Laying stuff out.

I got a new computer.  It's my birthday gift for this year...this time I'm thinking my birthday gift will stay MINE.  Sydney kind of took over my iPad.  And then Jeff just came out and said it was hers...and then it was.  BECAUSE I love her, I didn't fight it too much.  But this year?  I'm not budging.  This computer is mine, and mine only.  And I'm not sharing.  BAM.
That being said, I'm pretty psyched to be able to blog in super-style.  Maybe I'll start posting more regularly.  Or, maybe not.  Maybe I'll have to start Skyping with all my many boyfriends, since my new fancy computer has a webcam. We'll have to see.  It's harder than you'd think to be this hi-tech; just so many options. 

                            (Jeff and me almost exactly a year ago.....time is going way too fast)
These last two weeks have been jam-packed.  Well, jam-packed for me.  My brother came to visit for a week, and it was a lot of fun. Well, it was for me and the kids...I'm assuming you all can guess how Jeff reacted to it. Yep... in our room for five straight days. You know, sometimes I forget how different our lives are from everyone else's.  I mean, does this surprise me or the kids?  No.  Is it something that other people just don't understand?  Yes. After 13 years, I've accepted that there are things about Jeff that are permanent--like his hatred of social expectations.  Just like he's accepted there are things about me that are permanent--my NEED to be social.  I guess I'm putting this out there, because even after all this time, people still don't believe me when I try to explain that this is the way we work.  It's weird, yes.  It's awkward for others, yes.  But honestly I'm married to my best friend.  I love him more than words can say, and I know that he loves me and the kids.  We see it daily.  I'll trade awkward moments any day over being married to someone that is the life of the party, yet maybe wouldn't be as tuned into me or our little ones. I hope that makes sense, because that's how it is.  And I won't apologize for it, anymore.  To my family, or anyone else.  It's time to accept it, and just move on.  Whew...that felt really great to just freely put out there. My siblings see that the kids and I are happy, and they try to understand our family dynamic. That's all I ask.  Just for people to try.
Anyhoo, I  got to know my brother, Jayson, a little better. One of the things he said to me was he saw how great Riley and Cole and Sydney are.  He knows they live in a family that truly loves them, and they feel good here.  He told me that was proof that whatever our parenting style is, it's working.  And working well.  Amen.

Jayson came home from his second deployment to Iraq at the first part of November.  I was nervous about how it would be with him here.  But it was great.  After a couple days Syd was used to him, and enjoying his company as well.  I worried that I'd have to continually entertain him, and since we are boring people, that was a little nerve-wracking.  However, he was chill, and even though we were busier than we normally are, it was chill and relaxed and we ate a ton.  So, you know--good times.
He surprised me with a year membership to Gold's Gym.  I'm loving it. So much.  Today Muffy and I met at the one in Orem and I did some weights, (pathetically), and then hopped on the elliptical machine for a while.  One thing I know is that working out makes me feel really good about myself.  Maybe I can't physically see the results?  But it can't be as bad as just NOT doing anything, right? I want Jeff to go with me.  Just to try it.  And I know he will, for me.  Cause that's how he is.

  Hope you all take time to appreciate the one/ones you love.  Because they're most important.  Faults and all.  Later Dudes.  I'm starting my birthday week......right now.  :)

Halloween

It's been a weird couple of weeks, honestly.  My condolences and prayers go out to all the Andersons.  The oldest of the Anderson kids went into a coma last week. It was sudden and serious and it's been really scary ever since.  I'm hoping that the family and friends find some comfort.  They deserve that. 
It feels too soon to be into November already, doesn't it?  I've been enjoying the weather...and have felt more energetic.  So, you know...Yay Me!  
Syd is officially going to preschool starting December 9th.  Jeff and I had been struggling with this decision.  Not because we didn't want her to, but she's just so little, you know?  Right after she turns 3, she'll be getting up early on Friday and I'll send her onto a bus, and she'll be gone for 2 1/2 hours.  Ugh.  It kind of kills me.  And I was so against this, as first.  But then I took her into the classroom, to meet with her possible teacher, and saw how her eyes lit up. We went in at the last part of an ongoing class, and the kids were sitting in a circle, listening to a story.  Syd was completely mesmerized. She literally could NOT sit still, despite all the warnings I whispered to her.  She kept moving closer and closer to the other kids, copying what they were doing, and trying to join in.  And that, for me, was proof enough that this is something that she needs to do.  She WANTED to be with the other kids, and that's not how she usually is.  So I'm excited for her.  I'm trying to be happy that she'll be doing something that I'm sure she'll love, but I'm also kind of scared.  And heartbroken.  My baby....she's growing up. 

Halloween was fun for all of us.  We went out before the actual day--had a couple parties to attend and then on the actual day, we let Riley and Cole go out with friends and took Syd to a few houses until it got dark.  She loved trick-o-treating.  It took her a while to figure out that when people opened their doors, that DID NOT mean she was allowed to just go on inside their home.  But as soon as she realized they had some sort of obligation to give her candy?  She was running to each house, right after the other. 

Pretty much the most adorable cupcake I've ever seen.  Right?  Right. Riley was Medusa, and Cole was a skeleton.  Riley was a little concerned that she wasn't pretty enough, but I tried to convince her that she chose to be Medusa.  A lady with snakes in her hair is NOT sexy.  Nor should she try to be.  So the fact that Riley assumed she should be, was a little unsettling to me. Later on she told me that she liked her costume, but I was still a little sickened about the need to have to be something attractive for Halloween.  Remember when you were supposed to be scary? Yeah, those were the good old days.

Anyway, they all made fantastic hauls.  We have no lack of candy at our house--STILL.  And it's been almost an entire month.  My thighs are loving it.

Until then...

So it's the week before Halloween.  I still don't know what my costume will be, and I'm pretty clueless.  Jeff shot down my ideas--I really REALLY wanted to go as Valley Girl.  And have Jeff be Nicolas Cage's character with the eagle-shaped chest hair.  But Jeff remembered that he only had a mustache.  He was all:  "I'm not going to shave.  We need to work around the beard".  Bleh...whatevs.
Tonight Jeff and I made a pumpkin for Cole's book report.  He read the book, Dragonbreath. I thought it turned out kind of cute:  

I hope he gets a good grade--I mean, he DID wait till the very last minute to do anything, and he DIDN'T want to put any effort into his one typed paragraph that was required.  BUT  Jeff and I made his pumpkin so cute.  He drew the face, and I painted it and put the felt spikes on.  Teamwork, you know?  That always deserves an A+.

Anyway, Syd has a Halloween party at her school on Thursday, and I'm excited for her.  She'll be a "puckape". Or for those of you not in the know, a cupcake.  And she's going to be adorable.  For reals.  I'll take pictures.I decided that having this holiday on a Monday really puts me out.  I mean, I'm already stressed about how we're going to be super busy with kids at school, and then at home, and then Tuesday morning will be a nightmare because the kids will be coming down from a massive sugar-high, and staying up really late.  Even for our family.  I guess just realizing that the kids are old enough to go out with their friends and actually enjoy trick-or-treating without Jeff and I having to freeze with them, makes it all so much better.  Plus, Riley is excited to take Syd to a few houses, too.  And I'm pretty excited to see how she does.  She's way into wearing skeleton and monster apparel--she loves it.  And she doesn't get scared.  Despite it being busy, it will be a fun night.  I think. 

And Riley is growing.  Getting so much more mature and kind of making me feel unneeded.  It's weird feeling old.  And seeing your kids get taller and smarter, and wondering where the little people they used to be, went.  And then it kind of makes me angry, too.  There's nothing I can do to stop it.  And I can't slow it down, either.  Kinda rough some days. 
So, that's that for now.  I guess we'll see what happens and maybe we will all survive. I hope.  Until then?  I've no clue.

October is officially here

Hellooooo.  
We are officially getting into the sick season here.  My house smells like vomit.  This is the part I DON'T like about the weather changing.  I have to say, we've made it into the latter part of October, which is nice, but I'm not looking forward to the keeping the windows closed and having to keep tissues all over the place--all the extra washing of bed sheets, and so on, and so forth--Nope.  Not even a little bit.  On the other hand, Halloween is near!  And so is Thanksgiving, and my birthday, and Christmas...this makes getting over the upcoming sicknesses, a little easier.  I'm not sure what I'm going to be for Halloween, just yet.  The kids are all over their costumes.  Anyway, I'm assuming they are--I've certainly made enough trips to the store for whatever they "need".  
I told you all about the "Night of the Running Dead" race.  And it was fun.  Muff and I went up early, I didn't want to have to pick up our race packages on a different day, and I was dressing up, so I thought we'd go up early to just enjoy the vendors and entertainment before the actual race part. Jeff was planning on bringing the kids up to watch me run.  I had visions of Riley and Cole chanting my name, telling me how impressed they were with my physical abilities.  Both of them being super proud of the hard work that I've been doing, trying to train for this.  

However, a day or two before the race Cole went to Jeff and me, at different times, and told us that he didn't want to go, and just couldn't go up with us.  Also, that he was feeling sick, and maybe could he just stay home?  I was taken back to when he was three.  And his biggest fear and the thing that grossed him out most were "greasy zombies".  In fact, things with slobber or slime STILL gross him out more than anything...so I decided that Jeff should just enjoy Saturday with the kids.  He was really upset about it, for sure. 
Muff and I had fun, and I'm really glad she could go with me.  Sometimes I forget what it's like to be a sister...rather than a mom and wife, first.  It was a much-needed change of pace.  I woke up early, and picked Muff up...and we were on our way.

Chris said I was beyond ugly with my missing tooth--that he couldn't even look at me without feeling like puking.  It cut me deep.  However, between my black tooth and double chin?  I was a scary force, indeed.  (And Leah, I had to try really, REALLY hard not to be sexy...but I think I succeeded).
I wish I would have taken pictures of it, but when we were there, we saw zombie pole dancers.  Muff and I started making fun of the "pretty" zombies in black spandex leotards, only to see one of them jump up and start doing a pole dance for all the onlookers.  This is my thing about pole dancing:  Unless you are an anorexic stick, it's not a pretty thing.  Sure, strip clubs and such SAY it's all the rage, but I was seeing a lot of cellulite, and these girls were in no way fat.  It's just the act of wrapping your semi-naked self around something and sliding over it.  Ew.  Just that description kinda grosses me out.  Anyway, I was just thinking that I am SO glad I'm not a guy...because I just wasn't appreciating their talent.  I was only seeing their flaws.  Perhaps that's the woman in me?  I don't know.  Needless to say I won't be using their half-off coupon they were passing to the onlookers.  And for those of you that are saying to themselves, "phew"....you're welcome.  

I had to take this picture, because this guy would have made Cole have nightmares for a month.  The puppet-type thing that he had in front of him blinked and would watch people and follow them. It was one of the creepiest things I've seen in a long time.  

This lady was confusing to me.  Her football jersey/severed head/aristocrat wig was a lot of stuff jumbled together.  But, it was impressive, nonetheless.  Just a bunch to take in, all at once.  

And then this blue hearse was one of my favorite things.  The zombies inside are kind of hard to see, but they were massively creepy.  Right before this picture Muff and I took pictures of a family, and they had to drag their little girl over to sit in front of it.  She was way scared of the things inside.  It was a little more sad than it was funny.  
Kelli showed up with a few of the Coplens right before the race.  I was a little nervous, but ready to get it over with, because I'd had way too much time to worry about how I'd probably freeze up right in the middle of the race.  Or die, maybe.  (Even though I'd been running at least twice that, but the nervousness gets me every time). 
And this is where I tell the dirty truth.  Now, every race I've ever been to, and it's not like I've been to that many, but all the others have people that kind of guide you along the way.  Because most people aren't familiar with the route that needs to be run.  Either that, or they have the way clearly marked...like arrows, a yellow line, whatever.  
We had all agreed to run the mile, even though technically, it was listed as a walk.  We got as close to the front of the line as we could, and then when we were okay'd to start, we jogged past the walkers in front of us, and joined up with the others jogging...which were mainly eight year old boys, and probably 12 year old girls.  I just followed the people (children) in front of me.  And I'm assuming that Muff and Kelli and Jessica and Jeremy were on the same wavelength because they did the same.  We went up a corner, and around a building, and I was happy with myself for not dying yet...and then?  Then we were at the finish line.  
I was completely confused.  We'd probably ran for about three to five minutes, and it was over.  The kids, then us...and a few people behind us.
Later on we found out there was an entire other stretch that we completely cut out.  So we probably ran less than half of the distance we were supposed to.  If I hadn't have been super sweaty, and my eyes stinging from running makeup, I would have been really embarrassed.  If anyone were to have been recording the event it would have been a bunch of kids followed by three adults that won.  Because we freaking CHEATED.  And the worst part?  When we went through the finish line, they handed us hot waters.  Had I have actually run the entire way?  I would have been pissed.  But you know, I didn't.  So I was just mildly annoyed.  
All in all, it was fun.  I'm already thinking that I might just do it next year, as well.  (Muffy?  Kelli?) Only the 5k.  Because we totally kicked butt in the mile. ;)  
That's all for now, Dudes.  Until next time.

A real update.

So I've been on different meds for about a week.  This is always a slippery slope.  No complete freak-outs or anything, so that's good.   Usually I experience being even MORE tired and a little nauseous.  Which is where I'm at right now.  But, I'm looking forward to being super happy in a month or so.  YAY! 
Seriously, I think it will be okay.  I just hope the being tired stuff kinda goes away soon, cause um, that's a big reason I changed in the first place. Things are looking up.  I'm determined to make things better.  And they have been, so...blah, blah, blah.  Enough about that.  It's boring. 
IT'S FALL!!!
I'm happy about this.  Tonight I went for a jog, and the moon was full, and the temperature was cold at first and then became perfect, and I didn't feel like I was going to die.  It felt good.  I've been baking--this technically cancels out my jogging, but it sure makes the kids happy.  So I've been happy to do it for them.  It also makes my house smell really good, and you know how I feel about that. 

See? The other kids like it, too, but they weren't shirtless, so I didn't take their pictures.  Come to think of it, had they also been shirtless I STILL wouldn't have photographed them.  Because that just would have been creepy and wrong.
Anyhoo, this coming Saturday I'm going to be a jogging zombie.  With Muff and Kelli, and I'm excited.  I even bought black stuff for my teeth--reminding me of me in the 3rd-5th grade, and Kelli of 2006? 2007? (It's a look only the homeless, hillbillies, 5 to 7 year olds, and the truly most awesome can pull off).  The run is only a mile, so it won't be bad at all, but I'm still kind of nervous.  Are we even going to run it?  And if we do, what if I freeze up?  I remember running the mile in high school and it was TORTURE.  By like, step three I was winded.  What if that happens?  I'll be mortified.  But, I'll also be wearing tons of white face make-up, so hopefully no one will notice.  I'll tell you right now--this will NOT be an occasion wherein I try to be a "sexy zombie".  And I'm going to mock those that dress up with that intention. (Take heed Muffy and Kelli).  I will also be taking tons of pictures.  So look forward to it! Hope your week is fantastic.  And those of you that want to stay warm, do.  While I shall be reveling in my hoodies, jeans, and the occasional pair of boots.  Boo and Ya!

An update. Kinda.

Fyi:  This started out in my last comment section, but I realized it's a post in itself.  Also, those of the male gender may want to skip it, as I'm going to say what I'm thinking...and sometimes it isn't pretty.
So you get more of the story of "me".  YOU'RRRRRRE WELLLLLLCOME! Okay. Honestly, I didn't expect a lot of response.  I was putting stuff out there, yeah, but with the half-hope that SOMEONE would give me a little hint as to how to stop being self-absorbed.  However, I was wrong.  You all came through.  This is not one of my strong points(surprise!)--talking about how I let my sickness?  Disability?  Mental shortcomings?  Get the best of me.  After twenty five years of coming to terms with this, (maybe more? I can remember this as far back as eight years old...), it's still a bummer to admit sometimes it feels stronger than I am.  Anyway, you all came through.  Thank you. I honestly took advice--I was THAT desperate.  ;)  And I thought I would give you an update.  Firstly, despite every night this week coming up with an excuse NOT to go jogging, I did it anyway.  (Still feel massively bloated, but my head is clearer, and that's a plus...maybe it's PMS?  Is it possible to have PMS three out of the four weeks in a month?  I'm totally serious).  Second, I know I need to make the dreaded doctor's appt. and get the general check up.  Probably get all my annoying bits checked and talked about...and I've actually been putting this off since I last saw the doctor for a personal appointment.  I believe it was my six week checkup after Syd was born.  What? Did I hear someone rolling their eyes?
Third, I did some service.  I honestly did.  I made a couple meals, and some banana bread and spread my love with food--and I honestly felt better.  It made me feel appreciated and validated.  Luckily, I wasn't there to see them actually EAT anything I made, because that easily could have ruined everything.  But they were grateful, and it made me feel grateful to be able to make them happy until digestion.
And lastly, I've been crafting...not good crafting, cause I don't do that.  But trying to make stuff.  I had an idea to make little owls for the kids.  Basically because I love owls, and they don't have anything that I've ever made for them.  So I got a pattern and have been putting them together at nights.  I won't say I've gotten better.  Sometimes I have an owl that turns out cute.  But mainly they all have severe physical deformities.  Jeff said I should make little owl families, like ours, for each kid...so that's two adults, two kids, and a baby owl.  It was a great idea, and then I realized it was a lot more work than I had intended.  I just hope the kids don't hate them to my face. I'll try to make the packaging look good--they'll each be in little nests with their babies--maybe that will make them look more appealing? If they get them under the Christmas tree, smile and say, "Oh, that's cute", and then hide them in their rooms where they can hopefully be forgotten about?  I'll be just fine.  Reach for the crafty stars--that's how I do.

So there.  That's not all, it seems like my kiddos have been more in tune to me needing a little extra response time and nap time, and basically, time to be selfish.  But they've given it to me, and I really appreciate it.  Things are looking up.  I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.  I'm better than okay.
October is going to be better.  And the weather is supposed to be cooler.  And I'm going to be a zombie in a race, and go to Halloween parties and help at carnivals, and the list goes on and on.  And Sydney is going to get her check up that tells us where she'll be placed after she turns three...and I decided that whatever the outcome, it will be difficult to hear.  But we'll all give it a try.
See?  All this stuff was really weighing on me before, but now it seems a lot easier.  So, thanks again.  Here's to a better week!  After this weekend, anyway.

Overwhelmed by the nuttiness.

Yeah, this is one of those posts in which I'm just not doing so well.  I don't know why.  I'm trying to be consistent about my exercise, and trying to keep myself busy, but in the end, I'm just kinda...sad.  Poor me, I know.  But honestly?  I hate feeling this way.  I hate not being appreciative of how easy I have it.  I consciously know that there are people having way worse life experiences, and yet they keep on keeping on...
Sometimes I honestly feel like I would be okay sleeping for the rest of my life.  I hate admitting that, because I'm aware of how terrible it sounds.  It makes me a rotten wife, a terrible mother, and a downright pathetic human.   I'm treading water.  I know I'll come out of it, but sooner would be better than later.  
So I'm just being even more withdrawn than usual.  Waiting until I stop sucking the fun out of the room, and whatnot.  This would totally happen at the time my mother-in-law is in a rehabilitation center for her recent knee surgery.  Tonight I looked at her and honestly tried to WILL myself out of my funk.  Here she is, in physical pain, trying to recuperate and worrying about her responsibilities that are going untended to.  That's a lot of justifiable stuff to be bummed about.  Not that she is, she's just, "getting it over with".  
And then there's me.  I'm being whiny and sad about nothing I can see, smell, taste, or feel.  Just, because. Nice, right?  How lame is that?
Anyway, I'm telling myself I need to try harder.  I will continue to take my meds, and remind myself why I'm lucky to be who and where I am.  Try to shake myself out of it. Hopefully things will start looking less dismal.  I'm just asking, does anyone have any tips?  Any, "stop feeling sorry for myself", tips?  Other than the usual, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself"?  I'm open to suggestions.  Thanks all.