I just signed up to be able to post from my Blackberry. So now you all will have more access to the mind of ME. But without spell check--so you'll have to just deal.
So, I'm not one prone to fits of jealousy. Okay, who am I kidding? Yes I am. But, not about stuff like cars and boats and toys of that nature. That kind of stuff just has never held a lot of allure for me. Today though, I'm getting our Avenger's oil changed. And I was feeling pretty high-class because a) our dodge is a pretty nice vehicle, and b) because I actually was driving by myself with no kids in the car. So, I was enjoying the illusion of youth and possible coolness.
Then I was passed by a silver, convertible Dodge Viper that was being driven by a skinny girl talking on her cellphone, swirving a little, and having her perfectly shaggy pixie cut being artfully swayed in the wind. Uh..illusions of grandeur were stopped immediately.

Merry Month of May

Okay, I guess it's been an adequate amount of time to have left Jeff's post up. An entire week. It was hard to do, actually. Because a lot of stuff happened, but then, I thought it was more important for you suckas to see how much my husband loves me. I'm a lucky, lucky girl. ;)

This month has been busy. For Mother's Day, Jeff presented me with a Sony HandyCam. And I freaking LOVE it! I'm still trying to figure out how to get the best quality of pictures and such, and that always takes me a while because of my general moronic disposition, but I've been having a grand time, nevertheless. And I've been videoing like mad, as well. Most of the stuff isn't fit to display--NOT because of any lewd reasons, but because I always think something more interesting is going to happen, and so my videos are at least like, five minutes long. Shockingly enough, that's too much time to devote to a drooling baby. But, I have to have these records. I just won't bore you all with them.

For a Pre-Mother's day treat, I got to go to Riley's school, as her entire 3rd grade class put on a little show for just us Mommies. It was way cute. They danced, they sang--Riley unfortunately got stuck with the shortest male of her class. He also suffered from an extreme case of "little man's" disease; where his maturity level was in the negatives, and he reminded me of a sarcastic toad...if such a thing is possible. He was beyond mortified to dance with my daughter, and though other, less height-challenged boys didn't have any problems, he continued to act like he was dying a very slow death. As Riley's mother, you can understand why I don't like him and had fantasies of accidentally running him over in the parking lot. As if my Riley would dance with him if she hadn't been required, so get over yourself, you short socially-retarded troll. Anyhoo, the rest of it was virtually pain-free and the kids did an excellent job. I'm sure all of us felt loved, and that was the point. Also, we got really good cookies at the end. So, an all round success, if you ask me.

After the program, Riley took me to her classroom and showed me some of her projects and such. She was quite proud of this:

I loved the last bit--where "energetic", and "yawn" made up the last parts of her name; side by side. There's no labeling Riley--she's a complicated and diverse girl. But the most exciting part, I thought, was: I believe that above all, we women want to percieve ourselves as VERY imporntant. Right? I know I sure do. ;)


Also, for Mother's day I received gifts from Riley and Cole that they both made during school. A booklet from each, telling me how fabulous I am....can you imagine anything better? I seriously can't. From Cole: How did he know I only weigh 100lbs?

And from Riley: Just in case you can't see the jist of this pic, she says I'm made of love, kindness, "happyness", and sugar. If I were asked what I were made of, I'd totally say the exact same things. ;) I have great kids, I seriously do.

I am proud to report that Syd now has two bottom teeth that she and myself, and everyone else in this household worked very hard to bring into being. A lot of sleeplessness and cranky episodes were involved, and I'm hoping that her easy-going demeanor will now make a comeback. She started the whole process at the end of her third month, and I just am keeping my fingers crossed that no more will make an appearance for at least a while. I've really been missing my sleep. I know I complain a lot about this...but I get even crazier when deprived of my Zzzz's, and we all know that isn't a positive thing.

This weekend I was a little bummed that I missed the Anderson Sand Dunes trip, but I have issues with sand and babies. I know, I'm a completely rotten mother that never lets her kids have any fun; they remind me often. However, taking a teething baby with constant drool to an area where sand and dirt are swirling all around was something I didn't think I could do without Jeff, as he had free-lance projects. So instead, I was overly lazy and the kids played on our trampoline. On a side note, Cole told me that this was the "best weekend of his life". He tells me this on a regular basis, yes. But it could always be worse, right?

The other adventure I have to mention is one of our favorites. My little Sis, Muff and her husband Chris, became parents of a sort. This is their baby:
Isn't she sweet? I don't know how many posts of the "I hate dogs" variety I've done, but the truth is this...I don't hate them. I just hate the owners that don't pick up after their pets, or let their dogs bully my kids, or are fine with their pets invading those that don't-have-that-special-bond-with-them's space. I know that sounds really raunchy of me, but I feel like it's the same with kids, you know? No one wants me to let my kids jump on their furniture, or take a dump on their lawn, or yell at them for telling them no. That kind of stuff.

Lastly, I'm leaving you all with a couple videos. The first is Jeff spying on Cole and how he plays with Syd. And the second is of Maddie, Muff's baby bassett hound, and how she howls. It's adorable. So many babies...so much cuteness. Okay, it's time for me to sleeeeeep. Two more weeks of school, and then we are free for an entire summer. I can't wait!

WOW (by Jeff)

I am calling this post WOW because it is fitting in two ways.

1. WOW, perfectly describes the subject of this post, mothers.

and

2. Cole made Rainey a mothers day book at school and he glued the card on the front upside-down so it read "WOW". I thought that was both funny and accurate.

In my humble opinion there are two great mothers in the world, my mother and my wife. Not that there are not other great mothers out there, it's just that I'm a little biased.

First, Happy Mothers Day to my Mom. She might not have always understood me but she let me find my own way in the world and I am forever grateful for her patience and love.

Now, the mother of my children. That sounds so odd to say it like that. Like there's a distance there that shouldn't be. Rainey has become the most amazing person. In the 10 plus years I have known her she has defied categorization and expanded my capacity to love. Every day I reminded of how lucky I am to be with her. She brings a light to my life that I couldn't find anywhere else. She has brought us three amazing kids who love her with all their heart... but how could you not.



She gives all of herself without question. While the kids may not appreciate her as much as they should, their love for her comes out in unexpected ways. Sydney adores her, much to my chagrin (she thinks of me as a big couch that props her up). Cole love's her to the extent that his heart breaks if she isn't happy (or happy with him). Riley and her have this mutual bond that I cannot touch. She is so kind and understanding, she just brings so much to our family that I can't really describe with any amount of accuracy. She would do anything for us, and us for her.

When I was a teenager I imagined this one person who I would spend all my time with for the rest of my life. Now, I never really thought I would find this person, if she really existed. But I let myself imagine her just the same. It comforted me to pretend there was someone like this out there for me. It was in the space needle in Seattle that I realized Rainey was this person. It hit me like a bolt of lightning. At that moment I knew I loved her.

Rainey,
I love you so much, more every year, month, week, day. Without you I couldn't make it, I wouldn't be who I am today without your encouragement, support, friendship, and love. Our kids wouldn't be the wonderful people they are and our lives would be lacking.

Happy Mothers Day (P.S. this is your mothers day card)

May

The weather lately has been fabulous. Lots of rain. There's something about overcast skies that makes me very happy. So happy, in fact, that I think eventually my little family will have to migrate to Washington state. I'm hoping that by the time we get to the point of actually being able to move, maybe the cost of living will go down out there. Who knows?
In other news I semi-recently bought a dog-deterrent for my yard. It will emit a loud chirp--that's audible--if anything comes within the parameters of our yard. Now this sounds mean, I know. However, I have had the displeasure of cleaning up after two full-grown boxers and a bitchy chiuaua for the last five years. Apparently because I work hard on my lawn, and have no animals of my own, it's prime space for doggy dumps. And even after repetitive polite requests to keep dogs off my lawn, almost everyday there was a new, steaming pile that didn't come from anyone in my household. So, after some serious complaints to Jeff, and a couple times where the boxers came up and jumped up into Cole's face whilst barking their "angry barks", (causing him to be scared to death every time he went out the front door). We then consulted Amazon and found my new dog deterrent. It. Is. AWESOME! I'm happy to say that for two entire weeks there have been no signs of dog life in my yard. I didn't expect it to work, but it does. Like a charm. We are poop-free! I wish there was some way I could relay these thoughts that would portray the joy--sheer joy I feel about this triumph, but there isn't. So just know know this: After five years of fighting this battle, I freaking won. BOO-YA! Anyway, I mention it because summer is right around the corner, and you know what that means for me? Mowing the lawn, every week. And now I only have to worry about weeds and crabgrass and dandylions. Not dog poop. Life is good.

I'm still loving my phone. (Obviously). The only downside to having video is that I've become that mother that thinks EVERYTHING is worthy of being recorded. Much to your dismay, I'm sure. But, with Syd everything is so final. She's our last, so every single milestone has suddenly become that much more important, because you forget so much about every stage. Anyway, I think this is why I've been video crazy. Also, she's kind of our new family toy.
Sydney has decided that she's happiest when she's NOT wearing clothes. In fact, we have repeatedly tested this theory, and the data remains the same: She cries, she whines, she kicks and complains. Then we take her PJ's off, or whatever outfit she's been shoved into, and she suddenly turns into this happy, excited baby that laughs and coos and yells just to see how loud she can squeal.

K. So that's my update for tonight. Random, I know. But, not a lot is happening. However, it IS mother's day on Sunday. I want to give my mama a big shout out--LOVE YA, MOM! Hope that it's a good one. And a happy Mother's day to my mother-in-law, as well. I'm so lucky she took a chance on accepting a girl that was in no way deserving of her son. (After having my boy, I can tell you right now, that it's going to take a LOT for me to accept whoever Cole brings home). And now Jeff's trapped cause I'm the mother of HIS children. He never knew what hit him. Heh. And not only that, but he has to give me a present on top of everything else, or I'll throw a huge gigantic fit and make his existence a guilt-ridden nagg-a-thon. Womanhood is beautiful. :)
Happy Wednesday, Suckas!

I love my phone.

So I have to see if this works. It's boring baby video, but if it comes out clear, I'll be a video posting MACHINE. Can I just tell you about the relationship I have with my Blackberry? It kind of boarders on disturbing. It's not like the quality of pictures or videos, for that matter, is of the highest quality...but it fits in my purse, and it will be there whenever I need it. Ahh...those are two of my prerequisites for happiness. (A reason my purses are always so ginormous).

SUCCESS!!! A big thanks to my brilliant sister, Muff, for keeping me informed on the new and improved updates for my phone, and telling me step by step how to upload them. (And then Jeff, as well, when I still didn't get it). Otherwise, my stupidity would severely limit me and the fabulousness of my lil' Blackberry.

Late Night Updates

So I just wanted to thank those that offered their support and love. I appreciate it. I know that I've been really blessed to have a great family and friends.

I'm currently watching 30 Rock season 2, as Jeff and I just finished season 1. I'm loving it. It's funny and smart and I, probably like every other woman in the world, feel like I have so much in common with Liz Lemon. We both wear glasses, we love food...See what I mean?

Something that has made me happy lately has been hearing "Vault Soda" commercials on the radio. "Kicks like an energy drink/drinks like a soda". That guy's voice can turn a crappy day into a mediocre one.

Okay. I'm tired. More to come later this week, and I'll be keeping up with my tweets daily, because I KNOW you want to hear my random thoughts throughout the day. Have a happy Monday, y'all.

Death.

Disclaimer: If you couldn't tell by my title, this will be a downer post. I need to write this for my personal records...so should you feel like not reading it...I understand. I myself like to stay away from things that I can't control, that stress and worry me, or that are just negatively definite--no matter what I do. So I won't be offended should you choose not to read, or comment. Because as I said before, this is for me. There's something about my blog that I love...something about putting my thoughts out there...writing them down and being unapologetic about them. Or sometimes I am apologetic...but I say what I need to. I try to explain myself, even if it comes out harsh and whiny. This is therapy for me. And because I really don't know if I can put full trust in any "professional therapist", because they are actual people and have problems that they can't figure out just like every other human being, I'll go with typing all this out, and try to distinguish how I'm feeling about everything...and what kind of dealing will work best for me.

Anyway, I thought it best to put that out there. Because there are times when I read stuff and realize halfway through that it's "too deep" for me right then. That thinking back on that pain or hardship will do nothing but make me ache. And I have too many people depending on me. That sounds terrible even to my ears, but I have to be honest. One day, maybe I'll grow up and be able to take it like a man...whatever that means.

So dying...death. I guess I'm kind of privy to various types of emotional deaths...like: The death of a friendship or the death of love. Both sound kind of severe and cheesy, but the heartache is real. Like most people, I've experienced both and cried and thought I would die because of the pain in my heart. I've mourned both, as well. Sometimes I look back on those times fondly, and sometimes things are still too painful to really delve into.

Then there's the death of a marriage. And though I haven't experienced this on the marriage end, I was part of this by proxy--because the married people were my parents. That was hard, too. Though it worked out better for them, going through it was Hell...and eye-opening in a very negative way. I'd seen them fight and be mean to each other, but I'd never seen them be petty and spiteful. And suddenly I realized how childish parents can be. I wasn't the only one that was hurt in the process; like each experience, it was terrible for everyone involved.

I've also experienced the death of a pet--and though I've made it quite clear that I'm not an animal lover, I've shed a lot of tears for little pets I've had growing up, and I am one that gets attached quickly to anything that depends on me, and will show me love. I grew up with a lot of different animals...and hurt every time they did.

Then there's the more serious types of death. Serious to me, anyway. A death of a friend, or someone that is more than a friend to you. Where one moment they are there and everything is great, and the next you find yourself breathing quickly, and silently praying that this is just a stressful nightmare and you'll wake up soon. Or it's just a tasteless joke, and you plead that whoever delivered the bad news would realize that they'd gone too far, and take it all back. I've had the displeasure of these events in my life, as well. I've cried so much that I sounded like a wounded animal...where sounds were no longer human, and words were lost to me. And I've also felt so numb and empty that I couldn't find any sounds. And I just wanted to slip into the oblivion that is sleep; where reality bends to anything you'd like it to be. And death isn't an option because by some miracle, everything works out, and whatever caused the death was somehow avoided because I had circumvented it at the last second.
Unfortunately, this doesn't make me unique. Most people have felt these same feelings and can say that they've lost just as many important people that I have. I know this. It's inevitable. But to each of us, our individual pain is often so great that it surpasses our ability to think cognitively. And we lose ourselves in our own sorrow. For the record, I tried to think of ways to write all these thoughts down that didn't sound completely tragic and comparable to bad high school poetry. But I think that this is still a part of me that reverts back to that person that becomes more cynical with each experienced death. That person that is still surprised that it happens the way it does, and when it does. Logically I know that it happens to all of us, but there are times when the how and why just don't make any sense.

My father is dying. I've known since mid-December...a little after my birthday, and Sydney's birth. He didn't want me to know, because I'd just had my baby, and it was a happy/relieved time for me. But it's something that you really can't hide from people--it's something that you shouldn't.
Because of his request to not let anyone know, I've kept it quiet. My kids don't know...and I honestly don't want them to. This is something that I am trying to be diplomatic about, as it is a fact of life, and they will obviously find out. But for now, I don't believe that kind of stress and worry should rest on a child's shoulders. There is so much negative out there that they will eventually experience, and though some may think this is cheating them in some way, I highly disagree. My kids, my decision. Also my father's decision. He'd prefer they remember him as the Grandpa Steele that loves them. Not the Grandpa Steele that's wasting away. And he is. And it kills me. Watching someone you love continually getting worse and knowing that there's nothing you can do-nothing anyone can do-blows. There's really not an eloquent way to explain it; not that I've thought of, anyway. I'm hurting and feel like there's no one to talk to. And there are people I can talk to, I know this. But no one that has experienced it the way I'm currently experiencing it. So it's too much to explain exactly where I stand, and why. I can't find the words. Obviously.

I've been sad for a while now. I worry every time my phone rings. I just got a call that my dad is in the Emergency Room, and this has become the norm. I was told he'd have 12 to 14 months left, and it's been less than five. I feel cheated and sick, and I worry about my stepmom because she's losing her husband and she's living my worst nightmare. I can't sleep, and I can't think.
Phew. Okay. Too much, too soon. I'm trying to keep it together. And I'm trying to be strong. So that's where I am. I'm kind of checking out of things that normally would be important to me....that are important to others. And I think it's more fair that I explain why. I've had a few people ask me why I'm not visiting as often or why I seem even more detached or why I'm not as excited about certain things that I normally would be. I'm sorry, but I'm not there right now. I'm not really capable of it. And instead of pulling aside everyone that doesn't know, I'm just putting it all out there. All at once.

I hope that clears the air. I hope that things I've said will be taken as they are, and with the knowledge that these are my feelings. And they'll be respected.