WOW (by Jeff)

I am calling this post WOW because it is fitting in two ways.

1. WOW, perfectly describes the subject of this post, mothers.

and

2. Cole made Rainey a mothers day book at school and he glued the card on the front upside-down so it read "WOW". I thought that was both funny and accurate.

In my humble opinion there are two great mothers in the world, my mother and my wife. Not that there are not other great mothers out there, it's just that I'm a little biased.

First, Happy Mothers Day to my Mom. She might not have always understood me but she let me find my own way in the world and I am forever grateful for her patience and love.

Now, the mother of my children. That sounds so odd to say it like that. Like there's a distance there that shouldn't be. Rainey has become the most amazing person. In the 10 plus years I have known her she has defied categorization and expanded my capacity to love. Every day I reminded of how lucky I am to be with her. She brings a light to my life that I couldn't find anywhere else. She has brought us three amazing kids who love her with all their heart... but how could you not.



She gives all of herself without question. While the kids may not appreciate her as much as they should, their love for her comes out in unexpected ways. Sydney adores her, much to my chagrin (she thinks of me as a big couch that props her up). Cole love's her to the extent that his heart breaks if she isn't happy (or happy with him). Riley and her have this mutual bond that I cannot touch. She is so kind and understanding, she just brings so much to our family that I can't really describe with any amount of accuracy. She would do anything for us, and us for her.

When I was a teenager I imagined this one person who I would spend all my time with for the rest of my life. Now, I never really thought I would find this person, if she really existed. But I let myself imagine her just the same. It comforted me to pretend there was someone like this out there for me. It was in the space needle in Seattle that I realized Rainey was this person. It hit me like a bolt of lightning. At that moment I knew I loved her.

Rainey,
I love you so much, more every year, month, week, day. Without you I couldn't make it, I wouldn't be who I am today without your encouragement, support, friendship, and love. Our kids wouldn't be the wonderful people they are and our lives would be lacking.

Happy Mothers Day (P.S. this is your mothers day card)

May

The weather lately has been fabulous. Lots of rain. There's something about overcast skies that makes me very happy. So happy, in fact, that I think eventually my little family will have to migrate to Washington state. I'm hoping that by the time we get to the point of actually being able to move, maybe the cost of living will go down out there. Who knows?
In other news I semi-recently bought a dog-deterrent for my yard. It will emit a loud chirp--that's audible--if anything comes within the parameters of our yard. Now this sounds mean, I know. However, I have had the displeasure of cleaning up after two full-grown boxers and a bitchy chiuaua for the last five years. Apparently because I work hard on my lawn, and have no animals of my own, it's prime space for doggy dumps. And even after repetitive polite requests to keep dogs off my lawn, almost everyday there was a new, steaming pile that didn't come from anyone in my household. So, after some serious complaints to Jeff, and a couple times where the boxers came up and jumped up into Cole's face whilst barking their "angry barks", (causing him to be scared to death every time he went out the front door). We then consulted Amazon and found my new dog deterrent. It. Is. AWESOME! I'm happy to say that for two entire weeks there have been no signs of dog life in my yard. I didn't expect it to work, but it does. Like a charm. We are poop-free! I wish there was some way I could relay these thoughts that would portray the joy--sheer joy I feel about this triumph, but there isn't. So just know know this: After five years of fighting this battle, I freaking won. BOO-YA! Anyway, I mention it because summer is right around the corner, and you know what that means for me? Mowing the lawn, every week. And now I only have to worry about weeds and crabgrass and dandylions. Not dog poop. Life is good.

I'm still loving my phone. (Obviously). The only downside to having video is that I've become that mother that thinks EVERYTHING is worthy of being recorded. Much to your dismay, I'm sure. But, with Syd everything is so final. She's our last, so every single milestone has suddenly become that much more important, because you forget so much about every stage. Anyway, I think this is why I've been video crazy. Also, she's kind of our new family toy.
Sydney has decided that she's happiest when she's NOT wearing clothes. In fact, we have repeatedly tested this theory, and the data remains the same: She cries, she whines, she kicks and complains. Then we take her PJ's off, or whatever outfit she's been shoved into, and she suddenly turns into this happy, excited baby that laughs and coos and yells just to see how loud she can squeal.

K. So that's my update for tonight. Random, I know. But, not a lot is happening. However, it IS mother's day on Sunday. I want to give my mama a big shout out--LOVE YA, MOM! Hope that it's a good one. And a happy Mother's day to my mother-in-law, as well. I'm so lucky she took a chance on accepting a girl that was in no way deserving of her son. (After having my boy, I can tell you right now, that it's going to take a LOT for me to accept whoever Cole brings home). And now Jeff's trapped cause I'm the mother of HIS children. He never knew what hit him. Heh. And not only that, but he has to give me a present on top of everything else, or I'll throw a huge gigantic fit and make his existence a guilt-ridden nagg-a-thon. Womanhood is beautiful. :)
Happy Wednesday, Suckas!

I love my phone.

So I have to see if this works. It's boring baby video, but if it comes out clear, I'll be a video posting MACHINE. Can I just tell you about the relationship I have with my Blackberry? It kind of boarders on disturbing. It's not like the quality of pictures or videos, for that matter, is of the highest quality...but it fits in my purse, and it will be there whenever I need it. Ahh...those are two of my prerequisites for happiness. (A reason my purses are always so ginormous).

SUCCESS!!! A big thanks to my brilliant sister, Muff, for keeping me informed on the new and improved updates for my phone, and telling me step by step how to upload them. (And then Jeff, as well, when I still didn't get it). Otherwise, my stupidity would severely limit me and the fabulousness of my lil' Blackberry.

Late Night Updates

So I just wanted to thank those that offered their support and love. I appreciate it. I know that I've been really blessed to have a great family and friends.

I'm currently watching 30 Rock season 2, as Jeff and I just finished season 1. I'm loving it. It's funny and smart and I, probably like every other woman in the world, feel like I have so much in common with Liz Lemon. We both wear glasses, we love food...See what I mean?

Something that has made me happy lately has been hearing "Vault Soda" commercials on the radio. "Kicks like an energy drink/drinks like a soda". That guy's voice can turn a crappy day into a mediocre one.

Okay. I'm tired. More to come later this week, and I'll be keeping up with my tweets daily, because I KNOW you want to hear my random thoughts throughout the day. Have a happy Monday, y'all.

Death.

Disclaimer: If you couldn't tell by my title, this will be a downer post. I need to write this for my personal records...so should you feel like not reading it...I understand. I myself like to stay away from things that I can't control, that stress and worry me, or that are just negatively definite--no matter what I do. So I won't be offended should you choose not to read, or comment. Because as I said before, this is for me. There's something about my blog that I love...something about putting my thoughts out there...writing them down and being unapologetic about them. Or sometimes I am apologetic...but I say what I need to. I try to explain myself, even if it comes out harsh and whiny. This is therapy for me. And because I really don't know if I can put full trust in any "professional therapist", because they are actual people and have problems that they can't figure out just like every other human being, I'll go with typing all this out, and try to distinguish how I'm feeling about everything...and what kind of dealing will work best for me.

Anyway, I thought it best to put that out there. Because there are times when I read stuff and realize halfway through that it's "too deep" for me right then. That thinking back on that pain or hardship will do nothing but make me ache. And I have too many people depending on me. That sounds terrible even to my ears, but I have to be honest. One day, maybe I'll grow up and be able to take it like a man...whatever that means.

So dying...death. I guess I'm kind of privy to various types of emotional deaths...like: The death of a friendship or the death of love. Both sound kind of severe and cheesy, but the heartache is real. Like most people, I've experienced both and cried and thought I would die because of the pain in my heart. I've mourned both, as well. Sometimes I look back on those times fondly, and sometimes things are still too painful to really delve into.

Then there's the death of a marriage. And though I haven't experienced this on the marriage end, I was part of this by proxy--because the married people were my parents. That was hard, too. Though it worked out better for them, going through it was Hell...and eye-opening in a very negative way. I'd seen them fight and be mean to each other, but I'd never seen them be petty and spiteful. And suddenly I realized how childish parents can be. I wasn't the only one that was hurt in the process; like each experience, it was terrible for everyone involved.

I've also experienced the death of a pet--and though I've made it quite clear that I'm not an animal lover, I've shed a lot of tears for little pets I've had growing up, and I am one that gets attached quickly to anything that depends on me, and will show me love. I grew up with a lot of different animals...and hurt every time they did.

Then there's the more serious types of death. Serious to me, anyway. A death of a friend, or someone that is more than a friend to you. Where one moment they are there and everything is great, and the next you find yourself breathing quickly, and silently praying that this is just a stressful nightmare and you'll wake up soon. Or it's just a tasteless joke, and you plead that whoever delivered the bad news would realize that they'd gone too far, and take it all back. I've had the displeasure of these events in my life, as well. I've cried so much that I sounded like a wounded animal...where sounds were no longer human, and words were lost to me. And I've also felt so numb and empty that I couldn't find any sounds. And I just wanted to slip into the oblivion that is sleep; where reality bends to anything you'd like it to be. And death isn't an option because by some miracle, everything works out, and whatever caused the death was somehow avoided because I had circumvented it at the last second.
Unfortunately, this doesn't make me unique. Most people have felt these same feelings and can say that they've lost just as many important people that I have. I know this. It's inevitable. But to each of us, our individual pain is often so great that it surpasses our ability to think cognitively. And we lose ourselves in our own sorrow. For the record, I tried to think of ways to write all these thoughts down that didn't sound completely tragic and comparable to bad high school poetry. But I think that this is still a part of me that reverts back to that person that becomes more cynical with each experienced death. That person that is still surprised that it happens the way it does, and when it does. Logically I know that it happens to all of us, but there are times when the how and why just don't make any sense.

My father is dying. I've known since mid-December...a little after my birthday, and Sydney's birth. He didn't want me to know, because I'd just had my baby, and it was a happy/relieved time for me. But it's something that you really can't hide from people--it's something that you shouldn't.
Because of his request to not let anyone know, I've kept it quiet. My kids don't know...and I honestly don't want them to. This is something that I am trying to be diplomatic about, as it is a fact of life, and they will obviously find out. But for now, I don't believe that kind of stress and worry should rest on a child's shoulders. There is so much negative out there that they will eventually experience, and though some may think this is cheating them in some way, I highly disagree. My kids, my decision. Also my father's decision. He'd prefer they remember him as the Grandpa Steele that loves them. Not the Grandpa Steele that's wasting away. And he is. And it kills me. Watching someone you love continually getting worse and knowing that there's nothing you can do-nothing anyone can do-blows. There's really not an eloquent way to explain it; not that I've thought of, anyway. I'm hurting and feel like there's no one to talk to. And there are people I can talk to, I know this. But no one that has experienced it the way I'm currently experiencing it. So it's too much to explain exactly where I stand, and why. I can't find the words. Obviously.

I've been sad for a while now. I worry every time my phone rings. I just got a call that my dad is in the Emergency Room, and this has become the norm. I was told he'd have 12 to 14 months left, and it's been less than five. I feel cheated and sick, and I worry about my stepmom because she's losing her husband and she's living my worst nightmare. I can't sleep, and I can't think.
Phew. Okay. Too much, too soon. I'm trying to keep it together. And I'm trying to be strong. So that's where I am. I'm kind of checking out of things that normally would be important to me....that are important to others. And I think it's more fair that I explain why. I've had a few people ask me why I'm not visiting as often or why I seem even more detached or why I'm not as excited about certain things that I normally would be. I'm sorry, but I'm not there right now. I'm not really capable of it. And instead of pulling aside everyone that doesn't know, I'm just putting it all out there. All at once.

I hope that clears the air. I hope that things I've said will be taken as they are, and with the knowledge that these are my feelings. And they'll be respected.

Vegas, Baby!

Sorry about the lull in posts. Am I the only one that actually takes LONGER to unpack and get settled after a vacation rather than getting packed and ready? It's been so long since I've actually been on one-and with kids-that I'd forgotten how much work goes into washing all the clothes, and getting everything out of bags and actually getting back into the routine of life. Also, I've noticed that most of my posts start out with some sort of "sorry it's been so long", apology. This coincidentally happens with all my journals that I try keeping, as well. Does this mean that my blogging days are numbered? Could be.
So I'm not a millionaire. I know. I'm shocked, too. The last time Jeff and I were in Vegas was a little over seven years ago. At that time you could actually put coins into the machines/slots and gamble. So if you had a load of change just lying around, Las Vegas was the place to go. We did. But this time, it wasn't.
Now you're supposed to bring cash only, or better yet, pay for some sort of credit card that attaches to your pocket, and plugs into a machine so you can play for a little receipt of paper that says you can go to one of the cashiers and should you get lucky, they'll give you money. I was never lucky. I wasted a whole ten dollars. I hate this new way of gambling. It's too scary and you can't trick yourself with carrying around a dirty plastic cup of change. So I'm still as poor as I was before, (ten bucks poorer, actually), and for that, I'm glad it wasn't a vacation just for Jeff and me. I'm glad we'd decided on doing a lot of activities and maybe "trying our luck" at gambling on the side, rather than the other way around, as our luck in the gambling area sucked. Big time.
We actually stayed in Primm, Nevada. At Buffalo Bill's. This was because we got rooms for $3.00 a night. We had to get two rooms, because we now are larger than a family of four....but at three bucks a night, we did it without complaint. Also, having two rooms was really nice. Jeff would sleep in and the kids and I went to the other room and watched cartoons until he finally graced us with his morning presence. Our first day there was pretty relaxed. We checked in, and found out that the pool was only heated on the weekends. (Total bummer). That was the thing the kids were most looking forward to...but luckily, I've got great kids. They were satisfied with a few dips in the hot tub, and they still enjoyed the trip. We asked the kids if they'd like to ride on the rollercoaster. It was coincidentally Jeff's 32nd birthday, (LOVE YOU, BAYBEEEEEE!), and he said that riding would be something he'd like to do, but neither one of the kids wanted to try it. Because one of us had to hang with Syd while the other rode the "Desperado", the kids cooperation was mandatory...and no dice. Riley said it looked way too scary, and Cole said he'd try it, but "later". Anyway, our first night there was very low key.
The next day we went to "The Real Las Vegas", as Cole called it. Because we were staying in the "Fake Las Vegas". Our first stop was the Mandalay Bay. I would have loved to stay there--that place is huge and has so much stuff going on. (Instead of just a pool, they have an entire water park...and it's not closed on the weekdays. Fancy that). One day, for sure. We went to the aquarium they had there, and the kids, Jeff and I were really impressed with it. Kory and Amy had mentioned it to us, and they also told us about the miracle that is Google text/search--it allows you to have directions sent to your cell phone by text--why do I never know about any of this stuff? This is a white alligator. Apparently they are way cooler than the green ones. They had little misters going on and off inside the area that contained the wildlife. It made my normally oily complexion exceptionally shiny. And didn't have any effect on Jeff's face at all. Proof positive that is IS harder to be a woman. Obvious proof.
They had little remote/phone thingies that we had to carry around and listen to the back stories of all the featured animals. I can see where this would be a good idea for those people there that were on a date, or just random couples that were killing a few hours until happy hour. But when you've got kids and babies and loads of other crap that requires your hands, it was just stressful. So I didn't get the stories on each animal, but I think I figured everything out just the same. Then we got to the actual sea-life part, and this was equal parts really cool, and creepy. We saw a lot of sharks--thus the aquarium's name, Shark Reef. They had a tank with tons of jellyfish and an Octopus...I kind of wonder if this would be considered impolite in Octopus society, however, they didn't say anything, so...
Syd's favorite part by far was the the lion fish tank. It had the perfect amount of fish and florescent lighting and they would swim right next to her face. I thought it was funny to see a four month old that interested in what was going on around her--she actually paid attention to everything. Let's see, the kids got to pet sting rays, and though this was the cause of death for Steve the Crocodile Hunter, the kids love it each and every time. I am a little relieved by the fact that some say they remove the barb that excretes poison or whatever, but just a little. They still carry salmonella, are saddened by the fact that their sole existence now is just being handled by noisy people all day, and are slimy. So points for me in touching one, as well.
I've never been one to overly freak out in confined places, but after watching the sharks above, below, and to the sides of me, I began to think about the possibility of the tanks cracking or buckling under pressure. And how we would all die and there'd be no escape. Five minutes into those kinds of thoughts, I was ready for the the tour to be over, and we made our way out. It was a really great experience, though. I really want to take the kids to the aquarium in Seattle. I've never seen one that compares, and I know that they'd love it. Ahh...just keep taking these vacation baby steps, and one day...This is Cole and Jeff taking a breather at the Luxor. It wasn't that exciting there, as you can tell by Cole's face.
Then we went to MGM Grand and visited M&M and Coke world. There was an actual lady dancing on the bar at MGM. I was kind of mezmerized as it was about 5 o'clock in the afternoon, and people were just drinking and not paying attention to her....Worst. Job. Ever. I almost took a picture, but thought it way too "touristy" for me, even. Then it got me thinking about strippers...as there are billboards and flyers everywhere to go see them. And though as a stripper you normally have a rock'n bod....you also have to dance/jiggle in front of a bunch of creeps while they occasionally stare, leer, and eat. I really come up short when I try to see the upside of it. I guess if you're successful, the money would be the only positive. As I watched that lady dance on the bar for all that she was worth, I imagined that I'd just be a fat stripper that would get pissed no one was noticing I'd skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner for the last two months in a row, and I'd have to admit defeat.
Coke and M&M world were quite interesting...Coke moreso than M&M in my humble opinion, as M&Ms are, I believe, the biggest waste of space in the candy world. (Unless they are almond or peanut butter). My little family disagrees with me, however, but this is my blog, so I can voice MY opinion. The last pictures are of us on the Strip. Though you can't tell, Jeff was actually holding both Riley and Cole up level to him. He was way bummed that I didn't show that in the actual picture, as he was using severe muscle all the while I was trying to get a photo that worked with him and the kids in it. But I feel like I need to explain for all his hard work; that he's still a complete and utter "He-Man", even at the old age of 32.
Our final day in Nevada was Cole's birthday. Happy 6th, Bubbers! All he needed was another year of courage, and he was willing to go on the Desperado with Jeff. Technically he was about an inch shy of the height limit--but that sneaky kid stood on his tiptoes while he was being measured. And no, he had no coaching from either one of us. Not one to be shown up by Cole, Riley decided that she'd go with me after Jeff and Cole got back. I was excited to go, but going with Riley could turn into a nightmare--as she's that kid that pukes when being spun on the swings. So while Jeff and Cole went and rode the rollercoaster, Riley, Syd and I went to the arcade and played games. FYI, Riley and I are pros at skee-ball. Or however that's spelled. Either way, we'd totally kick your buns. We were trying to figure out how to redeem our tickets into prizes when Jeff and Cole came back--Jeff looking bright-eyed and Cole looking green and grateful to be alive. He told Riley it was the scariest thing he's ever done, and Jeff was concerned that some crying would be involved in the middle of the ride, but Cole held it together. Let's just say he wasn't up for a second round, not by a long shot. (Seriously wind-blown hair). Then Riley and I went. I was actually getting a little scared...not of the ride, because I've been on it a few times, but because I just knew that Riley was going to barf all over me, and in addition to having to apologize to the innapropriately intimate couple seated behind us was going to be awkward. As we started off there was a little decline before the huge climb to the very top, and Riley screamed at that...so I knew things would just get progressively worse. For about thirty seconds we were pulled straight up into the air, everything below looking like toys. And then the couple of cars in front of us got to the drop, and we watched them fall before being jerked along with them. I spared a glance at Riley and her eyes were popping out of their sockets. And then we were freefalling. Straight down. The force of the rollercoaster made it hard to turn my entire head, but as I screamed and simutaneously tried to peek at Riley, I saw her look of terror and heard her screams of, "OH MY GOSH!!!!!!OH MY GOSH!!!" repeatedly and the expression on her face would probably be the same had she been being eaten by a pack of ferocious, rabid dogs. From there, in addition to my screaming out of fear of the drop and speed, I was also screaming in anticipation of flying chunks of whatever she'd eaten that morning. But to my surprise and pleasure, none came. We finally came to the point we'd started from, and I spared her a glance. She was deep breathing and finally looked up at me. She started out softly: "That....was....AWESOME!" She was glowing with excitement. Ahhh....that's my girl! :)
Following the rollercoaster rides and arcade, we went to the outlet stores at the Primadonna Casino. No pictures were taken, while there, sorry. Not that you all haven't seen an American Eagle or Gap or Bath and Body Works. Rest assured, though, I got some great deals. Some of the stores shouldn't have been able to have the word "outlet" attached to their titles, as an outlet makes you assume better prices. But, I guess that's just the rule of retail. All in all, our trip was WAY too short. There were so many things that I wished we could have done. If you go to Vegas, a day simply doesn't give you enough time to get past more than three casinos. But though the getting home and re-situated was a bit harder than I'd imagined, I'm ready for our next outing. It IS nice to be in our own beds, though. Until next time, dear readers. One day, I shall be all caught up. Maybe.

Hasta

Much thanks to all my responders regarding my last post. Nothing makes me happier than hearing that I'm not the only one that thinks my problems are big. And that I shouldn't HAVE to deal. So I believe that when we return from our Vacation, (the vacation that will be "stealing" education from my children causing them to get progressively dumber each second they miss), I'm going to do something seriously hard core. Like write a complaint letter. Or something.
In all seriousness, I am actually pretty riled up about this situation. After having time to reflect the meeting and the supposed law, and all that jazz...I think most parent's reaction to this situation is similar to mine...which is utter confusion. What can I do? Who can I approach? How can I continue to keep my children in public school, where they love their friends and their teachers? Ultimately, the most important thing here is for Riley and Cole to be happy. They really enjoy the school, their teachers, the principal, etc...so I'm going to try to be nice and not burn all the bridges that they deal with on a daily basis. Like I said, I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but it will be something. First I have to do some studying and find out what the specifics of the laws are and such, so I don't sound like a total doof.
Anyway, if I come home a millionaire from the nickle machines that I love, I may just forget the whole thing and move away. I'll hire tutors for Riley and Cole that will kick Cherry Creek's collective public arse.
Toodles for this week. We're gonna be partying Vegas style, or the style with an infant and two grade school kids, which I'm sure is just as fabulous. Regardless, you'll see lots of pictures when we're back. Later dudes!