Overwhelmed by the nuttiness.

Yeah, this is one of those posts in which I'm just not doing so well.  I don't know why.  I'm trying to be consistent about my exercise, and trying to keep myself busy, but in the end, I'm just kinda...sad.  Poor me, I know.  But honestly?  I hate feeling this way.  I hate not being appreciative of how easy I have it.  I consciously know that there are people having way worse life experiences, and yet they keep on keeping on...
Sometimes I honestly feel like I would be okay sleeping for the rest of my life.  I hate admitting that, because I'm aware of how terrible it sounds.  It makes me a rotten wife, a terrible mother, and a downright pathetic human.   I'm treading water.  I know I'll come out of it, but sooner would be better than later.  
So I'm just being even more withdrawn than usual.  Waiting until I stop sucking the fun out of the room, and whatnot.  This would totally happen at the time my mother-in-law is in a rehabilitation center for her recent knee surgery.  Tonight I looked at her and honestly tried to WILL myself out of my funk.  Here she is, in physical pain, trying to recuperate and worrying about her responsibilities that are going untended to.  That's a lot of justifiable stuff to be bummed about.  Not that she is, she's just, "getting it over with".  
And then there's me.  I'm being whiny and sad about nothing I can see, smell, taste, or feel.  Just, because. Nice, right?  How lame is that?
Anyway, I'm telling myself I need to try harder.  I will continue to take my meds, and remind myself why I'm lucky to be who and where I am.  Try to shake myself out of it. Hopefully things will start looking less dismal.  I'm just asking, does anyone have any tips?  Any, "stop feeling sorry for myself", tips?  Other than the usual, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself"?  I'm open to suggestions.  Thanks all.

Where is my mind?

Hey all.  

(You like Sydney's Hitler mustache?  She took an honest nose-dive off my bed the other day.  This is what I get for threatening to punch her in the nose in front of other people.  I'm waiting for someone to come and take my children away from me).
You know it's my favorite time of year.  My FAV.O.RITE.  But it's been a little off for me, unfortunately.  I've been crazy busy.  So busy I've seriously flaked on so many things...and it makes me feel pretty rotten...and kinda scares me that I'm losing my mind.  As in, honestly losing stuff that I've previously had no problems remembering.  Like, for years.  And now, I wake up and remember something randomly, that took place LAST WEEK.  I even have it on my calendar.  Is it brain damage?  That's all I can come up with. I honestly have no excuses.  I just hope that those of you that have been on the receiving end of it will forgive me, eventually.  
Unfortunately, being forgetful hasn't been the only symptom I've been having.  I've also been flat-out obnoxious.  At Syd's class last week, I couldn't stand myself.  Things kept coming out of my mouth--things NO ONE wanted to hear, things that I had no right saying, and things that were just full of self-superiority that I honestly don't have.  But for some reason, I thought I did that day.  And even as I was talking my inner me was screaming to "Shut Up!"  But I just kept saying things that were digging me deeper in this hole of crap I couldn't seem to get out of.  And then?  And then I went home and stressed about it all day.  And stayed awake hating myself all night.  And was tired and grouchy the entire week.  
I don't know.  I just hope it goes away.  I'm thinking that maybe it was residual stress/sadness/anxiety of Dad's death.  Maybe?  And on that note, I really thought that I was getting over being down on Dad's day of passing.  But Friday was...really hard.  In fact, I had that same pressing sickness in my chest, that being on the verge of tears, that helplessness, that no one could fix that happened two years ago.  Muff and I have kind of made a standing appointment to go out that day.  And we did on Friday, and I believe it helped.  Somehow just being with her made me happier, made me feel understood and that I didn't have to explain why I've been "off."  Made me feel like it was okay...helped me remember what it was like when he was here, when we were young, and when things were good.  Cause there were good times.  Times that I felt loved.  I know that Lora and Jess would have loved to have been with us.  Maybe Jayson and Shelly, as well.  But life takes us different places, and that's how it goes.  They were missed though.  And thought about.  
I came home and felt more peaceful.  And tired.  Like I could have slept for two weeks.  
Anyway, I hope that now I can get to appreciating this time of year.  Because I honestly love it.  And it really does make me happy.  So I'm going to focus on that.  I'm going to be better for Jeff, for the kids, and for me.  And for those of you that I've slighted, I'm truly sorry.  I'm trying to get it together. 
Hopefully everyone's week will be a good one.  Fingers crossed.

You Can't Bull Sh*t a Bull Shi**er.

Words of wisdom brought to you by my father, Monty Steele.  It's that time again.  The time of year when I can look back and say that these upcoming two weeks, two years ago, were the most difficult span of time I have ever encountered.  They were really long and really short at the same time.  I watched my dad's vitality and will and mind be sucked away from him...and though I miss him, I don't think about that part too often, thankfully.  But just this being September, and waking up to take the kids to school, I smell it in the air, and I feel it when it cools off in the evening.  I'm taken back to that time.  And it's bittersweet.
I have to admit that my father has left me with some pearls of wisdom that I use daily.  The title of this post, for one.  I remember the first time he said that to me.  I was a teen, and I was trying to get out of trouble without lying, and without telling the whole truth--you know, softening the edges and whatnot.  But he saw through it.  And that's what he said to me.  I also remember how I rolled my eyes, and thought to myself that surely there was a better way to let me know he saw beyond my story.  And did he really have to "back woods it up" like that? I mean, really.  
He had a lot of those embarrassing sayings.  Stuff that may not have made any sense, or maybe too much...but it's all in my brain, and it's the first thing I think of when the situation seems somewhat familiar.  I feel bad that I never realized how much those things that I used to despise would mean to me, when he was gone.  How despite all my book learnin' and whatnot, (which, in being honest, there wasn't much),  the words of my dad are still the ones that come to mind, first. 

Anyway, the title of this post is basically targeted at Sydney.  Like they all seem to be, lately.  As you are all now aware, Syd has been attending her "special classes" weekly.  There are about six other little kids in there, with her.  They range from lower functioning autism to high functioning aspergers, and then there are those that haven't been diagnosed, like Sydney.  I've told you my reasoning for that.  My sister in law, Shauna, has told me for a long time that she is quite sure Jeff has aspergers, and I trust her judgement, because Jeff has always been different, and it's been an ordeal to figure him out.  (And I'm bat-crap crazy, so he has his hands full, too).  Shauna has done a lot of research on this, and with her son, Andy, having autism, she's made herself very educated on the topic.  I've honestly tried to do the same with Syd.  She's made leaps and bounds, but there are still some social aspects that sometimes worry me.  Honestly, what parent doesn't worry? 
So I've tried to have more patience with her.  I've tried to be lenient, and understanding.  Syd won't pick up her toys because "she doesn't understand what I'm asking".  Syd doesn't try her dinner because she's "special" and the texture is too weird for her.  Syd doesn't follow most of my orders because "they are too complicated and I need to make them more understandable".  
The thing is, before all these classes, I was a lot harder on her.  And I know that I was expecting too much.  But then I went fully the other way.  Like, "Be free, Syd!  Do whatever you want and let your "specialness" light your way. 
So she began taking advantage.  I kept telling myself, that I needed more patience, and to let her learn at her own pace and blah, blah, blah.  But really, I was a complete sucker.  And she totally played me.  

The other day she was a nightmare.  Honestly.  A beautiful nightmare that I wanted to put in the garage and accidentally forget about.  Hey, I would have given her some apple juice and put a fan in there, too.  I'm not a monster.  
I was done with her.  It was dinner time, and I made sausage tortellini...and she usually loves it.  As long as you call it chicken.  Anyway, she fought me tooth and nail, and didn't want to eat it--she goes back to being this basic feral kid when she doesn't want to do something.  Jeff was with me, and after some loud clashing of wills, I asked him to take her to her room.  She knew Jeff was going to make a shake, so that really put her out, as she was ready to guzzle her part of it.  I'm pretty sure that's why she didn't want to eat.  
This was the first time we'd done this with Sydney.  Normally, she knows that she will get what she wants, or not get what she doesn't want, or be left to her own devices.  But with Riley and Cole, I remember doing this quite often.  The struggle to get them to eat something not gummy or chocolate.  The fights over bedtime.  Syd had never had to deal with that, because she's "special".  Anyway, that's what she made me think.  After we showed her we were seriously not going to give her any shake if she didn't eat, she was shoveling those babies down.  And she was sweet and loving, and letting us know what a "good girl" she was, while giving Jeff, me, Riley, and Cole high fives and bones after each bite.  Every now and then she'd throw in an "Oh yeah!" and an "I so awesome!"   

And this weekend we've put her into her toddler bed...something that I feared would be the end of a sound sleep.  But after one night, she will get into bed, play for a bit, and then drift off.  Not coming out at all.  She gets it.  She totally got it before, and I didn't give her the chance to show me or any discipline because I had really convinced myself that some things were WAY too advanced.  She has BSed me all this time.  I thought I was the smart one...but she's had me figured out for months.  I'm learning.  She's growing, and she's smart.  And though I thought she was way behind socially, Sydney knows how to play people.  If she's interested, she'll let you know.  If you have something that she wants, she'll find a way to get it.  Sometimes it turns out that the thing you keep wanting more than anything, continually praying for, is right in front of you.  And it's not until you're willing to really go with your gut, that you see those miracles are happening.  I've come back to my early opinion of my youngest daughter.  She's a big time brat.  Who knew I'd be so grateful for that? 
When my dad was dying, the day that he lost all mental recognition, was awful.  He was scared, and angry, and couldn't communicate, and he was lost.  I still get emotional thinking about it, because I honestly can't imagine anything worse happening to someone.  But I called Jeff, and asked him to bring Syd to say goodbye.  It went against rational thought, but I strongly felt she needed to come over.  Jeff brought her, and I took her over to my dad as he lay in the Hospice bed in the center of the living room.  As soon as Dad saw her, he was cognizant, he said, "Hey, hey little girl!".  Those were the first audible words he'd said that day.  I'd been there since 8:00 am, and it was about 2:00 pm at that time.  He was with us for about twenty minutes, cooing and talking to Syd, fully knowing who she was, and able to say goodbye.  There's something about her.  Something great.  And any parent will tell you the same about each one of their children.  There's a light that is theirs, personally, that makes you a better person.  That after you see and feel it, you can't imagine being without.  Regardless of how many scares they give you, or how hard you've got to work to get them where they need to be, somehow they let you know it's all worth it.  That not an ounce of the love and sacrifice you give for each and every one of them, is wasted.  

 Even if they know that they can play you like a cheap violin, every. single. time.  
A happy week to all of you.  

Back to School

 As of now, it's 7:15 am.  WHAT?!  For a girl and a family that pretty much didn't open blinds to see the sun until afternoon--literally--all summer, this borders on the point of ridiculous.  And I'm equal parts sad and excited for my kiddos.  I probably slept the equivalent of Riley and Cole last night--approximately 3 1/2 hours, and unlike them, I'm not excited about the "possibility" of the day.  I am fretting about getting Syd ready, and getting to school in time to find a place to park, AND take plenty of pictures for Jeff.  (As, he was called into the office today, of all days).
So I will try to finish this post, complete with pictures of Riley and Cole in their first day clothes that they picked out and put so much thought into, and hopefully capture the mood of the occasion.  (Cole even had white gunk on his face last night, and when asked what it was, he replied:  "pimple cream".  So I know both are a little more stressed than they let on).  Anyway, wish us luck....it's going to be interesting.

K.  It's done.  Riley and Cole are gone; have been, for about three hours.  And it's been a LONG three hours.  Sydney has missed them, too.  She's been extra clingy.  And has totally taken over my phone, which is kind of annoying to me, as I'm trying to go through a years worth of pictures. Ah...the things I get to do while the kids are away.  
Honestly? It was hard to let them go.  Harder this year because I felt the, "It isn't cool for Mom to take us to school, anymore," vibe.  They were kind to me--allowed me to take the allotted pictures, and then they were done.  No hugs, no "I love you's".  That's embarrassing stuff these days.  Sorta breaks my heart in a million ways.  Cole was done with me as soon as a friend showed up, and then at Riley's door, I could tell she didn't want me to go in.  She told me she'd "see me later", and I turned around with Syd in hand, and walked back down the ramp.  See?  I'm fully justified in feeling sorry for myself.  But, I did notice a lot of younger kids showing up just with friends.  So I guess I'll be happy with what they gave me.  

And in all in all, they gave me a lot...because today my WYOMING was really showing.  We drove up with this:  

and this:  

Between the mirror and the spare tire, I'm sure we were the epitome of third and sixth grade coolness.  And I may have reluctantly remembered my childhood, promising myself that I'd NEVER subject my fortunate children to the social suicide of being packed around and then dropped off in a fake-wood paneled station wagon.  Sorry children...I had higher hopes for you.  I honestly did.  
Anyway, the school year is here.  Whether I like it or not.  And the kids both said they had an EXCELLENT first day.  So despite the fact that I will and I always do, I have nothing to complain about.  
Also?  A friend brought me lunch and we just ate and talked the entire afternoon.  It was magical, and just what I needed.  I'm in a better place than I was at 7:15 am.  And I got a nap in between then and now.  Maybe I'll make it?  We shall see.

Big Day.

Today, well, later today, one of my best friends ever is getting married.  I've been thinking a lot about her.  She'll be beautiful, and her ceremony will be lovely, and her friends will all laugh and enjoy their time in the paradise she's called home for the last...what?  Six years? Seven years?  Heavens...it hasn't been six or seven, has it? St. John, Virgin Islands:

I totally would have been there, had finances allowed for it.  But I'm still in the vicinity of the $29-a-night-hotel in Vegas.  St. Johns was no where to be found in my budget.  Please don't take that in any way as me not thinking it was important enough, or what have you.  I've had a sadness all week, and I really believe most of it is knowing I'm missing out.  In a lot of ways.  

See? I used these pictures from her blog.  Hopefully she'll forgive me.  I know that this picture is almost four years old, I think...I didn't ask, and yet despite this invasion of her privacy, I'm hoping she will take pity on me and let me vicariously see her wedding through all her pics of happy faces and maybe tipsy friends? ;)  I'm wishing her the best, and I know it will be a classy time.  Because if there's anything that Moriah has always been, it's classy.  With some hilarity on the side.  Much Love your way, Moriah!  Wishing you the best big day, ever.  And then a bazillion more, with your sweetie.  
Last night I had a lot more to this post.  But it was all sad-sack stuff.  So I'll save it for a sad-sack occasion, which is totally not this one.  I wish my friend and her husband love and joy and fat babies.  And above all:  Happiness.  There are always ups and downs.  But happiness stays if you work on it.  And that's my marital advice.  So get working on the fat babies.  

The End of July

What up, all.  
We are now in the last days of July.  Next week I have to register Riley and Cole for school.  FOR SCHOOL.  For their entire next YEAR.  Does anyone know where this last three months have gone?  I'm missing them.  I was asked to today, "what have you done this entire summer?"  And I started, and finished with, "We went to Las Vegas in June..." And then what?  Nothing, really.  I mean, we have managed to cut some trees down, and keep the lawns mowed, and get Syd to most of her classes, and then...not much else.  But, I have to say, we've enjoyed our while of massive laziness.  I surely have.  I mean, other than the despising myself for being so lazy that happens, undoubtedly a week out of each month, I've really enjoyed it.  
And I want to thank the solidarity from those of you that commented on the occasional banality of motherhood.  It's reassuring to me that sometimes I'm normal.  But I think normality is just so foreign to me that it feels like I'm nuts.  I don't know.  I'm working through it.  

Riley got her braces off last week.  Tomorrow we go in to get her retainers.  And then begins her life as a braces-free preteen.  I'm excited about her starting school without them.  She looks so much older to me...

See?  She'll be starting sixth grade.  I can't even believe I have a kid this old...I don't feel this old. The other day I was telling Jeff about how I find myself wondering how I ended up here, about how I got so old so...quickly.  I told him that most of the time I feel like Riley and I could be sisters, instead of Mom and Daughter.  He laughed in my face.  Totally not one to blow smoke up anyone's behind, he let me know how much I could NOT pass for Riley's sister.  But that's okay.  Because I have a tendency to see myself perpetually 25.  Yeah, yeah.  Be nice to me, I have had way too much personal revelation, lately. 
But about Riley--she's happy.  She likes the way she looks and this isn't surprising to me, as I believe she's beautiful.  But I'm so grateful that she's happy with who she is.  I can remember myself in sixth grade, and it was really hard.  I didn't think a lot of myself.  But she does.  And to me, that's most important...and I pray that she continues to feel that way.  I'm proud of who she is.  And I hope that I can be who she needs me to be, for her. She and I have been able to have all these long conversations.  We sit down, do our nails, and have shared opinions about different things.  And speaking of doing nails, I'm pretty proud of myself.  I mean, can you believe it?  So. Fun.   

  

I'm still not able to run a 5K.  But I'm at two and a half miles.  So things are looking up.  I'm feeling better about myself, and getting back to actually starting to enjoy it.  Which is surprising me, immensely.  That very well may change in the next couple of days, because sometimes I look forward to jogging, and then other times I don't.  But I'll do it when I'm feeling it, and not push myself when I don't.  Is that a system, or what? Enough about me...I just had to share that. 

Okay, I should probably get to bed now.  It's 3:00 am, and I can't really be held responsible for the things I say and think during this time frame. They're usually demented, and scary...so it's best for everyone that I shut it and get some shut eye.  But I'll try to get better about posting now that summer is almost over.  Cause that's how I roll.  

Before I go, I need to post a couple pictures, just so I'm allowed to put them on Pinterest.  If you're on it, and you see me, add me.  I'm having so much fun looking at pictures of stuff I will never ever get to have/or could never ever have had the talent to do myself.  It sounds somewhat depressing, but I'm totally addicted.

Syd Stuff.

Okay, not only Syd stuff, but partially.  As far as Syd goes, I guess it's come down to this:  I used to worry about her most of the time.  Occasionally there would be situations where I'd feel relieved and see something where I'd know that things were going to be okay.  Maybe not ALL okay, but not all wrong, either.  The entire Syd situation has turned around.  Now occasionally I'll see something that makes me feel like she needs her Kids Who Count classes twice a week.  But mostly, she's caught up.  Well, maybe not around everyone...she still thinks it's her call whether or not to engage when others are around, but here, with us, she's found her place.  And it kind of trumps all of ours.  But it's okay.  

I knew I'd be relieved if she started catching up, but I didn't realize how happy I would be, and how happy it would make her, as well.  It just seems like we connect so much easier, and she's not as frustrated as she always seemed to be.  Yes, she's still bratty.  But she communicates so well, and she isn't so completely angry about her inability to make me understand her; leaving her in a sobbing heap.  Or me in tears because I was just not getting it.  No matter what she did.  
And for a while we experienced that in-between phase where she would talk, but no one could understand anything she said unless they lived with her, and had heard it before.  Now she is thanking strangers, saying goodbye and hello, making eye contact, showing interest in playing with me and Jeff and Riley and Cole, saying the kids names, saying her name...things that she should have been doing a long time ago, but in these past two months, her progress has been amazing.  In fact, I was told two weeks ago that by the time she goes into kindergarten, there will be no sign of her being behind.  

I'm very grateful.  Things have been happening in my life that haven't been overly great.  (Kind of makes me avoid blogging and such). But this isn't one of them. This is my silver lining.  I guess sometimes you just need a win, you know?  And we are so taking it.  
In other news, I'm kind of sad that summer is halfway over.  Normally I dislike summer, as I've said a bazillion times.  But this year has been different.  I think it's the new house--our backyard has trees and shade, and green grass.  And not one drunken whore yelling into her phone and blowing smoke into our windows. (Well, that I know of).  
So the kids can go outside and jump and swing, and use sidewalk chalk, and do things that I really, really wanted them to be able to do, but basically couldn't because it was way too hot and dusty in Springville.  And nothing against Springville, because I liked it there...just not my neighbors or our backyard.  Plus I've heard from so many people that "there hasn't been any summer!", so, maybe that's another reason I'm enjoying it.  
I will say this:  I've been a lazy, terrible mother.  Not that this is news to most of you, sometimes I am just more than a little disgusted with my daily schedule.  My question is...does everyone have this same experience?  Mothers, I mean?  I do the same things every day.  EVERY DAY.  Sometimes twice or three times.  And after a while, I think that I would be so much more productive if I worked--outside the home, I mean.  That maybe there would be some sort of evidence that I do something now and then.  This is me being a sad sack, but I do have these feelings. 
Anyway, I'm trying to take matters into my own hands.  I've started jogging again, so that's actually been good.  You can never tell physically, but I do notice that there aren't as many nonsensical thoughts pinging around in my brain.  I guess not as many that scare me, anyway.  I do have to say that I started up after our vacation.  I was blissfully lazy for the better part of a year.  And then I saw pictures of my friend that recently had a baby, and then had picked up running again.  She was tiny, and I was engorged on donuts from Krispy Kreme runs each night while staying in Circus Circus.  So I thought about it, and told myself that I needed to make some changes.  And I did...and I almost died.  In fact, in working up to two miles I'd come home reeking of B.O. and having little flies embedded in the sweat that covered my face.  So thanks for that, Leah.
It's better, now.  I can't run a 5K just yet, but maybe in a month or so?  I don't know.  I guess as long as I'm doing something.  Anyway, I'll post again, soon.  It's late, and I need to figure out this Pinterest thing on my phone.  Yet another way to waste time, but I want to find ways to showcase Jeff's artwork in a different light...so maybe this will be it.  Later gators.