The End of July

What up, all.  
We are now in the last days of July.  Next week I have to register Riley and Cole for school.  FOR SCHOOL.  For their entire next YEAR.  Does anyone know where this last three months have gone?  I'm missing them.  I was asked to today, "what have you done this entire summer?"  And I started, and finished with, "We went to Las Vegas in June..." And then what?  Nothing, really.  I mean, we have managed to cut some trees down, and keep the lawns mowed, and get Syd to most of her classes, and then...not much else.  But, I have to say, we've enjoyed our while of massive laziness.  I surely have.  I mean, other than the despising myself for being so lazy that happens, undoubtedly a week out of each month, I've really enjoyed it.  
And I want to thank the solidarity from those of you that commented on the occasional banality of motherhood.  It's reassuring to me that sometimes I'm normal.  But I think normality is just so foreign to me that it feels like I'm nuts.  I don't know.  I'm working through it.  

Riley got her braces off last week.  Tomorrow we go in to get her retainers.  And then begins her life as a braces-free preteen.  I'm excited about her starting school without them.  She looks so much older to me...

See?  She'll be starting sixth grade.  I can't even believe I have a kid this old...I don't feel this old. The other day I was telling Jeff about how I find myself wondering how I ended up here, about how I got so old so...quickly.  I told him that most of the time I feel like Riley and I could be sisters, instead of Mom and Daughter.  He laughed in my face.  Totally not one to blow smoke up anyone's behind, he let me know how much I could NOT pass for Riley's sister.  But that's okay.  Because I have a tendency to see myself perpetually 25.  Yeah, yeah.  Be nice to me, I have had way too much personal revelation, lately. 
But about Riley--she's happy.  She likes the way she looks and this isn't surprising to me, as I believe she's beautiful.  But I'm so grateful that she's happy with who she is.  I can remember myself in sixth grade, and it was really hard.  I didn't think a lot of myself.  But she does.  And to me, that's most important...and I pray that she continues to feel that way.  I'm proud of who she is.  And I hope that I can be who she needs me to be, for her. She and I have been able to have all these long conversations.  We sit down, do our nails, and have shared opinions about different things.  And speaking of doing nails, I'm pretty proud of myself.  I mean, can you believe it?  So. Fun.   

  

I'm still not able to run a 5K.  But I'm at two and a half miles.  So things are looking up.  I'm feeling better about myself, and getting back to actually starting to enjoy it.  Which is surprising me, immensely.  That very well may change in the next couple of days, because sometimes I look forward to jogging, and then other times I don't.  But I'll do it when I'm feeling it, and not push myself when I don't.  Is that a system, or what? Enough about me...I just had to share that. 

Okay, I should probably get to bed now.  It's 3:00 am, and I can't really be held responsible for the things I say and think during this time frame. They're usually demented, and scary...so it's best for everyone that I shut it and get some shut eye.  But I'll try to get better about posting now that summer is almost over.  Cause that's how I roll.  

Before I go, I need to post a couple pictures, just so I'm allowed to put them on Pinterest.  If you're on it, and you see me, add me.  I'm having so much fun looking at pictures of stuff I will never ever get to have/or could never ever have had the talent to do myself.  It sounds somewhat depressing, but I'm totally addicted.

Syd Stuff.

Okay, not only Syd stuff, but partially.  As far as Syd goes, I guess it's come down to this:  I used to worry about her most of the time.  Occasionally there would be situations where I'd feel relieved and see something where I'd know that things were going to be okay.  Maybe not ALL okay, but not all wrong, either.  The entire Syd situation has turned around.  Now occasionally I'll see something that makes me feel like she needs her Kids Who Count classes twice a week.  But mostly, she's caught up.  Well, maybe not around everyone...she still thinks it's her call whether or not to engage when others are around, but here, with us, she's found her place.  And it kind of trumps all of ours.  But it's okay.  

I knew I'd be relieved if she started catching up, but I didn't realize how happy I would be, and how happy it would make her, as well.  It just seems like we connect so much easier, and she's not as frustrated as she always seemed to be.  Yes, she's still bratty.  But she communicates so well, and she isn't so completely angry about her inability to make me understand her; leaving her in a sobbing heap.  Or me in tears because I was just not getting it.  No matter what she did.  
And for a while we experienced that in-between phase where she would talk, but no one could understand anything she said unless they lived with her, and had heard it before.  Now she is thanking strangers, saying goodbye and hello, making eye contact, showing interest in playing with me and Jeff and Riley and Cole, saying the kids names, saying her name...things that she should have been doing a long time ago, but in these past two months, her progress has been amazing.  In fact, I was told two weeks ago that by the time she goes into kindergarten, there will be no sign of her being behind.  

I'm very grateful.  Things have been happening in my life that haven't been overly great.  (Kind of makes me avoid blogging and such). But this isn't one of them. This is my silver lining.  I guess sometimes you just need a win, you know?  And we are so taking it.  
In other news, I'm kind of sad that summer is halfway over.  Normally I dislike summer, as I've said a bazillion times.  But this year has been different.  I think it's the new house--our backyard has trees and shade, and green grass.  And not one drunken whore yelling into her phone and blowing smoke into our windows. (Well, that I know of).  
So the kids can go outside and jump and swing, and use sidewalk chalk, and do things that I really, really wanted them to be able to do, but basically couldn't because it was way too hot and dusty in Springville.  And nothing against Springville, because I liked it there...just not my neighbors or our backyard.  Plus I've heard from so many people that "there hasn't been any summer!", so, maybe that's another reason I'm enjoying it.  
I will say this:  I've been a lazy, terrible mother.  Not that this is news to most of you, sometimes I am just more than a little disgusted with my daily schedule.  My question is...does everyone have this same experience?  Mothers, I mean?  I do the same things every day.  EVERY DAY.  Sometimes twice or three times.  And after a while, I think that I would be so much more productive if I worked--outside the home, I mean.  That maybe there would be some sort of evidence that I do something now and then.  This is me being a sad sack, but I do have these feelings. 
Anyway, I'm trying to take matters into my own hands.  I've started jogging again, so that's actually been good.  You can never tell physically, but I do notice that there aren't as many nonsensical thoughts pinging around in my brain.  I guess not as many that scare me, anyway.  I do have to say that I started up after our vacation.  I was blissfully lazy for the better part of a year.  And then I saw pictures of my friend that recently had a baby, and then had picked up running again.  She was tiny, and I was engorged on donuts from Krispy Kreme runs each night while staying in Circus Circus.  So I thought about it, and told myself that I needed to make some changes.  And I did...and I almost died.  In fact, in working up to two miles I'd come home reeking of B.O. and having little flies embedded in the sweat that covered my face.  So thanks for that, Leah.
It's better, now.  I can't run a 5K just yet, but maybe in a month or so?  I don't know.  I guess as long as I'm doing something.  Anyway, I'll post again, soon.  It's late, and I need to figure out this Pinterest thing on my phone.  Yet another way to waste time, but I want to find ways to showcase Jeff's artwork in a different light...so maybe this will be it.  Later gators.

Summing up summer. Thus far.

Did you miss me?  
Jeff has been asking me when I was going to post on this blog again.  But there's been a lot going on, in fact, too much.  Too much that it's a little daunting to think about how to post about everything WITHOUT going beyond twenty paragraphs.  
Maybe it will go beyond twenty.  Suck it up, babies.  You've got an entire workweek to get through.  So let the good times, or the reminiscing of the good times, roll....

The first weekend of June, Cole got baptized.  It went well.  Jeff did a great job, and Cole felt special, and we ate Einstein bagels and cold cuts.  You know--celebration foods of the highest quality.  I wanted to thank Sharon and Rene for getting our banquet ready for us, while we were at the church.  I don't think I thanked them on the big day...I have a tendency to stress in those situations...and I was overly worried that my house was stinky.  It's an ongoing fear I have. Oh, and the middle and bottom pictures were from my sister in law, Gabby.  She did fantastic. 

Mid June we went on our family vacation, to Las Vegas. Now, before you're a bit grossed out at our lack of diversity and such when it comes to getting out of Utah, remember:  We are new at the whole entire vacation thing.  And we're not overly poor anymore, but unfortunately, we aren't overly abundant in moola, either.  So we did the Las Vegas family vacation for the second time.  This trip we stayed at Circus Circus.  And I was kind of worried that it would be really trashy and dirty and so on and so forth.  But, it was actually perfect for us.  We fit right in.  Along with all the Germans and Swedes and guys in banana hammocks at the pool..(possibly both were the same?), it made for interesting days.  Honestly though, the kids and Jeff and I had a lot of fun.  We spent an entire day at the Adventure Dome, and we all felt as if we'd puke at least once.  Even Syd.

Puke feeling aside, it was a fun day.  Cole wasn't too disappointed when it was over.  But it was nice to be in a place where our room was.  We went and put Syd to sleep in our room, and Riley and Cole turned on iCarly.  (And watched the same episodes they'd seen at least four times since we got there).  We still had an hour before the amusement park closed down, so Jeff and I decided to go on a couple rides by ourselves.  I think that was the first time since before Riley.  And it was awesome.  

Five bucks later, and we had the above picture--cause we had to commemorate the event.  Obviously.  But luckily it wasn't cheesy at all, just romantic and super-rad.

I was excited for the day when we'd get out of the casino, and take in sights on the strip.  We got up and got dressed and went and parked in parking for Caesar's Palace.  We saw the fountain, and took the kids to see the fish in their ginormous tank.  I thought it was fun, but the kids were missing iCarly, and Jeff was tired.  And then I did the unthinkable...I suggested we go see MORE sights, and go to other casinos.  I was thinking the Bellagio, and MGM Grand, and more...but we got to the next casino over, crossed the boardwalk, and everyone started whining about how hot it was.  And how they wanted to go back to our room.  Jeff included.  I was pretty disappointed in them. I also had to twist arms to get this picture, and I tried to sweeten the deal by telling them that everyone will see how much fun we had if I could only get some pictures of stuff.  And then Jeff told me that the only people that take pictures on vacation are the people that are bored enough to take pictures.  At that, I gave up, and we went back.  I went for a walk by MYSELF, cause I was so ticked with my boring spouse and offspring. When I got back, I was really surprised to see the family laying on the beds, and watching Nickelodeon.  We all went swimming for a while, and then we got some Kripsy Creme donuts.  I pretty much thought that day was a bust, but the next was enjoyed by all.     

We went and played the games and everyone was pretty great at winning stuff.  Except me.  I'm quite incapable when it comes to all that stuff.  Everyone wanted a monkey.  But I wanted one most.  And then Jeff won one for me.  And Syd took it.  And then Cole won one.  And he kept it, and Riley did the same.  Unfair, right?  I had to hold Syd while we took a time out to watch the African gymnasts.  And that blissful smile I'm wearing?  It was appreciation for their superb talent.  And SO many muscles.... 

So that's a lot of pictures, but it doesn't mean I was bored.  The kids had fun, Jeff didn't work AT ALL, and had fun, and I got a tan and had fun.  It was a relaxing week.  The only somewhat sad part for me was getting a dose of reality.  As we were walking in Caesar's Palace, I saw this guy...and I'm pretty sure he was the product of the descriptions of so many of the sleazy books I read.  However, in real life?  It doesn't work for me...built, leather, (it was 107 degrees out, so that was kinda overkill), long hair, pretty face....and all I could think was:  "Is he a stripper?"  The thought of all the time that man spent on his hair...well, it wasn't just as sexy as I thought it would be. (And fyi?  I was wearing cutoffs, dirty flip flops, and sweating like I'd been running a couple of miles...so I'm sure he was noticing me, as well.  But I'm a happily married woman, so that was the end of the story).

Anyway, we're still new at this vacation thing.  One of these days we will venture out of the Las Vegas area, and try to entertain ourselves in a different way.  But until then, we love it.  Not too far to drive, cheap, and a various amount of activities close to our living space.  Maybe one of these days we'll be more adventurous...until then, Sin City seems to be the place for us. 

Anyhoo, I'll post about the end of this month later.  It's late, Dudes.  I'm getting tired, and those of you that are working, I'm betting your lunch break is right around the corner.  You're welllllcome!  

Talking the Talk.

I need to show a video of Syd and her talking skills.  I feel like I can't just brag and then not give you any proof that there is something truly happening.  So here's some.  Proof, and talking, that is.  Please ignore my voice...I wish the speakers on my phone could be changed to the side of what I'm recording because, I'm sure as you'll hear, my commentary detracts from the actual picture.  I want to remind you that at the beginning of this month, she may have said one of the animal sounds, and that's it.  So she's come a really long way. 

And there it is.  This is what's made Jeff and I and Riley and Cole really happy, and brought us tons of enjoyment, lately.  It's little, but so much to all of us.  And as I type this, she's still yapping up a storm while she plays with all the little animals.  Much of it is jabber, but there are a few "OH NO!"s, and "Wow"s, and "YEAH"s, interspersed with animal sounds.  Music to my ears.  For reals. 

Good News.

Despite my face breaking out, my PMS insanity, and getting a cold sore, life is pretty sweet.  Syd has been on a talking rampage.  RAMPAGE!  Copying everything she hears, and it's starting to sound more and more like real words.  Even to people that are NOT in the immediate family.  I have to share, because you know...it's like, the biggest relief I've felt in so long.  Maybe since Cole?  I don't know.  My baby Syd is talking.  And making eye contact, and using tiny phrases.  Is she still behind?  Yes.  But, in this last week, the words she uses has tripled.  And the two mornings we've been to group I've been told by EVERYONE how impressed they are with Syd's improvement.  Not that that's the most important thing here, but it feels really, really good. :)

I know I've been a downer about a lot of things lately.  But I had to share something fantastic.  And FYI?  This is a picture of my Squish actually SAYING cheese.  Warms my heart.  Happy weekend, all!

Something so fragile.

I kind of have an excellent husband, don't I?  And excellent kids.  I'm really grateful for my little family of five.  I can honestly say these are my most important possessions:     

Do you all remember the movie, The Christmas Story, where the dad gets his prize delivered in a box, and it reads, "Fragile", in huge black letters on the side?  And as he reads it aloud, he's so overcome from the excitement of actually winning something, he reads it as:  "FRA-GEE-LAY".  Then wonders aloud if it's French.  His wife, the realist, informs him that he misread it, and it was simply, "Fragile".  (And then when he opens it, it was that almost dirty women's stocking-ed leg lamp that I thought was so completely wonderful, only a Lava lamp would compare to such a novelty).

Anyway, whenever I hear that word, or read it, I'm inclined to first pronounce it the white-trash French way, as well....just because it's a word that means something special to me.  If I consider something fragile, it's likened to a baby, or Cole's feelings, or artwork, or things I take great pride in...and very possibly, I've created my own definition.  But to me, it's an important word.  More than just "fragile".  It's FRA-GEE-LAY.  But only in my head.  Because yeah, I know how stupid it sounds.  Hope that made some sort of sense, cause it's the prologue of my story.  

I'm sure you remember all my rants and raves, and sobs and heartaches about Sydney.  Sometimes with her life is so great.  She's fun, and she behaves as a two and a half year old should--complete with good and bad times.  Sometimes it's like my heart is being ripped from my chest--I see that she's having a hard time processing and understanding, and I'm not giving her what she needs, and I don't know if there's a way she can get it--and if there is, what can I do for her?  Sometimes even when you've made the decision to seek out helpful resources, it's still such a huge ordeal to figure out what's right for your needs.  Or, right for Sydney's needs, I guess. 

 So lately I've been pretty quiet about everything on the Syd front.  I think this is because when people would ask, it was always more of the same.  She's been doing her thing, and just getting by.  Which is fine...it's just not that interesting.  And, if I would dwell on it, it would be kind of depressing, because I really hoped there would be a huge change.  Like Magic.  I'm aware of how dumb that sounds, but if I'm honest, I hope for a lot of dumb things.  And I won't apologize for them, if they're for my kiddos.  
I guess I could have Syd diagnosed.  What that exactly means, I haven't a clue.  All I know, is that I've avoided it.  I have been told she's "on the spectrum".  What that means, I'm not too sure, either.  But I know it's the Autism spectrum.  Now, how high or low or whatever she is, I've refused to find out just yet.  I know that Cole was evaluated on his 3rd birthday, because that's when Kids Who Count stops service.  (And, to my great relief, he was completely fine--he didn't pass for any extended help, and it was the best "non passing" news I've ever received). From three years up, there are quite a few other options available, and they'll help you choose the one that's supposedly right for your child and the needs they have. I'm not surprised she's on the spectrum, actually.  I believe I'm on the spectrum.  I'm pretty sure Jeff is, as well.  
When I take her to her group therapy, where we have play time, and group time, and a craft, and a snack, I talk to the other moms there that are in the same boat as me.  Some have had their children diagnosed, and some haven't.  Those of us that have chosen not to go through with the diagnosis just yet, are just kind of clinging to the hope that maybe it's NOT something that will be permanent, or long term.  Maybe our kids are just a little behind, and they'll get it when they're good and ready.  The other moms are in full swing with their counteractions to their child being diagnosed with Autism, Aspergers,  selective mute-ism, etc. And I applaud their courage.  Because I'm not there, just yet.  We are all scared that we are going to find out our worst fear.  We show up with smiles, and are honestly so excited for each other when we mention victories our babies have during the week.  But if asked, or if we just listen to each other, our fears are all the same.  Does our child have disabilities?  How will we deal with this possibility?  We love them so much, that isn't a question, but their three year old birthday is coming very quickly...and there are still so many more improvements to be made.  
See?  This is why I stay quiet.  Because it's just too much...too depressing?  Too scary. Way too fragile.
But I need to mention Syd's progress lately.  Regardless of how fragile this hope I have has become, she's grown by leaps and bounds.  She's saying phrases like; "Oh Man!", and copying sentences and words like crazy.  She has been saying, (with coaching), "I M booceeule.  (I am beautiful).  And she knows she's saying that she's beautiful.  Today she answered the question, "Do you want something to drink"?, with an audible, "yes".  Little, fragile things, but so important.  So taken for granted, usually, but so important.   I needed to mention this.  Because I've kept it really close to my heart for the last week, and I'm just getting brave enough to start to hope again that all will be well.  And I want to clarify that if I am to be told that Syd does have disabilities, and  that it will be a lifelong task for both her and myself, I will be content with it.  If that's what happens, then it happens, and my little Squid is still my Squid.  She has a special place in my heart that belongs only to her, and always will.  I hope I haven't made anyone think I won't allow it, or I won't adapt to learning and being what she needs me to be.   I think it's important to know the feelings and heartache, though, of the possibility of your child being different.  Of Being misunderstood, or being judged. I have to say that despite how it's torn me up, I'm thankful for this experience, because it's helped me to understand some things I was really ignorant about, before.  And if I've ever been dumb, (which happens regularly), and said something asinine or hurtful, (which is also how I roll), I apologize. I honestly apologize a million times over.  Because it's not easy.  Not any of it.  And because our love for our children is ferocious.  And fragile at the same time.  

Hope your week is filled with treasures.  Enjoy the little things.  And be so grateful. 

Happy Mothers Day 2011 [by Jeff]

This picture has already been posted but I absolutely love it!
She looks so freakin cute!

In honor of mothers day I interviewed Riley and Cole separately (and on one occasion Sydney chimed in with an answer) with a series of questions about their wonderful mom.

1. What's your favorite thing about your mom?
Riley: She cares about me.
Cole: How she's nice, she loves me, she's a very great person... she sometimes trusts me.

2. What's your favorite thing to do with mom?
Riley: Go shopping with her. Because we both LOVE to do that!
Cole: Going to the store and sitting in the car eating.

3. What is mom's best feature?
Riley: Her eyes, because they're soft.
Cole: Her eyes. I like it how her eyes sometimes change color.

4. How would you describe mom to someone who had never met her?
Riley: She has really long dark brown hair with orange highlights, she's skinny and has big blue eyes.
Cole: She has black hair and green eyes. She sometimes wears a purple shirt... I like that purple shirt. She likes Hot Tubs and she's really nice
Sydney: Doof. (that was her one word answer and the only description I'd need)

5. If you were trapped in a burning car and mom was the only one there what would she do?
Riley: She would maybe try to get firefighters... but that would take too long. Maybe she'd pry the doors open with a big metal bar or break the windows.
Cole: She would try to break me out of the car, maybe there would be some tools lying on the ground she could use to break me out.

6. If mom was being attacked by a bear how would you help her?
Riley: I would get something sharp and stab the bear right in the head so it would never attack anyone again!
Cole: I would run back to the house, get a shrink ray and a cage then I would shrink the bear, put it in the cage and keep it as a pet.

7. If mom were cloned how would you know which one was the real mom?
Riley: I'd ask them questions about mom to find out which one was really my mom... that's what they do in the movies, right?
Cole: On allowance day I'd ask "which one of you will take me to the store?" The real mom would say "me!"

8. If you found out mom was a robot, how would you react?
Riley: I'd be very sad, because I want a real mom.
Cole: I'd be really freaked out! I'd run out the door because she might have laser vision!

9. What is mom's favorite thing to do?
Riley: Shop!
Cole: She likes to go on vacation, she likes to sleep and she likes to watch movies with dad.

10. What is mom's least favorite thing to do?
Riley: Go bowling
Cole: She doesn't like to get hurt... Oh! This makes mom really mad! When another car slips in front of her without waiting and mom says "Seriously lady!". She hates that.

Now that I'm writing this I thought it would be nice if I answered my own questions, so here goes:

1. My favorite thing about Rainey is how fun and exciting she makes life, while at the same time respecting my need for routine. Not an easy thing to do, but she does it beautifully.

2. My favorite thing to do with Rainey is not appropriate for posting here. I'll leave it at that.

3. Rainey's best feature, I would have to agree, is her eyes. Among so many other great features (also probably not appropriate) her eyes have a light in them that can make you feel like the world is full of wonderful things and you want to be a part of it all.

4. I'd say "She's a hot, rockin babe that probably blew past you leaving your life feeling a little more empty without her in it."

5. If I were trapped in a burning car I'd probably have to find my own way out as Rainey tends to freeze up in those kind of situations.

6. If Rainey was being attacked by a bear she would probably pretend to be dead (I know that's the acceptable reaction to a bear attack, but that's her go to move in all situations) so it would probably leave her alone and go after me, in which case I'd have to wrestle the bear into submission with my bare hands.

7. If Rainey were cloned we'd probably go bankrupt... but it would be a sweet, wild ride until then.

8. If I found out Rainey was a robot then she probably could have torn the door off the car and saved me, crushed the bears windpipe and cloning her would probably be a lot easier.

9. Rainey's favorite thing to do (I hope) is another inappropriate thing to post.

10. Her least favorite thing to do... she really does hate bowling... and miniature golf.

Happy mothers day to all the mothers out there. Hopefully you are all being treated like you should every day but especially today. A special happy mothers day to my mom (who is probably having her worst mothers day ever) I love you mom and hope you feel better soon.