Fa-Rick

So I said I wouldn't complain about pregnancy anymore, and actually, I've done pretty well. Sure, it's been a little under a week, but ask Jeff...this amount of time can be considered in the "roll" category, as in, "I'm on a roll." Stoically dealing and accepting stuff just isn't my way, and yet, here I am. I'm okay with me. Someone should really get me something nice to commemorate this fantastic anomaly.
Now for the downside...because there always is one. I'm reluctantly guessing that all of you remember the big to-do I made about my hair...and how I was going to have something done with it. I didn't exactly know what, but it was going to be fabulous, and make me the envy of Utah Valley. Guess what? Instead of instantaneous possible fame or traffic-stopping beauty, I got a mullet. Now, traffic-stopping, maybe. However, as far as solving my not-wanting-to-go-anywhere, or alleviating my "insecurities" dilemma; not so much. (A personal note: In addition to my new atrocious hair, my brother-in-law caught me at Walmart the next day in sweats...not that that's too unusual for me, but my sweats were bright orange, my shirt bright blue, and my flip-flops bright purple...Have I just given up? Don't I remember the rants I've had previously about Riley's choice of clothing? The answer is NO. It was a Tuesday afternoon, I was there just to get some quick fixes and had to run into him, and my entire church ward, and my neighbors. I just had to specify in case someone else saw me, and was too appalled and/or worried to say anything. I'm okay, I just got severely caught). The question of my sanity aside, lets get back to my hair. Here's how it was before:


I think that for me, it's the novelty of just having long hair. It's not like it actually looks good. I mean, I can make it that way, with my curling iron, or my flat iron...but it always involves a lot of ironing, and then a lot of time, and I'm just too lazy. It's hair, for goodness sakes. So, in a ponytail it goes, or a bun, or braids...and then it looks like something that took me two seconds, because it did. Also, as I get older, my hair has gotten this wispy effect, and unless I use a lot of product, which I hate, especially in summer, it just doesn't appear smooth anymore. So I am well aware that it's not the dream hair that every little girl desires--the Rapunzel locks that are magnificent and flowy. Anyway, about my haircut. I went to Walmart "Smartstyle", expecting a miracle. I don't know what's more ironic, going to walmart for a hairdo, or expecting a miracle, but that's what I did, so I'm admitting that mistake, right there. I also always try to "scout" for the person that I want to do my hair...namely, the person whose hair is passable to cute and therefore, still has some link as to what's stylish. I zoned in on a cute girl that looked right out of hair school, and waited for her to get done with the guy that was fruitlessly flirting with her. But no. Out comes an older, and I know how terrible this makes me sound, obviously pregnant woman, with a not very cute 'do, and this is my stylist. This shouldn't surprise me, because in the lot of my life, this is status quo.
So she begins to ask me what I want. I tell her to remove five inches, tiny, minuscule, to no layers, and I wanted to try having bangs...as every other time I've chickened out. Then she begins. I get lulled into a false sense of security as she takes small, even snippets from my hair. We converse. We groan about the burden of children, and work, and womanhood, and all that stuff that amazingly enough, women, complete strangers, can dish about for hours. Then she's ready to do my bangs. She asks what way I wear my part, and I tell her I don't really have a way, but I want my bangs to swoop this way, and I show her with my hands. She says she's got it, and starts to work. Her first chop is like....I am reminded of trying to cut my own hair as a kid. It's just this blunt snip of scissors, and then there is no hair where there once was. I panic, yet remain quiet, because I don't know how to cut hair, and I don't want to cause unnecessary stress. An extremely long and painful process later, I had a mullet. She asked me how I liked it, and shocked, I said, "fine". While in my head I was just trying to will myself not to cry. And that was that. I went home, took a nap, showed the appalling results to Jeff and Kelli, because she happened to be there, and witness me get a bit teary-eyed about my situation. Jeff convinced me to do something I always do, wash my hair and try to style it myself. Without the obvious blunt frontal snips showing, I can manage. I'm still not overjoyed by any means, but it will grow until I can figure out what to do. There are always ponytails, right? Jeff likes them, so life is still livable. He says that no matter what I do, he still loves me...However, he also knows I'm crazy and obsess about everything. So this just may be a survival mechanism for him. BTW I told you my nose grows when I get pregnant. Why is this, does anyone know? It usually goes back down, but why does it happen in the first place? I'll probably dye my hair later this week, too. Darker. I know, I know. Will I ever learn? This is why I wish I could cut hair myself. That way, when and if I hate it, I can chalk it up to me being an idiot. Oh, and for those of you that loved my really short hair days, thanks. I appreciate the ideas. But I'm too much of a chicken, and the grow-out process is too much of a b!#@h. So baby steps for me for right now. (Also, with the nose, the jowls, and the belly? I'd be even more out of proportion than I already am....YOU know what I mean).

Chachachanges...

First off, BIG THANKS to those of you that gave me ideas for resumes. I want to let you know, I listened, and I will soon be putting those ideas to use. Now then. I've decided that I'm going to go outside my comfort zone. I'm thirty, I'm pregnant, and I'm gonna do some stuff differently. My first change? I can't wait...I'm cutting my hair. I was wanting to continue to grow it and then donate it, but I'm just done. Kudos to those that can wait it out, and do...but I'm not one of those. I'm so sick of it I want to scream--when I get like this, I seriously consider grabbing a pair of dollar store scissors and hacking it myself; something that never ends well. And I just do the same thing with it each day--a ponytail or some sort of something to keep it out of my face. (Granted, it is summer, and there's really no other logical way to wear it, but just try to feel my pain). So Monday, Riley and I are going in for some dead-end removal, and such. Hopefully this will encourage me to do stuff with it occasionally. Now for the whole "pregnancy" factor. Though I can't do anything about that, I can change my attitude about being pregnant. Riley asked me today what I liked about being pregnant...I told her because I know that eventually I will have a new baby. I really thought about my answer after I gave it to her. I am going to try to embrace this pregnancy, because it's my LAST ONE. (I'm so very serious that I'm looking into Jeff getting the final snips to take care of the possibility). Also, officially today, I am exactly halfway through. Of course I thought I was here three weeks ago, but I'm not focusing on that, because this is an "empowering post". Anyway, I don't know if it's because I'm off my meds or what, but I feel constantly 'down' about myself. And believe me, I'm aware of how selfish this all sounds..."Whaaa, I'm fat. Whaaa, nothing fits me and it's too hot. Whaa...I feel like with the acne, the extra sweat, the extra hair, and the overly tired and mannish looking face, I'm hideous to look at so I don't want to go anywhere or do anything." It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone, it's not like there's anything I want more than my husband and kids to feel loved and appreciated. However, I am feeling like I am the center of everyone's attention, and not in a good way. The opposite of good, actually. Blah, it's embarrassing, and frustrating. So I'm going to stop being overly obsessed with myself. Can I do this? It remains to be seen, true, but I'm going to try. From here on out, I'm going to really try to concentrate on me being a vessel for a beautiful little girl to grow and develop. That this time is hers, not mine, and I'm going to try to do it willingly. (Note: Five more months is a long time, so have patience for when I relapse).
Also, I've got about two more months before I get painfully huge. So I'm going to take this time and use it towards getting ready for baby, getting my home clean--deep cleaned, and getting rid of crap that for some reason, it seemed important to save at one time. I have a lot of that crap, and I think it's starting to overrun us. Oh, and speaking of, I was wondering if anyone has, or knows anyone that has, a twin mattress and box spring they could part with--I'm willing to pay. I just thought I'd throw that out there. My children have now been moved into the same room...phew. Jeff isn't as stoked about this as I and they are, but I wanted to make this adjustment before school starts. Also, they are still at the age where sharing a room is "cool" instead of a serious step down in the world, so we must take advantage, NOW.
We have vacated Riley's old room for the baby. Of coarse, she'll sleep in our bedroom for a while, but we want her to have a place where we can put her to sleep without having one of the kids go in and out at all times. Also, I still remember when my little brother would wake up in the night, and I had school the next day. He was only six years younger than I, and I know that it's going to be a hard adjustment for both Riley and Cole, so I'm trying to think ahead while I can still sort of think. Both of my children now don't like loud noises--unless they are making them. The baby's cry will be a hard thing to deal with...Riley used to sit in the back seat with Cole with her ears covered and her eyes closed as he'd cry because the rear-facing car seat is seen by my children as some sort of torture device. I fear that this time it will be worse, as Cole isn't near as even-tempered as Riley is.
So anyway, these are a few of the differences I'm going to try to make. Wish me luck and perseverance--because in reality, I'm a big fat baby that doesn't like it when things get hard. Just in case you hadn't noticed from previous posts. Toodles.

The pink widget had to go, and other stuff.

After a little more than 24 hours, I couldn't stand the sight of the pink monkey. Yesterday I saw Sydney on a dark screen, and she looked like she has the potential to be cute...now yes, I'm aware that sounds harsh and terrible. But let's face it...babies at this age are a bit frightening. You want to believe that they are the most adorable beings ever, simply because you made them, and you feel them, and you are stuck with the constant reminder that you are in charge of their health and nutrition, and so on, and so on. Does this sound harsh? Probably so.
The reality, however is this: A baby's physical appearance at this age is frightening. I mean, the frog body, and the ginormous head...the skinniness, and the alien features...quite scary. So, my last widget did nothing to hide these facts. I had to go back to what I had; what I know.
That being said, I now have my known and trusted widget to display Sydney's progress. I'm sure she would agree that this is for the best.
Anyway, I'm done with summer. You hear me? DONE! I hate the weather, I hate the sweating, I hate the fact that there is so much more of me when I want to wear less clothing...and it's really just not worth all the misery. So I'm ready for fall to begin. We have two more months, and I'm just really hoping that I'll be able to deal. The saddest part is that we've only had like, a couple weeks of true heat, and now I'm seriously ready for it to be over. Any suggestions? Anyone?
I need some help writing a resume. If anyone can remember how, or has a website that I could cheat off of, please let me know. I told Jeff that I'd set one up for him, however not only has it been six years since I've worked, but it's been even longer since I've tried to get one, and my memory is crappier than ever. Let me know, if you've got any ideas.
Okay, this is it for my post, goodnight.

IN YOUR FACE!

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!


So third time IS the charm. We were wrong with Riley and Cole, but little Sydney is on her way. Unfortunately I was wrong in the area of when I am due. I had originally believed that my due date was on the tenth of November....however, I'm now due on the 29th. Rats. This means that the baby will be here hopefully by December 7th. However, if this is the case, Kass and I may have twin-cousin babies. It's something to aim for, anyway. Riley did the honors of reading the verdict. After watching that sliding bluish blob for about a half an hour, we still were anxiously awaiting to find out what it was. Since she is a pro reader, it was obviously her area of expertise, and Jeff and I enjoyed the surprise-that-wasn't-a-surprise because we already knew, you know? (Kyle? You know?)
Cole is happy about his steady position of being our "best boy" and Riley is more than willing to be our older best girl, and to have a younger best girl, too. The thing is, Riley I know is more than okay sharing the girl spotlight. I was a little worried that Cole would have a REALLY hard time not being the only boy. Sharing his toys, playing, etc....Riley is just a lot more easy going than Cole, and Riley really wanted a sister. Cole really didn't care either way, so I'm thinking that everything worked out perfectly. The weirdest part of all this? How excited Jeff was at the ultra sound, and even asking me if he could start telling people. Who is this man? This guy went from telling me that getting pregnant was all my doing, to messaging people like a fiend while I called my mother. (Thanks, Amy and Kass for the messages). He's an enigma. Riley was upset that I was making her wait longer to read the results, but I figure it's all happening in MY uterus, so she could just wait a minute longer while I had my picture taken. Also, I not only put make-up on today, but I also wore earrings. It's a day to remember. Finally Riley got to give us the good news. So we're all excited and happy that all looks well. I have another ultra sound in four weeks, because the doctor was a little worried that either I was wrong on my last menstrual cycle dates, or the baby is too small for how old it is. Seemingly how I can't ever remember a period, and frankly, am never really motivated to, as they all pretty much suck, my bet is that I just don't know what I was talking about. Take note everyone. I'm admitting to being incorrect, and completely okay with it.

What?

So these are some phrases you will hear in our home at any given moment.

1. "COLE, TURN OFF YOUR LIGHT!" (This will be said at least a bazillion times).

2. "HANNAH MONTANA IS IN THE ZONE!" (Cole has never seen Hannah Montana, however, he somehow picked this up to be yelled when he has some sort of triumph, or we are grocery shopping).

3. "YOU LOSED!" (Cole's way of telling you that you most certainly did NOT win, or telling you that he's the winner, and you're the "losed").

4. "E-Babel." (This is Riley's way of saying, "be able", and I find it too adorable to correct).

5. " _(Enter some type of food or drink, here)__ going down rough, going down rough!" (Cole will use this with anything from Gatorade, to Top Ramen. Like most things he says, he has no idea what it means, but he knows how to use it).

6. "I'm gonna 'fro up." (Most of you know where this originates from).

7. "I'm gonna punch you in the butt..." (I say that I will punch my kids in the face--because I'm trashy like that. My children have put their own twist on it).

8. "It's just a joke." (This is when Cole or Riley say something to Jeff and I or each other, that may have been somewhat rude, or uncomplimentary).

9. "Can we jump?" (The kids will say this a million times during the day, and if I say no, they whine, and I'm the meanest mom, ever. If I say yes, just to show them that it's 98 degrees outside, and this is why I originally said no, then I'm the meanest mom ever. It's an endless cycle).

10. "I'm bored." (I finally get why this is an annoying statement).

11. "Cole didn't say he was sorry." (Riley is very adamant about Cole apologizing for EVERYTHING. I'm not too overly adverse to a guy picking up on this habit).

12. "I don't want to hear that." (Riley is very adamant about what she is comfortable with--especially when it comes to someone else saying dumb things).

13. "BALLS!" (I'm a great example to my children...but this is my favorite word right now).

14. "Don't look at me." (Riley's way to get rid of Cole).

15. "Did you hear me singing?" (Riley's and Cole's way of sharing their lovely voices with everyone while at the same time, being covert about it).

16. "Riley won't stop singing!" (Cole's opinion of Riley's singing isn't the highest. He usually resorts to tears, while Riley gets progressively louder).

17. "Whatever you're doing to Cole, do it to me." (We are all about equality...and if not, we are told about it).

18. "Cause Jesus does that." (This is Cole's way of explaining his awesomeness. This is the reason why he's so kind, and sharing, and caring, etc. He's just doing what Jesus does).

19. "Mom says that when I die, I can be buried with Blue Baby." (When Riley is a tad low, somehow the conversation turns to this. I have assured her that when she dies, she will indeed be buried with blue baby. However, I am aware that this is a very disturbing conversation to have with an eight year old).

20. "I love you." (We are a family that uses this very often...and no, it doesn't lessen it).

A Few Various Thoughts I Have During the Day...in no particular order, and for no particular reason.

1. No one writes better songs about my children, for me, than Ben Folds. The song, "Gracie" is exactly how I feel about Riley and the song, "Still Fighting It" is perfect for Cole. Except for the beer part...as I'm not a beer drinker. But he's a guy that gets it.

2. And Ben Folds' "The Luckiest" is the way I feel about Jeff. Strangely, I don't consider Ben Folds my absolute favorite, or anything...like I said though, he gets it.

3. I have crushes on both Jack White, and Jack Black. For entirely different reasons as they are entirely different people. I have crushes on a lot of men, (you all know about Angel and Spike)...it's a little ridiculous at times. However, Jeff allows me this, even though I don't reciprocate. I don't enjoying knowing about any of his crushes, in fact, I'm happier believing that since he's married to me, he's incapable of having any. (Delusional? I've never denied it). But he lets me believe the way I want to...otherwise I resort to catty remarks about the other ladies that SOMEHOW have captured his attention. Is this just a "girl" thing, or am I completely the possessive/jealous type? I assuage my guilt by convincing myself it's a bit of both.

4. If I eat two candy bars, I will gain five pounds. Jeff says this is scientifically impossible. He, however, has never had to deal with my metabolism, or having my thighs. Science has nothing to do with it.

5. If I don't look at the fat content on the pint of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, it tastes better.

6. That despite huge improvements in communication and transportation, in NO way do the kids of today have it "easy".

7. If Joss Whedon would bring back Buffy, Angel, or Firefly...the world would be right again.

8. Feeling the baby in my stomach doesn't exactly make me feel endeared. Actually, it feels like gas--angry gas. After I get the ultra sound, that's when it will all fall into place. Right now I just feel fat with bouts of the previously mentioned angry gas. When I see the baby on that little dark, swishy monitor, it's so much more real. And exciting.

9. I know this makes me a terrible mom, but most days I wish I could just sleep until my due date. The heat, the feeling vomitous, the guilt of being so tired all the time, the grouchiness, the constant peeing...all things that I could easily do without for the next five months. Also, I worry that this period of time might damage Riley and Cole. My patience is shot, and it's not their fault, and I know it. I think of when I was pregnant with Cole, and how life was, and how I was with Riley. To this day I hate thinking about it. If they make through without severe emotional problems, I will be so grateful.

10. I wish I had a veggie burrito. Or some steak carbone tacos.

Also...after re-reading my last post, (this is something I continually do because I'm anal like that), I really noticed that when I talk about Jeff I make him out to sound like he never even talks to his own family...this isn't true. He doesn't talk nearly as much as I do to mine, but that's just the way he is, and they know that, and respect it. I think I mainly make him out to be the hermit that only talks to me, Riley and Cole, because I try to get this across to certain members of MY family, that feel that because Jeff isn't a chatterbox/socialite, this means he doesn't like them. Which also isn't true, but my side of the family has dominant "thick-headed" gene, that doesn't seem to get that. Anyway, just wanted to put that out there, in case someone was feeling like I just want Jeff to love me the most, and am therefore, painting him out to be that way. (Which may be completely true, but I'm not admitting it).