "Oldest living friend" or anything.  She's just the one that's stuck around for the longest, outside of family.  We were in Kindergarten together.  I remember going to play at her house frequently when I was young--sometimes with my sisters, too..as we both have two sisters that are the same age.  Moriah would want to play outside and run around--she'd want to pretend stuff.  However, she always indulged me, because she and her sisters had walkie-talkies.  And I didn't think anything was cooler, so she let me play with them, saying:  "May-day, May-day" and "10-4" over and over.  I think about that and know that she had quite a bit of patience with me, even then.  Because I had quite the ability to be annoying.  I know...surprising, right?
Moriah has always been very outspoken about things she likes, or doesn't like.  You all saw her comment on my last post, the one that said she was never a model?  It's untrue.  She was someone I always looked up to.  She has great taste in style and people and food and just...general stuff.  And yet despite my total lack of class and heavy helpings of trash, she was and is always very thoughtful toward me, just because we are friends.  As kids, everything that was important to me, she respected, and though we didn't agree on everything, she was someone that was willing to let people be who and what they needed to be.  We grew up in a predominantly Catholic town, and my being LDS, and the weirdness that was Seminary each morning, and three hours of church every Sunday, and busy each Wednesday night for mutual, well, Moriah voiced her opinion that it was "a lot of fricking time to spend at church".  However, she knew it was important to me, and she never made me feel bad about it.  In fact, she went out of her way to be kind and respectful.  A couple of times I tried to explain why it was, and she didn't demand more reasons or proof, or whatever, she just saw that I believed it, and that was good enough for her.  That's a hard thing to find, I think.  A hard thing to find today, definitely,  But really a hard thing to find in Buffalo, Wyoming, amongst teenagers, for sure.  
A lifetime of friendship is hard to narrow down to one memory.  But I have one that I think explains a lot of who Moriah is.  In April of 1998, I went to visit Moriah in Seattle.  She was going to the University of Puget Sound, and I believe it was her spring break.  She invited me up, and I went.  For a week.  The night that I got there, she and her roommates threw a party.  (She says it was in my honor, but I think the timing was just too good to be true ;) ).  Anyway, I hadn't had a chance to see her in action since high school, you know?  She was one of those people that transcended the cliques and such--she was friends with pretty much everyone.  And the one thing that I noticed is that didn't change when she went to college.  Except she DID find her mojo.  For reals.  The night of the party she introduced me to a lot of people, and every guy that I met had eyes only for Moriah.  Totally loved her.  She was wearing this lavender peasant top, and worn jeans, and her face was like it always was--clear and glowy, and she was beautiful, and she was happy, and funny and every guy there wanted her.  And I know that as she reads this she's probably thinking that I was reading too much into it, but I wasn't.  I was playing the role of the jealous high school friend, and I saw it all.  She was so grounded and confident, and I think everyone wanted a part of that.  There was a roommate she had...and I forget her name, but she was one of those pretty-pretty girls, and she was completely jealous of Moriah, as well. I remember watching her and how she'd look when she'd see Moriah talking to all their friends.  I silently cheered for her.  Because her roommate was a horrendous slut that thought the world revolved around her.  And the only person on her side was the guy that hooked up with her that night.   And he didn't really like her, either.  So, maybe that's a weird memory.  But it was kind of pivotal to me, because I saw my friend flourishing like I'd imagined myself doing a bazillion times, but fell short of.  But seeing her that way changed me.  I really tried to be the person I wanted to be...not the person that maybe I thought I had to be, because it's how I had been for so long.  Does that make sense?  I know she is someone that changed me for the better. She's honestly amazing and fearless.  She'll go places by herself, just because she wants to. (One time she just decided to go to Africa.  And then did it).  Maybe to you it doesn't sound overly huge...but for me, she is someone I completely look up to still, and I am continually working on that confidence that seems to come to her so effortlessly. 

I can honestly say that I wouldn't have made it through a lot of hardships without Muffy.  She's been here in Utah since 2000.  So, for almost ten years she's been my best friend and the sad part is, growing up, I didn't take advantage of her friendship like I should have.  I mean, I was older, and I've already explained what a rotten sister I was, so  I missed out on a lot.  I know that now.  I'm truly grateful to have been able to find out what kind of a person Muff is.  Because she's awesome in every way.  I'm a little jealous of her ability to just be fun and funny in every situation, because sometimes it seems like she's unafraid of anything.  And I have learned a lot from her.  She was always that popular girl that everyone loved.  And I kinda hated that...because I wanted to be that person, and no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't have that natural ability...I really had to work on it.  Not that I'm saying I've got it covered now, by any means, but I sometimes still wonder at how she can be so open and easy-going around everyone.  (Yes, I have a problem with jealousy.  I wish I didn't.  I wish I were more humble, and content with others being more special, having more of something, or just being better than I am, but I'm not. I kinda see it as a personal challenge, and I know that's not it--I need to focus on being content with myself and realize that everyone has their certain "something".   But sometimes it just comes down to when someone shines I want whatever it is that's allowing them to do it.  And obviously I know a lot of women that shine in a lot of different ways.  Thus, my jealousy issues.  I'm kinda working on it). 
Anyway, having Muff as a friend-as anyone that is friends with her would know-has been a huge blessing in my life. But I feel exceptionally lucky to have her as a sister.  She's fiercely loyal and no matter what, she's on my side.  Even if I'm wrong.  She'll hate whomever is mean to me, and she'll love whomever is kind to me.  And it's happened time and time again.  If there is anyone I can count on, it's Muffy.  And I can't really explain how important she is to me.  I don't really have any specific memories I can share...because the ones that stand out most are extremely personal. I know she remembers them, as she's always been there.  She's cried with me, and convinced me to do things that I never thought I could.  And she's let me be a whiny crybaby time and time again. And she's a strong person.  She's smart.  She's continually teaching herself new things, and can figure it out easily...which is something I admire because I'm that girl that just wants someone to do it for me.  If I have to put effort into something, I give up...and she willingly takes on the challenge of learning and being able to do things herself.  Jeff is like that, and I see how smart he is, and I get jealous of their intellect, too.  I have so many good things to say, so many great memories of my baby sister, but the two things that stand out most to me is how beautiful she is, and how fiercely she loves people.  Even when I was at my absolute worst she has loved me, and encouraged me.  I don't deserve her.  But I love her so very much, and I'm so lucky she's here.      

Riley and Sydney are my very favorite beautiful girls. (Yeah, alphabetically Sydney should come later, but I'm sticking my daughters together, and this is my blog, so that's a decision I can make).  I won't go on too much about the both of them, because I post about them and share memories of them quite often.  But there's no way I could fail to mention my best girls.  Riley is an old soul.  She's almost ten, but sometimes I forget this.  She's smart and funny and completely trustworthy.  Sometimes I look at her and my heart aches because she's getting so much older.  And the baby she used to be is gone--even though I still call her "Baby" quite frequently.  One day she might ask me to stop calling her that but I hope it doesn't come for a long time.  She is very patient with me.  I make a lot of mistakes as a mom, but she still tells me I'm doing great and when she tells me that there's no one else she'd ever want for a mother-because she actually does even without my coaching- it makes my heart swell.  I love her so much, and couldn't be without her.  I hope I let her know that, at least a little bit, each day.  She'll always be my first baby.  She'll always be the one that showed me what being a mom is all about.  
And Sydney is a brat.  She has just...cut out her own space in our home without asking, and somehow her space seems to grow daily, until the whole house and everything in it is hers. And in another way she just makes me want to squeeze her until she squeals her little high-pitched yell.  Am I a sadist?  Maybe sort of.  Riley and I were watching Syd once, and I noticed Riley's smile that she usually reserves for her baby sister.  I told her to stop looking at Syd like she's cute, because she's not...and Riley looked at me like she always does and said, "She IS TOO cute.  And you know it.  Mom?  Don't you just sometimes think that Syd does something so cute that you just want to...um...just want to push her?"  I certainly had not been expecting that.  I laughed and said that sometimes I feel like squeezing her, and Riley's eyes got all big as she said, "Me Too!"  Riley must be my daughter.  
I think the reason I have it out for Syd is because she's such a "daddy's girl".  She breaks my heart daily with her disses and lack of kisses.  But there is something about that baby girl that makes me do anything to see her smile.  Even spoil her rotten, and then I find myself contributing more to her bratty nature.  Her little hands with their dimply fingers simply need to touch me and I'm picking her up, and rocking her, or rubbing her little hands and massaging her neck and scratching her back.  And then when I ask for a kiss she turns away from me like I didn't just spend the last hour doing whatever SHE wanted me to do.  UGH!  BRAT.  I need some love too, you know? But when I was pregnant with Syd, I knew she'd be the stubborn one.  She was the one that continually kicked me, and stretched until I couldn't breathe, and didn't let me sleep at all.  I knew she'd be strong and healthy and sassy...and I was right.  She's the little girl that surprised me in the best way possible.  And I love her so much sometimes I want to push her.  And squeeze her.  And bite her, and pinch her.  And never let her go.  So maybe that's why she's so mean to me.  Because she knows that I have one of those personalities that are that much more attracted to someone that shows no interest.  ;)  
I have two very different girls, and each one is completely perfect.  

Well, those are my five for this week.  With all the chaos in my house, I'm finding it hard to actually have a second to sit down and type.  Which is sad, because I enjoy it when I get the chance.  Riley got braces today.  She looks cute, and I need to take a picture.  She had two permanent teeth pulled yesterday, and next Monday, she'll have two more removed.  Cole went to the doctor today because of his chronic stomach pain.  They took some blood tests and a urine test...and if they don't find anything with those, a cat scan, and throat scope, a couple of ex rays and a biopsy were mentioned.  I'm hoping and praying that something in his blood or urine tell us something, because all these tests will break us.  I'm not saying that Cole's health isn't worth it, I'm just saying that this could be the beginning of a lot of medical issues that will be searched for and unresolved, and I'm scared to go down that road...especially with a seven year old.  And I hate seeing him in pain.  
So hopefully, things will start looking up.  This week has kinda sucked and I really feel like our house being so out of order really is affecting us all.  No, the kitchen being unfinished hasn't given Syd her diarrhea, or Cole his stomach pain, or Riley her anxiety about keeping her teeth clean, but I think it's helped escalate things. I think we all feel a little misplaced right now.  So when everything is beautiful and normal, we'll all be better.  And happier.  Fingers crossed.  Stay tuned for the final chapter in my Beautiful Girls Series.   

And the next 5 are...

'Sup Foo(l)s?  Sadly this is a greeting that I have engraved into my frontal lobe...but I usually have to control myself, as it's so "1998".   Today I'm lettin' loose, so beware.  I know you're all anxiously awaiting to read what I wrote about the next 5.  I kinda now get why on shows like American Idol they spread everything out.  It's annoying as crap for the watcher, but for the person creating the show, it's a nice buzz to know that people are more than ready to find out what you know.  Especially the ones that really know their alphabet, and know that their number, or letter in this case, will soon be called....;) Oh.  The.  Power.

Before I tell you about some more beautiful girls, I'm going to let you in on a few new things in my life.  Read it, and love it.  The wait makes everything that much greater, right? This weekend we were signed up for three showings.  Two of which, actually showed.  I guess this is normal, however, it's kinda maddening.  I mean, I know I technically only have to open the door for them, and pretend to be nice, and explain there will be new tile, and such...and then I'm gone.  And then I'm out of the house like it's on fire, because I think if I were there while someone wanted to say something negative about my little home, I'd automatically have to shout, "SO'S YOUR FACE!", or something.  I'm kinda overprotective.  And highly vulnerable.  It's a weird combination.  On the other hand I have these totally conflicting desires that someone highly trashy will buy this house...with like, 43 extended family members and at least 10 cars just to spite my rotten neighbors.  No one will ever find a place to park, and they will have cigarette butts and animal poop in their yards like some people have grass...No, I can't explain my bi-polarity.  I tell Jeff it's just PMS.  
Apparently the first couple that looked at our house liked it.  They were cute and young and the girl was still wearing her scrubs and IHC or whatever name tag.  I guess people are supposed to leave feedback on your house; I found that out today.  After reading what my realtor sent me, I found out that our home "shows very well", "is fairly priced for all the upgrades", (which are essentially the soon-to-be tile, and all the shelves  Jeff made in each room), and that the couple "won't be making an offer, because they've already offered on another house.  But if something falls through with that, our house is their second choice".  Um....excuuuuse me?   Our house is NOT sloppy seconds.  However, my neighbors did decide to meet at their home for a party at the time that the lookers were standing outside talking to their realtor.  I may have been spying down the street incognito in the Park Avenue.  Or maybe not incognito.  Either way, I'm sure the reality of our neighbors will be an issue. 
Not too bad for the first showing, I think.  I don't know.  We don't want to have to get out of here before the kids get out of school, so I'm fine with being second choice.  The next people didn't show...therefore making me miss my bookclub, and that made me a little pissy.  And this morning, I got a "surprise" call that we needed to be out of the house in an hour, because someone wanted to drop by.  I guess that's the system, but it doesn't really make it that much less annoying.  I haven't been sent their feedback, yet.  All I know is it better be something nice, cause the neighbors weren't even HERE this morning. 

Okay, now that I've filled you in on "Rainey's life", I guess I'll get to the part that you're really eager to read.  And I've noticed I've used an awful lot of quotation marks in this post.  Just deal.  

I really love this picture because when I think of Kelli, this is how I see her.  She's ready to laugh and she shares a love for the same types of stuff that Jeff and I do.  She's always willing to take Riley and Cole and Sydney if we need her and she's like that for all of her nieces and nephews.  A brave person, she's willing to try different things, and she's lovely.  Anyway, I have a personal memory of Kelli that I really don't feel comfortable sharing all the angles of...and that's just because I need to protect the privacy of others.  But I will tell my and her side, because it's still something I think about, and how she helped.  A few years ago something happened that made me...sad.  And confused.  And lost.  I wasn't the only one that was affected this way.  Like all really difficult times in our lives, the hardship that we all endured ended up making us stronger.  However, at the time, I felt like my heart was breaking.  For others involved, and for me.  I was outside getting some stuff together (read:  Having an emotional breakdown outside of company), and Kelli drove up...she brought something by at that exact moment.  I kind of tried to hide/look like I was really searching for something in the car that I was standing next to...and I was caught.  I don't really like crying in front of people.  I'm a crybaby...but I'd prefer to do it like they show in the movies--while water is running or when I'm alone in the car or in my bed.  It's a bit diva-ish, I know....but I feel like if no one is around I can get it all out, exhaust myself, and then be too tired to be emotional.  It's my system.  It works for me.  Kelli ruined it at that moment. ;) She saw my face, which I'm sure wasn't just tear-streaked, but I'm sure there was some snot and red eyes and blotches, and puffy skin.  And then, she asked the dreaded question:  "What's wrong?"  
At that point, the flood gates opened and I started rattling off every emotion I was having at that second.  And there were a lot of them, and they were complicated.  But instead of running away, and giving me"time to be alone", which is what I do in uncomfortable situations, she listened and looked sad for me, even like she might cry, too.  In that moment, as I watched her, I expected something like:  "it's over, we gotta shake it off".  Instead she touched my arm and told me that it would take a while, but things would get to where they wouldn't be as hard.  And she hugged me and told me that it was going to be okay.   
She pulled away and she had tears in her eyes but her smile was kind and loving...I know I'm making it sound lame, but how she looked at that moment helped me know that "this too would pass".  And that I was loved.  And that what she does for a living--being a social worker--was something she was born to do.  Because she made me feel like everything would eventually be okay. She said what I needed to hear, and did what I needed her to do.  Kelli has this ability to adjust to the situation.  She can laugh with you when things are good, and she knows when to listen and when help.  And when it matters, she's there.  I'm lucky to have her.  

Keri introduced me to Jeff.  I've told you all that.  However, she was my friend before Jeff entered the picture.  She was and still is a very deep-thinker...which was something I was not, and usually still am not.  I was all about discovering my own bliss, and upcoming weekend plans, or the next thing I should buy, or flirting with the salesmen that we worked with.  Consequently, her introducing me to Jeff was taking a chance, I think, because I wouldn't exactly have had high hopes in someone like I was--which wasn't awful by any means, it's just I was kinda aimless and mixed up. Anyway, Keri had me meet Jeff and...I liked him.  A lot.  Which was kind of a problem, because I had all these skeletons in my closet.  From what I'd picked up on him, for us to become anything more than friends, I'd most-likely have to share.   He was "in" to honesty.  So, I just kinda enjoyed being with him, enjoyed the crush and the rush I got whenever he called me, and enjoyed that being the extent of it.
Back on topic:  this is about Keri, so I'll get to my point.  I'd been dating Jeff for about a month, and Keri invited me to go to Seattle with her.  She was moving a lot of stuff back up there with her boyfriend, Vic.  She told me she was thinking about moving back up there, and asked if I'd like to come along.  And then she also told me that Jeff was probably going to come with her.  Long story short, I had a lot of stuff on my plate right then.  I went with them.  
I think you always see someone's best side when they're with the one they love.  Not that Keri wasn't fun to be around before Vic, but there was this softer side to her.  When we arrived at Vic's apartment, and he met us outside she lit up.  She didn't gush by any means, that's not how she is.  But she got this big smile...a lot like the one in her picture and she said "Hi".  She and Vic looked at each other, and I was glad that Jeff was there, because had I only have come with her, I totally would have been the third wheel. I think the reason that that memory is so completely ingrained where Keri is concerned is because at that moment, I wanted what she had.  I saw it.  I saw that she and Vic loved each other and I saw this entirely new side to her.  And she's one of those people that always show me a different side of themselves just when I think I've figured them out.  I unfairly call it "weird".  But in reality, I'm always kind of jealous that one person can have so many facets...and that they can save parts of themselves for one person, specifically.  She does that a lot.  She's Keri, and she's a daughter and a mother, and she's a wife, and she's a friend and a sister and she's a teacher, and she's an accountant. And she so fully takes on each role that it's hard to remember that they are all her.  But everything she is, is of great importance to her.  And I think that's such a respectable way to be.   

Larraine is my mom.  I know she occasionally reads my blog...but she can't ever remember her blogger password, so when it comes to leaving a comment, she doesn't.  Anyhoo, Mom is currently here in Utah because both of her parents are having health issues.  I haven't seen a lot of her.  My grandfather just had heart surgery and my grandmother just had some kind of surgery that I don't know what it's called.  Essentially though, it's a lot of cauterizing vessels and electricity and stuff like that in order to keep her heart functioning at an acceptable rate.  I know this is scary for my mom, as she and her parents are really close.  I have a feeling that everything will work out the way it needs to be, and I think that this comes from my previous experience with my own father's health issues. But my heart goes out to them, to her, because I know it's difficult when the ones you love are scared and uncomfortable.  
My mom has made a lot of sacrifices for me.  Life was hard for her.  A lot of the time she was an only parent of four kids and she always worked a full time job.  And I didn't make it easy for her, I believe that I struggled with depression and anxiety from a early age, come to find out, it's genetic... but at the time it wasn't proven as "real".  So I had a lot of issues--and I included her because I'm kind like that.  ;)  I love her.  There are a lot of things that I don't understand about Mom...and her about me.  But she's my mother, and she is one of the most selfless people that I know.  She cares for others--genuinely cares.  And she is the first to help when someone needs anything.  I hope that I can be like her.  I hope she can be happy because she deserves it.  And she's missed out on a lot.  I don't have a certain memory of Mom, I have a million of them.  And there's always a common factor:  she'll be there if I need her.  I try not to ask a lot of her, because I know that if I did, she'd do all she could to give it to me...so she's like, my secret weapon.  I'm not overly vocal about it, but I know she has my back, and she'll help me in any way she can.  I hope I'm as devoted to the people I love, as she is. 

When Leah and I were sophomores in high school, she showed up to school one morning with her hair cut off.  Leah had had this shoulder-length 'do for the last few years, and as it was the early 90's, it was pretty much the same hair style every girl in Buffalo high had.  Including myself.  No one really did radical stuff in Buffalo as far as hair was concerned--I mean, we had a system, you know?  A system that worked.  
Anyway I walked in to get some caffeine out of the Pepsi machine, and she was sitting there, in her JCrew dress that I coveted, and her banana yellow converse high tops, and she was lovely.  Her hair was adorable...I'd always wanted black hair, and Leah's was naturally that color.  It was combed to the side, like you'd see on models.  There had been no trying to get her courage up before hand, or support from fellow friends....she had done this suddenly all by herself, without anyone's advice or approval.  And I watched her as she just sat there demurely looking through her biology or something, while everyone else stared and whispered, and wished they had thought to do it first.  As I was headed to first period I heard Dallas Sanders say to some guy in glasses (Amy Hulet's brother?), "It's takes a pretty hot chick to cut off all her hair and look great.  Like that".  
I was so completely jealous.  I have a lot of memories of Leah.  She was one of my greatest friends.  But I think that one stands out to me so vividly because of the confidence she had.  Do you remember high school?  How it was everyday trying to fit in and stick to what worked, because everyone and everything sucked.  That's how it was for me...and the fact that she had an entire room full of people--of high school kids watching and approving of her?  It was a pivotal moment, and I've always wished it would have been mine. And so proud of her for making it hers. 

Lora's my little sister.   Yes, she's an adult, and yes, she has a family of her own...but I always think of her that way, first.  She's always been stronger than me.  She's smart and she's stubborn, and she sticks with things that I always got bored with, and decided to quit. She loves animals, even though she's allergic to them.  It's hard to find a memory that's fitting to show you all I know and love about Lora.   
I have one that I remember so well, because I wish it would have been me.  Maybe that's why I have so many memories of stuff?  Because I wish that I could have been that cool or that kind or that beautiful at that certain moment?  Probably.  If that's the case, I'm okay with it.  Because these are women that have made me see so many possibilities for myself.  How much better I could be if I took these lessons and used them in my life.  ;)
Anyway, when I was a senior in high school, Lora was a freshman.  She started dating this guy from Sheridan, a town about 35 miles away.  He was Hot.  Seriously.  I was so completely jealous of her.  And he was totally into her!  I mean, how's this for a rotten sister?  I flirted with him shamelessly...and he only had eyes for Lora.  They met at a church dance, playing a game where the guys had to go pick a shoe, and then dance with the girl that it belonged to.  Jared had scoped her out and totally went for her shoe so he could dance with her.  Ugh, too perfect, right?  
I bet you're probably wondering why I chose this memory to share, as it makes me seem like a total beast.  But I think my reason was this....Jared made me see Lora in this different light.  Like, instead of just being my little sister that stole clothes out of my closet and had annoying friends, I began to see how beautiful she was.  How she was funny and fun...and we became closer.  I'm embarrassed that it took me something like that to make me see her, but I was pretty self-involved at that time.  Jared once told me that she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen.  Definitely true.  

So that's the finish point for this round.  I'm actually having a lot of fun being able to tell my stories about friends and relatives...without having to have some sort of segue, (check it, Moriah!) first.  Until next time, ya'll. 

Hmm...a little explanation, and more on Beautiful Girls.

Hey all.  It's me again.  I know, I know...you're thinking, "So soon?...why?"  But I feel like I have to make some amendments to my last post.  My main point in writing it was to let Moriah know how excited I am for her and Jason.  I love, love, LOVE being married.  As you all have heard a bazillion times.  In all honesty, when I find out that people are happily married, it's like my happily-ever-after, all over again. Does that make sense? (And when I find out that people are completely happy being single and living life, I'm happy, too.  I don't want anyone to think I'm a "single-ist", because I promise, I'm not).  I guess because I know how Jeff, and my being a mom has changed my life...and  if you would have told me like, a month before I met my husband that I'd end up this sappy, I probably would have done ANYTHING I could have to avoid it because I had a pretty cynical opinion of all that "love crap".   I had some solid ideas about how my adulthood would play out...and it really never involved children, or a best friend..but it did contain a lot of stuff like, "Strong-willed individualism, and Career, and Personal satisfaction", and so on and so forth. (Not that that can't be a part of a great relationship, but the whole "relationship" word just never factored in my "ideal adulthood").   So my life becoming this marvelous surprise, is just something that makes me carry around a soapbox and a will to stand on it at any given time.  And you're just bored at work or at home or at school so you indulge me by killing a few minutes reading my self-absorbed prattle and preaching.

Okay, so somewhere along the line, after re-reading my post...it sounded like I turned it into an "Am I pretty?  Am I pretty?" essay.  And I'm sorry.  And I have deep shame, because I mock that person that I blog-stalk for exactly that reason.  Let me say it's NEVER a bad thing to hear compliments about me, but I apologize for setting it up to be that way.  I roll my eyes at such drivel.  And I'm willing to acknowledge there were eye-rolls all around.  Deservedly so.
My main point was to distinguish how my life was before Jeff...before having my family.  How different I am, because of how different my life is now.  But instead I showed you all how insecure I was as a teenager/early twenties girl.  In all actuality, my husband, my kids...they've made me realize that there is SO much more than me.  That's one of the greatest gifts I've received from them.  Not that I don't have those "poor me" days--weeks, even.  As you all know.  Uh, yeah..I posted about it.  But I PROMISE this wasn't one of those times.  I promise I will really try to give you readers fair warning before I spring my pity parties on you.  

Anyway, it made me think.  About personal memories and stories about beautiful girls that I know...that maybe you have or haven't heard before.  But I'm going to share...because I can and this is my post.  I'll probably just keep it to people that I know that read my blog...because I have stories about you all that have affected me.  
Let me give a little background before I start divulging precious memories.  (The male readers of this blog may want to stop reading because this next bit might bore you immensely.  However, if you're already bored, you may want to continue reading and pick up a few tips).  
Another reason why I love the movie, Beautiful Girls, is because of the line:  "The thing is, there's a guy out there thinks the same thing about (enter your name here) and he's jealous of you because you get to do all that with her."

I've thought a lot about that.  Sometimes, despite my love for my husband, I take him for granted...and I know he does of me.  I'm afraid that's normal life.  But, I always try to look at him from other viewpoints--maybe he didn't take Syd's poopy diaper to the outside trash can right away like he KNOWS is my rule...but he DID stay on the line with tech-support for FOUR hours, trying to fix my phone because he knows how much I love it.  (Even though it was pronounced dead after all that hard work and no one will give us any type of deal.  B-words!, all of them).  Things like that, you know?  Things that are obvious, but when you get into your routine, trying to live life, you sometimes lose sight of.  Or maybe, I'm just a rotten b!t@h that doesn't deserve him.  That's a possibility as well. Anyhoo, on to my memories.  Just fyi:  I'm going alphabetically because it will help me remember who I have and haven't mentioned.  Also, I'm only mentioning girls that have commented on my blog or told me that they read it.  This doesn't mean I don't think there are any other beautiful girls in my life, but these are the ones I feel (hope) would be okay with hearing how I  see them.  And if not, please let me know, and I'll remove your story immediately.  Also, I'm totally going to steal some of your Facebook pics, and if that's not okay with you, let me know as well.  I don't want anyone feeling uncomfortable. Phew...this could all blow up in my face.  See how not having my blackberry gets me in trouble?  I should be texting stuff to people...or checking Facebook for the millionth time.  Instead I'm here, possibly getting ready to embarrass or offend the women in my life.  And yet despite the risk, how dumb does it say that I am, that I'm still going to do it?

Amy (Kory's Amy):  This last summer the kids had swimming lessons at Maida's house.  Amy was pregnant.  Now, all you know I HATE being pregnant.  But Amy did it quite well.  Through morning sickness she was nice to the annoying kids, (something I'm not), she overlooked the grossness of my son's boogers, (something that's even hard for me to do), and she smiled at the kids and gently and firmly told them what to do, even though they didn't listen like they should have.  (My son, again). She didn't yell, or roll her eyes or threaten any of the kids that were "having fun" when they should have been listening.  (Something that I wanted to do SO badly from the sidelines that I had to "go to the restroom" like four times during the hour).  
There was one particular sunny day (and it wasn't common this last summer, as it rained most days), that after the lesson Amy got out of the pool to come chat with me and let the kids play for a while until her next class arrived.  She was lovely.  Her skin was that deep gold, and her teeth were bright white, and she wrapped herself into her towel and sat down and put her hands on her tiny tummy bump that for her was a baby, but for me would be after I ate a bag of cheetos.  And she was so beautiful in that moment that I was reminded of what it was like, to know that you'll soon be a mom, and I knew that whomever was living inside was loved.  Since then, I think of that often when I think about Amy.  And it warms my heart.

Ashley (Brandon's Ashley)--this one may not be that sentimental, but I love it.  On Halloween, what?  Two years ago?  She and Brandon dressed up as Mario and Luigi.  I didn't know her very well.  She was in this outfit with a hat and mustache, and hanging around with Brandon, and it was picture time...and both of them went over to the "family pic spot" and waited until Kelli gave the okay, and then did this Super Mario stance complete with bent arm and leg at exactly the same time.  Totally something I could see Brandon doing, but knowing he found the perfect woman for him when I saw that synchronized move.  She was so cute and smiling and happy, and so quick on the wit; just this tiny body of energy--totally someone I knew would be fun.  I stared a lot...possibly uncomfortably so.  But I really wanted to get to know this adorable girl.  Maybe it was the mustache? ;)

Brandi.  I met her through my sister, Muff and she's also one of my bookclubbies.  Brandi is one of those girls that continually surprise you--in a good way.  She's funny, and devoted to her kids, loves being a mom and wife, is filled with tidbits of pop culture, and has like a photographic memory-her attention to detail is literally amazing.   She loves to read--and she introduced me to books that really have affected me in different ways--ones that I never would have read without her recommendation. I got to see this new side of  Brandi last month, in her new home.  It's beautiful and ginormous, and she was so content there.  She seemed to have an overall peace and as she showed us her children's bedrooms and places to play, you could see how excited she was to have something great for her family.  She was glowing, and lovely. I'm glad I met her.  

Erin is actually someone I started blogstalking. (She is NOT the person that I continually mock).  She's Kelli's sister-in-law, and Kyle's sister.  I met her a couple times at various Anderson functions, and noticed that her kids had this gorgeous olive skin, and rosy cheeks. (See?) I "officially" hung out with her one summer day when I was invited to Payson pool with Kelli and the Coplen kids.  I didn't tell her at the time that I'd been reading her blog avidly, as I assumed that could be on the creepy side.  But after I started talking to her I was immediately intimidated.  Not that she made me feel uncomfortable, I was about seven months pregnant--uncomfortable was an everyday thing. She had a zen, laid back vibe.  And see her smile in the picture?  She was that genuinely happy and fun to be around.  She was totally smart, telling us things she'd read about--and different methods of teaching kids and so on.  (Obviously, I didn't pick up on it...I was too busy trying to think of something smart to say, and rest assured, I came up blank). And the entire time she was talking, she had her daughter in this little sling, because she didn't want to be a centimeter away from her mother.  She was very vocal about it.  ;)  And Erinn just smiled, and rocked her little girl and congratulated her little boy that was splashing in the pool, and continued to joke and laugh and pay attention to everything that was going on.  I was in awe.  Here I was, pregnant, and I'd lost Cole, whom was supposedly big enough to know to stay by me, and Riley had to help me find him.  And I couldn't concentrate on anything that anyone was saying or doing, because the sun was really bright and it was loud.  See why I was intimidated?  I quickly learned that Erinn was one of those moms that I really wanted to be, but fall really short of. 

Karen.  My first impressions of people aren't really that great, usually.  Perhaps I'm too skeptical?  Too cynical?  I don't know...but I guess I have a bad habit of writing people off my first time meeting them. I'll say it takes me a while to warm up, sometimes.  Anyway, this wasn't the case with Karen.  The first time I saw her, I was at an Anderson function.  Kurt was dating her, and had announced that should she agree, she'd be "the one".  So, when Kurt brought her to the picnic, and I can't remember what it was for, I, like the rest of the Andersons, inconspicuously (so we thought) stared and didn't say much to her.  We all knew who she was, and we all knew the situation, and we all were curious about her.  But then all of us were afraid to overwhelm her, so sometimes we seem kinda...standbackish.  I don't know.  Not ALL of us are like that, I'm just saying, that's how some of us, like Jeff and I, are.  ;)
Okay, so she was this tiny, bubbly blond.  And I thought if there's a place that would be intimidating to meet the Anderson family, it's at one of their get-togethers where they all know each other, and know your situation, and are curious about you.  Karen was introduced to about a bazillion people that night, and she smiled and was kind, and then when she went home, I kinda felt sorry for her, because I remember how hard it was for me to remember who everyone was in such a large family. And I'm NOT in anyway saying the Andersons are weird and awful people, because they're really great.  I'm just saying there are a lot of them.  And it's intimidating to get situated.  I think most of the in-laws can relate.   (And it took me years to get a handle on it).  But the next time I saw her, like...weeks later, she came up to me and said, "Hello Rainey.  So, how old are your kids?" She listened to my reply like it was interesting stuff, and then told me about her kids.  First of all, I couldn't believe she remembered my name.  And secondly, she asked about my kids...and seemed interested.  If there's a way to my heart, it's definitely through them.  I will also mention that Karen is exceptionally strong.  And those that know her, know this to be true.  She is an emotional mountain, and I respect her greatly.  She's amazing.    

Kass.  I have a lot of examples of Kassie.  As I'm sure we all do.  But when she was going to Provo College, and Jeff was gone most of the time, and Jerome was on his mission, Kass used to come to occasionally eat lunch at my house, or just visit.  And one time I remember her coming over, and she brought me and the kids frosties from Wendys.  My kids were so happy because we were SO completely poor at that time, and I don't think we'd had a treat like that forever.  Cole came and ate his the way he always does...bites between going to catch glimpses of what's on TV, and he spilled this huge glob on the floor, and true to style, he just squatted down and licked it up off the gross linoleum.  Kassie started her giggle--that one that is completely contagious?  I laughed too, and noticed just how gorgeous her skin is--soft and smooth and some freckles, (you know how I feel about freckles), and I thought at that whomever she ended up with, would be so lucky, because she had that love that you can just feel when you're with her.  And I felt it, and my kids felt it, and I was a little overwhelmed at how lucky I was that I had a friend, a sister, like Kassie.  She was radiant at that moment.  I know that those that know her, understand what I'm talking about. 


Okay.  I'm not not done, not by a longshot.  But I'm going to go in six "beautiful girl" increments.  Otherwise, this post will be forever long, and someone may get lost in the trying to save and whatnot.  Sometimes I like to hear what people think of me...if it's nice. ;)  But I think it's important to say nice things, too....to let people know things that you think about them...and whatnot.  Anyway, I just wanted to share some stuff with you all.  I think it's interesting to see and hear other's stories.  But if any of this makes anyone uncomfortable, let me know.  Love to you all and I've already gotten started of the next five lovely ladies!  So there's your teaser. 

Beautiful Girls

First of all, I want to tell a beautiful girl I know: "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"  My wonderful childhood friend Moriah is now officially engaged to a man that loves and understands her...and I wish them all the best.  Such great news to wake up to, this morning...perhaps not entirely my news to tell...but it's my blog, so I get to choose the content therein.  And Moriah is pretty particular in what/who she likes, so I'm sure Jason is awesome for her.  So happy for them!

Okay, I just had to start out with that, because it's by far the most exciting thing I will say in this post.  So, if you wanted the new and hip info, you got it.  Now I'm off to one of my usual rants.  
I've been trying to figure out what to post lately.  As you all know by now my life has recently consisted of trying to put our house up for sale, and sick kids, and sick Jeff, and sick me.  Not overly fun...and limiting in my computer time.  I mean, you know how you just continually go to the same sites over and over just to see if anything is new within the last 15 minutes, because you're bored, and there's nothing else to do? Am I the only one that does that? Well, I haven't even been able to do that recently.  I've been busy.  I don't think I've been this busy in a long while.  And it was just about as enjoyable as I'd assumed it would be...which was:  Not very.  
Our house is now officially on the market.  And I have to say, I'm impressed with the way Zip Realty has it pictured.  I was pretty much a wreck until the photographer came and shot most of the rooms and such...and now I can relax.  One good thing our potential buyers will be getting is a new tile kitchen floor.  Yeah, all the years I've been here I've coveted tile in my kitchen, and now we are finally getting it.  Hurray!  Just another reason that should no one show interest in our nest of love, we will be juuuuust fine with staying.  Here's the link to our realty internet site: http://www.Obeo.com/584043

Looks nice, right?  Better than our normal toys-strewn living space, but you can see why overall, we love our home.  (But not our neighbors). Make sure you use the panoramas feature.  That one's my favorite.  

So, in honor of love and engagement, I started thinking about what it all means. Did you ever see the movie, Beautiful Girls?  Yes, it's got Rosie O'Donnell in it, and yes it has some terrible language and an uncomfortable crush on Natalie Portman as a little girl, but it takes place in New Jersey, and that's how they all are.  ;)
Anyway, it's one of my favorites. Basically the plot is-surprise-beautiful girls.  And it kind of goes into the subjects of finding someone that you love, being with them, and enjoying being with them.  This guy is engaged, and he goes home to where he grew up.  And he's trying to find out how to know  when you've chosen the right person.  Does everything have to be perfect like songs and movies portray it?  And what about after the first kid--the sex seems...hurried and lacking in imagination?  And what about other "possibilities"?  I mean, they question fidelity and monogamy and why or if it's important.
So, I won't expose the ENTIRE film, but you now know the gist.  I really love this movie, because it takes a completely huge jab at the expectations of the physical part of relationships and questions everyone has about their perfect someone.  There is so much emphasis on physical beauty in terms of love, today.  But one person's opinion of beauty can be completely different than someone else's.  Like, Uma Thurman is an icon of beauty in our society.  I think she's pretty in an unconventional way, but I've heard she's extremely intelligent, and I think that always immensely adds to someone's physical appearance.   And, you know...some people DON'T think it adds anything but problems. 

{Shameless Reminiscing}
my cousin Randi, me, my sister Lora 
When I dated, and I didn't do it all that often, because it was scary and intimidating, but when I did date, I was never one of the hotties that guys saw and immediately went after.  Never.  Which was sad to me on a lot of occasions, because I had gorgeous friends that usually filled that roll.  I was one of those girls that once a guy got to know me, I became more attractive.  One guy told me that when he first met me, "he didn't notice anything attractive", (nice, huh?), "but when he got to know me I was just...so cool".  Zack from Future Shop.  Remember him, Keri?  Maybe you've come to the right conclusion that this guy wasn't prince charming by any means...but at the time, he was cute.  He was kinda funny, and I liked him. However, him telling me that really hurt my feelings, and I couldn't like him anymore.  I wanted to be that girl that the guy sees from across the room and he's magnetically drawn to her...and they live happily ever after.  
Now I kind of take a pride that that's the girl I was.  When I look back on my romantic adventures, which were few I'll add, I was the one that had to end them.  (Except in third grade when Jared Stafford dumped me after one recess.  I think all the hot 3rd grade girls were sick that day).  
Unfortunately, my taste in guys usually ran in the direction of the desperate and emotionally/mentally unstable...so when I did "end" those relationships...the process usually lasted until I or the guy moved a long ways away. Until Jeff.  I know this is the same story each and every time, but my life before Jeff was really sad and lonely.  I keep wanting to phrase it as: life B.J. (life before Jeff). But that could be taken way out of context.  :)
After Jeff, though...I finally actually understood the main point of Beautiful Girls.  That loving someone isn't always perfect.  It isn't always Valentines Day and kisses and essential oils.  It can be frustrating, and it's watching the one you love being totally vulnerable, and maybe looking less than fabulous at any given time.  
It's taking care of them when they're sick, and giving them time to themselves when they need peace and quiet.  It's respecting them, and wanting what's best for them.  It's being best friends.  It may not be that way for everyone.  I've heard it's not always exactly the same and I don't think that it should be, as we're all different.  But I do know that it's never perfect, and there will always be someone that will say something to you that may make you question your decision to be together...but you'll always know what you need to do.  You just know it.  
Anyway, that's my post.  If I could ensure that everyone would be as happy as I am in their relationships, I would preach continuously that getting engaged, and getting married is what everyone MUST do.  I can't.  But I do know what is possible.  That it IS possible to be so happy that you honestly have those moments each day where you're overwhelmed with all that you have, and your heart is always full where it matters.  Much love to you all.  I hope you have a great week.  
In the meantime, here's a couple a pictures for you to enjoy:

This is proof that Sydney is 100% Jeff's mini-me.  

And these are my nails and my new shoes.  I absolutely love them...and my polish?  Only took two coats, and that's cause I wanted them super dark.  
I told Jeff that today a cute girl commented on my nails.  She said, "I LOVE your nails, they're amazing.  I've never seen pink that hot".  Jeff then asked, "Was she six"?   Uh....Rude.  And yet, I still love him.  See?  And I'm pretty sure I just made my point. 

IALAC

Do you remember this acronym?  Or did you ever do this activity in school?  Sometimes it was my absolute favorite, and sometimes I dreaded that time of year.  Anyway, the gist of it was this:  You made your very own IALAC sign.  You got a sheet of paper, wrote the letters IALAC on it, (meaning I Am Lovable And Capable), and if you were me, drew some beautiful flowers or swirlies around the letters.  Then you taped a string to the sign, and wore it around your neck all day. 

(This person has obviously endured emotional trauma). 
The activity was to wear the sign in class all day...and if anyone was to hurt your feelings you'd tear a piece off of it, the size corresponding with the amount of "hurt" that they'd inflicted. And if someone made you feel good about yourself, you would then glue or tape a little piece of the sign back on.  They don't do this anymore, as obviously it was a LAME idea.  You had the kids that would say mean things to you just to watch you tear your sign up, and then you had people say things that weren't sincere or true in the attempt to help you fix it back up again.  

I remember that one year a girl told me that I was "fat and dumb and I couldn't even play tetherball". I hated her.  3/4 of my beautiful sign was ripped off by first recess.  Yeah, I'm talking about YOU, Amy "Fern" Hulet.  But I have forgiven you now, because I was told a long time ago that you went to college and got really fat.  And everyone there thought you were an enormous b!t@h. And regardless of whether or not that was true, it made it so that I'm not still harboring hard feelings. (In fact, had I been wearing an IALAC sign at the time, I totally would have taped a huge chunk back on). And btw?  I totally kicked your @ss in tetherball, Amy.  And you know it.

Anyhoo, I'll get to my point.  Though the idea was dumb at best, it did leave a lasting impression on me.  In fact, there are times when I get my feelings hurt, or I find out that I hurt someone else's feelings, that I wish there was a sign that told me or who I'm with, what's what.   So I'm trying to be better aware of what I say, and how it affects others.  So that's that.  This post originally started out with me totally ripping into a certain someone...and I thought that maybe I should be nicer.  Well, here I am...being nice.   Boooriiiing.  But I'm growing as a person, right?
New topic. This last week was kind of a nightmare.  Jeff had jury duty Monday through Friday.  Monday through Thursday he was gone for about 6 to 8 hours each day, and then Friday he was gone for 15 hours.  Being used to him being gone a total of 18 hours a week, I was put-out by his absences each day.  Add into the fact that Cole was sick, and then Syd got pink eye in both eyes, and we were trying to get our house ready for our realtor to check out...It was beyond annoying.  I ate a lot of chocolate.  And did a lot of caulking.  And somehow made an already messy house even messier after hours of "organizing".   
All I'm saying is that getting a house ready to sell sucks.  Getting a house ready to sell while having an MIA husband and sick kids, is even worse.  But on the other hand, if we can't sell it, we now have our small home just the way we want it.  So, win-win.  Right? 

Let me say that I do love our house.  And Kass and Amy, if Syd had never come along, we wouldn't be moving for like, 50 more years.  I know our neighbors suck, but I really like it here.  I have met some great people here, and made friends.  So if it turns out that we're here for a while I'm okay with it.  We're a bit scrunched, but in the broad spectrum of things, we can pay for it, and we are happy.  I don't think you can ask for much more than that, you know?  But I still can imagine myself suddenly becoming a millionaire and having like, three rooms all to myself just for my crap.  Even a happy girl can reach for the stars.  

And one last thing:  It was doppleganger week or something on Facebook.  And I couldn't think of anyone that I look like....except maybe Kelli Osborn? I mean, if she still had dark hair and some moles and still ate meat?  I don't know.  I was told recently that I look like Jodi Piccoult. 

And, uh...I didn't see that resemblance at all.  But it got me thinking, we all see ourselves differently than others do, I think. My brother Jason told me that I remind him of Kat Denning, and that wasn't bad at all.  MUCH better than Jodi Piccoult.  What do you think?  Any ideas?  Don't worry, I refuse to wear an IALAC sign ever again, so there will be no physical evidence of crushing my self-esteem. ;)

Happy Monday

So this post will be short, as its from my phone and I need to take the kids to school. And I've been writing novels lately and for some of you, its just WAY too much. We have been trying to get our house ready to put up for sale. This process sucks. I'm worried that people won't be charmed by our quaint little love nest. All this stuff needs to be done and fixed, and my inner clueless-perfectionist is coming out in full, neurotic force. I'm using this picture of Syd to ground me. Because though she's so sweet in it, she hates that hat almost as much as wearing shoes. Yet she still summoned up a smile for me. I'm gonna try being like that this week. If it doesn't work out, then I'll just go back to my pessimistic and complainy self. But at least you all know that I've put forth the effort. And points for trying, right?

Poor Me.

Even though I am this person now, there are still days I truly feel like this person:  

So I'm telling you now, that you may just want to skip this post, as I'm a bit of a sadsack presently, and it may be a total waste of your time.  Honestly?  When I read posts such as this, it just pisses me off.  I mean, I know we all have our days when we feel less than stellar, but I just find people that insist on fishing for compliments..lame.   In fact, there's a certain blog I stalk in which that person does it often.  (Also, this person is very good about telling you why you should compliment them). And, because I would rather do anything than housework, I usually end up reading it--and being overly annoyed with that person.  Yes, I bring it upon myself for being nosy.  (Let me say that I see nothing wrong with fishing for sympathy.  As it's my favorite thing to do.  And I've already admitted on countless occasions that I'm the biggest hypocrite I know).  I don't know why I feel like I need to complain about stuff that really isn't all that particular, but I WILL complain, because that's what I do. 

Anyway, moving on. 
I can't really talk about this with Jeff.  And sometimes that makes me mad.  So I'm typing it out.  And the reason I can't talk about it with him, is because he reacts to me the same way I react to the aforementioned blog.  It just annoys him that I have a really sweet deal, and yet I still find some excuse to feel sorry for myself.  And by feeling sorry for myself, I mean poor me:  I'm getting older.  Poor me:  My childhood was crappy sometimes.  Poor me:  I'm not and never will be a size 6.  Poor me:  I'm not the smartest person in the world.  Poor me:  My face is breaking out and I'm 32 years old.  Believe me, I feel petty.  I KNOW this is petty stuff.  But what I want to know is, do other people feel this way?  I mean occasionally?  Is this just a girl thing?  Do guys do this?  I know there are times when Jeff is mopey, but that's usually because he's been working a bazillion hours and hasn't slept in three days. And he never feels guilty about eating something that he really wanted just then--it's never the embarrassing, pathetic stuff that in my head, seems to be all encompassing RIGHT.  THIS.  SECOND.  I thought I left this behind in High School.  I mean, for the most part, I have but there are still those times that it sneaks up on me.  And then I can't get it out of my head.  Again, like in my childhood when I was a crybaby....I still am, btw, but I have it better under control.  I used to threaten myself that I would punch my own face in if I started crying at that moment.  And no, it didn't work.  Like me trying to control my own lame crybaby, mopey feelings--it seems to just escalate things. 
It's not like I don't have a lot to be responsible for, I have Jeff, and my kiddos, the house, the cars, the lawn, the day to day living stuff, etc. and it keeps me pretty busy, and my concern for these items comes before my own...Unless I'm having one of these times.  Then I'm just, "poor me". 


When I was in high school, I worked at a sandwich place, and my boss was a repugnant pig.  Not only did he brew his own beer and wine in the closet on the premises, but he also would allow all the GIRLS he'd hire, (because he would only hire girls), taste it when it was ready.  Remember Leah? Not about the tasting stuff, about the grossness that was Greg.  Now, this really didn't affect me, because I wasn't one of the girls he was interested in.  I just made sandwiches during the lunch hour, the evenings and weekends.  He hired some beautiful girls, because he wanted them.  And he'd flirt shamelessly, as long as his wife, whom lost more than 100 pounds in order to "save their marriage", stayed away from the shop. 
K.  Now all that information was basically useless, but I had to give a little background before my main point.  

There was one girl in particular that he absolutely doted on.  And this wasn't surprising, because she was doted on by EVERYONE.  She was athletic and smart and what I thought of as truly beautiful.  She was on the "A" team in every sport, and she was in every academic honor, so teachers loved her, too.  Physically, she was tall with a very girly-athletic build, brown hair that was curly and shiny, a big smile and freckles that she hated, but they completely added to her look.  (I am a freckles fan, you see.  Because they're adorable, duh). 

Her name was Brittany Lashley.  She was a couple years older than me, and we weren't friends, by any means...she had her group of friends, was massively popular, and I was younger and awkward and shy and not popular.  Not a lot of things that she was. But when I worked with her, it gave us the opportunity to talk.  To just be people in a place that either had to acknowledge each other, or have a very silent five hour shift that would seem like 30. It was during these times that I think the high school paradigm that I'd created began to shift...because she had everything.  Everyone knew who she was, her family was wealthy and they seemed really put together, and then adding in the previously mentioned stuff, I couldn't find a reason that she'd be the way she was.   

Brittany was like, the least self-confident person I ever met.  And maybe I say that because my expectations were so high that when I found out how she worried and fished for compliments and got upset about the dumbest things ever, it floored me.  Here I was, probably weighing the same amount as she did, and it was NOT athletic muscle, and being about five inches shorter than her, two years younger, not nearly as smart, not as many friends, and no one, except for a few of my close friends gave a crap about how or where I was.  I literally would spend the entire five hours of work telling her that she was worthwhile and no, I didn't think her boyfriend was cheating on her, (though I did and he was), and no, her butt wasn't fat, (it was great, really), and though her honors courses were difficult, she could only do the best she could.  (I think that there were only like 2 honors courses available to seniors at that time, and then they were called "College Prep", so in comparison with real honors courses, they probably didn't).  

And then there was the way Greg, our boss, would drool all over her, and she ate up the attention.  And not that it isn't nice to have someone admire you, but Greg was the equivalent of the scary gas station guy that seems okay until you remember he works in a gas station, and he says something so repulsive to you that you never go there again, even if you're on empty. I don't know, it was just surreal to me, you know?  And it ruined something...I couldn't ever think of her the same way, again.  Instead of idolizing her and thinking she was something extraordinary, I just sorta...pitied her.  Kind of like when you hear that an actor or a model or a comedian gets to this point where people kind of know who they are, and then they kill themselves.  Yeah, that's a really drastic comparison, but my point is, why do we have such a hard time accepting and embracing that that's the best of us, and focus on our worst?  I honestly wonder if it's human nature, or if it's severe lack of self worth, because if there's anything I hate more than anything, it's me being sulky and sad about stuff that is beyond my control, when I have so much to be grateful for that I can't even list it all.  It could be so many things...but I think what would kill me is if I found that I am someone that is made worthwhile by what others think of me.  Because I have no pleasing facts about myself to myself.  Does that make any sense?  Maybe not, as I'm tired...and this post has taken me forever, and if you've given up reading a long time ago, you're more than forgiven because if this weren't about me, I totally would have.  

So I've decided that despite the fact that I'm a wife and a mom, and a woman, and a decision maker, and house cleaner, and grocery shopper, and a car and house taker-carer, I'm also "poor me".  I'm also that person that has to have down times so I can really enjoy my up times.  I'm complicated and weird and still have thoughts and emotions that I don't know what to do with.  But I do believe that I'm good for my family.  Whatever else, I do believe that, and so I really cling to it in times like this. 
Anyhow, thanks for stopping by.  If you did read this novel, I hope you won't be fired from your two hours of non-productiveness.  However, if you do, I'm not going to blame myself.  See how far I've come?  ;)