Ups and downs.

I will say this. So far, I think Jeff's new job is AWESOME. Not only has he been home from work each night this week at 6:30, but his work week didn't start until Tuesday, and it ended today, Thursday. He works three full, eleven hour days and has occasional catered lunches. (That's just high class, as far as I'm concerned. :) Then he puts seven hours in during his resulting four day weekend. I am sold. He's a bit reluctant to say how fabulous it is, simply because he hasn't been "working". I guess the company is going through some sort of process right now where there is a lot of waiting around, trying to come to a decision on the program they will use to do projects with. So now, Jeff is encouraged to do some freelance on their dime. He's getting antsy, I'm praising a company that actually saw what he can do, and is willing to pay him accordingly--even when he's doing nothing. Also, I'm going to brag a bit...Jeff was told that out of sixty applicants, he outshown them all. He doesn't seem to think that it's that big of deal. But if you ask me, he's finally getting some of the stuff for which he's worked so hard. (Also, Jeff's previous boss is asking Jeff back so he can train co-workers with stuff they should know, but he always did, so they didn't have to. Jeff was the one that took the time to figure stuff out on his own, and now he's severely missed). I'm just happy for my husband. And yes, I'm gloating...but he really deserves this.
Riley's first day of school went really well, according to her. She's made new friends, and gotten reaquainted with old ones. The sad part? Her best friend, Olivia, moved over the summer. My heart goes out to her, because I remember how painful it was, when my best friend moved away as a kid. I'm pretty sure she'll be okay, but it's going to be touchy for a while. She has been upbeat about not having any homework this week, though, so for that, I'm grateful. Cole is getting nervous about next week. He's had a couple breakdowns--making me promise him that while he's gone, Noony will be able to sit on the couch, and watch a movie...preferrably while covered with "blue blanket". I have made this promise a couple times, and am pretty convinced that there will be mention of it tomorrow, as well. But he seems to calm a bit when I promise that Noony will be looked after. He seems to getting in every last second he possibly can--his white rabbit has been brought along every errand we've gone on this week. I am honestly grateful that Kindergarten is only two and a half hours long, because we'd have serious problems if it were any longer. I think he's going to do just fine, though. It may take a few weeks to adjust, but he's a trooper, just like Riley. Jeff and I have started Dexter, season one. We've watched it before, but now that we also have Dexter, season two, we're starting all over again. And then the new season will start...ah, sweet autumn. It's all just beginning. Jeff and I savor our nightly shows, and now it begins all over again. I'm stoked.
I'm posting a couple photos from last week. I told Kelli that I would, so she'd have copies of them...but I want to warn my readers. I went for broke...I wore a bathing suit, as it was the end of summer, and I'd gone the entire time without coaxing this ginormous body into anything spandex. The sweats of some sort I wear daily have the same comfortable give, but do such a better job of hiding more. So in addition to the reflective nature of my skin, there's also the MORE factor. And this is always extra fun when you go swimming with the Coplen girls...I had a hard enough time when I was just nannying them, not hating myself for weighing more than 80lbs. But put on a bathing suit, and walk around jiggling while they lounge and there's not a spot of cellulite to be found...even worse. And girls, if you are reading this, it's only jealousy talking. Jealousy and inferiority. If I could look like you guys simply by, oh, murdering two or three people? I'd start making arrangements now.
The pool was fun, and I was a little sad that I'd avoided swimming all summer long, just because of vanity issues. Also, I think that my swimsuit is now lost to me forever. When I bought it, in JANUARY, it was cute and loose, and I thought that it would be used a gazillion times this summer. But there it sat, untouched until last week. I think I've stretched it out beyond recognition, but it's okay because I'm glad that I got to use it...So, thanks Kelli, for making us come along. The kids loved it, and I got burned--but in a good, "it's truly summer", way. And now that I've had the realization of summer, it's turning into fall, and I'm SO happy. I'm ready for the cooler weather and to put all my sweatshorts away. (I'm assuming that Jeff won't be objecting to this, either). So this is my goodbye to the heat. And hopefully, next summer, I WILL use my swimming suit as many times as I'd planned on using it this year. And hopefully, I'll be much smaller. I have heard it said that the third child is the curse to a woman's body. This was one of the reasons I was afraid to have a third baby--ONE of the reasons. Anyone have some insight on this? If it's bad news, I can take it. If it's good news, I need to hear it. Okay, it's time for sleeping. I'm rambling, and Riley's got school in the morning, so I need to be going. Until next time.

New Beginnings.

Things are changing 'round here. Jeff just changed jobs. This week was the beginning of him going to and from his office and being able to take off Mondays and Fridays, and yet, being paid for a full work week. He has to do the whole meetings thing, which isn't his favorite part, surely, but apparently when in high demand, people want to know what you're thinking. I wouldn't know. Big clients and all that. I'm just thrilled that when I have this baby he'll have more time at home with me. When Cole was a baby he worked full time and was going to night school, so seeing Jeff was rare, and having him alert to what was going on, and able to help out, was even rarer. So this time around, it will be drastically different, and I'm immensely grateful.
Today Riley starts school. Somehow I totally missed this. I really believed that I had an entire week left, that next Wednesday, the 27th, is when she would start. Thankfully I ran into a friend at Wal-mart-the bane of my existence-and she enlightened me that not only was later that evening, "Back to School Night", but that Riley would start school the next day, and then Cole, because he was going to Kindergarten, would start the next week. HE starts the 27th. Riley, gets to go today. Is it just me, or is that completely unfair to those of us that can't be held responsible for even the most menial tasks these days? Seriously. I was thankful that I pushed myself to get the kids school clothes and lunch items...that was a hunch that wasn't wasted, like so many of mine are. So a week from now, hopefully I can say that I'm on top of what's going on, and my schedule, and so on and so forth. Here's to hoping.
Last but certainly not least, I'm making personal changes that have been a long time coming. I won't go into detail, hence, the personal part. But I will say that this weekend was the beginning of something new to me. I've decided that I'm going to start being less of a people pleaser--because it's gotten to the point where I can't pull it off anymore. I'm going to focus on the things that I know I can handle, and cut back on the things I can't. So, after thinking about it extensively, and with the advice of many--recently and over the years, I'm making changes. I feel I've been accepting of others and what has made their lives better; even if I didn't understand, or necessarily agree. So I'm hoping that the same will go here. If not, though, it's okay. I've really pondered for a looooong time about how to find my own inner peace and how I need go about getting it. And I owe it to myself to try. Luckily I like myself enough to realize that there are options, and I owe it to myself to try them, and see what works. So that's that.
Anway, as you can see, big things are happening. And they are all good things, so I'm feeling really content with life right now. It's amazing how just taking a stand on a decision can really change your outlook on everything.
So I just sent Jeff off to work for the day. I'll wait around for a text from him telling me that he's doing okay, and that he's bored, but slowly getting used to what his new job entails. Next I'm going to go wake Riley and fix her hair, and take a ton of pictures of her in her first day of school outfit. And I'll marvel at how much I want from life just for my daughter, at how happy I am for her that her best girl friend is in her class this year, and how excited she is about it. And then I'll drop her off, and feel my heart break a litte because she's growing so fast and there's no way to stop it. Cole and I will wait here, and go over his letters and numbers and talk about him going to school next week, and how great it will be for him. And then it will be time to pick Riley up. Cole and I will be anxious to hear whether or not she likes her new teacher and how things were with Olivia...if they went back to being best friends, or if things were a little awkward at first. This will be our lives for the next school year, and I'm looking forward to it. It's different, but sometimes different is good, while always scary. New beginnings, and all. You know how it is.

Tags.

I actually have had a couple of tag games thrown my way, lately...so I decided to do them both at once. One of my cousins did a memory tag, where all commenters(you), list their first memory of the poster (me). So if you choose to, try to think about your first memory of me, and if it doesn't include my bad breath, boogers, or me showing very possible butt-crack, feel free to share it. (Even if it is embarrassing, which the chances are very likely, you're still invited to list it). In return, anyone that wants me to list a memory of them, may list the memory tag, or, just go on with their posts, and I can randomly list a memory on their blog...just as long as YOU know why I'm randomly commenting a memory. I'm sure there was a more eloquent way to describe this process, i.e., rules and such...but hopefully every reader is getting the basic gist.
The second one was the Tag from Amy. I need to list six random things about myself, for your reading pleasure. Get ready to be amazed.

1. According to the Hogle Zoo, I am approximately the size of an adult, male, Orangutan. (Just a little bit taller).

2. I make up words. I will say something...and Jeff will say, "I don't think that's even a word". I figure, if I said it, it's a word. If there is no definition of it, I can pretty much use it however I like. If there is a definition of it, and it's completely different from how I used it, I file that away as a lesson learned.

3. When I am singing in my car...I. Sound. AWESOME. I mean, seriously. You wouldn't even believe it.

4. Fall, to me, means new TV shows. Also, it means that new shows on DVD will become available for sale. I LOVE TV on DVD. It makes me happy.

5. I'm having a lot of WTF moments while reading Breaking Dawn. For fear of spoiling anything for anyone, that's all I will say.

6. I hate my hair. Hate, hate, HATE it. Even though it is my own fault, I am reminded each time that I look in the mirror, that I have the worst hair in the world. And it makes me sad, every time.

Okay, there are my six random things. Not overly interesting, sure. But totally random. As for picking people to tag next, I'm going to let you all off the hook. Basically, I think everyone has done this already...but should you feel like doing it, I'll be the first to blog-stalk you and make a comment. Cause, I really love hearing random things about people. Usually, those are the only things I can remember. Later dudes.

Okay, I'm changing my mind. I TAG KELLI. Now wow us all.

two thoughts.

Okay, so there are a couple of things weighing heavily on my little mind. First off, I'm rarely affected when celebrities die. I was sad about Heath Ledger, because let's face it...he was hot. Also, after seeing Dark Knight, I am convinced he was coming into his acting prime. That's just a waste, you know? But I'm sad today about Bernie Mac. I don't really know why...it's not like I'm a Kings Of Comedy aficionado or anything, but I did think he was funny. I actually liked the Bernie Mac show, and all his little parts in the "Oceans #" movies and Tranformers were quite fabulous, I thought. Also, I remember hearing a couple weeks ago that he went into the hospital because of Pneumonia...and thinking, "he'll be out in a week...no one dies of that anymore". Sad.
The second and completely unrelated thought is I HATE that stupid, dumb Katy Perry song: "I kissed a girl". It's on every single radio station in the state...and I find it pathetic that she's getting so much recognition for it. Because, hello, IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE! It's not like she's breaking new ground, or anything. The same song, the same gist, was recorded in the '90s by Jill Solibule or something...I don't know how to spell her name. I supposed if she hadn't written and sung about the same exact experience then I'd have to give Katy Perry some credit for being ballsy enough to put it out there. But this is just flagrant recycling. Come on, people. In the words of Syndrome, it's "lame, lame, lame, lame, LAME!" My question is though, is it everywhere that this song is big? Or is it just Utah? I mean, surely there is more chart worthy stuff, somewhere, right?
Anyway, I just had to enlighten you all. Happy Monday. That is all for now.

I got friends.

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you that commented in my time of need. I feel better knowing that most moms don't feel like mothering is easy, and that making all the decisions, everyday, isn't as cut and dry as some people make it out to be. Now I feel more normal, less stressed, and validated. Also, hearing that I'm a fabulous mother from all of you was a nice pat on the back. I may have to print out the comments section and frame it...just so others can "accidentally" see it when they visit my house. (I'm sure I'll come up with some covert, believable excuse as to why there are three copies sporadically placed in different areas of my home, plated in glass). Just kidding. Kind of. Like I said, to all you: thanks, I appreciated it.
Also, thanks to my husband for not only continually telling me to "not even think about it", and threatening to go punch the previously posted-about person in the face. (Now if THAT'S not a true example of manliness, I just couldn't tell you what is). Also, thanks to him for helping me figure out the problem I had with posting more links to blogs that are fabulous. Er, apparently when you type in the number of people that it can show, it WILL ONLY show that number of links. I mean, who knew, right? I just couldn't have been more surprised. (Or non-computer savvy). So, sorry to all that were thinking I had intentionally snubbed them. It just turns out that I'm a complete moron, and this shouldn't be news to anyone, really.
Lastly, I wanted to apologize for the last bit of my last post. Namely the part when I went off about everything disgusting me, and sounding very much like a "Man Hater". I don't hate men. I mean, remember all my boyfriends? I don't even hate men that read Guns 'N' Ammo magazine, even though I mentioned it. I was just on a rant...and usually when that happens, I use whatever example that pops into my head at that moment. No, this isn't a good quality, and yes, I'm aware that I should probably think more often before I write. However, I don't. When I'm mad, I go for the jugular. Jeff gets on the receiving end of this bad habit quite often, and it's not fair, and I should be able to exercise some control by now. But I don't/can't. Or, I've failed in all my attempts so far, I should say. I'll continue to work on it.
Anyway, I'd like to be confident enough in myself to say I don't usually doubt...but that would be a lie. I do try to get over it, and be better, because if I continually worry about what kind of person I am, I feel myself shut down and start to panic. Doubting myself as a mother and a wife though, is worse because instead of only me, it involves the people I love most. Long story short, it's really nice to have friends and family that are willing to comfort and console me. So thanks all. Next time I have an emotional issue, I'll make sure I post so you can make feel better about myself. :)
Just kidding. Sort of.

Cowboy Up.

(Photo by Cole)








I've been thinking a lot about something that was said to me recently. Something that I wouldn't have been able to deal with regularly, however, now that I'm pregnant, can't handle at all.
I won't say who exactly said it, because as you all know, I am NOT a gossip. (Two minutes out of each day, anyway). This happens to be one of those two minutes, so I'll not mention names...but I will give you the gist of everything. Anyway, first things first. I will own up to a lot of things about myself that aren't exactly happy or shiny things. Namely, and most obviously, my chubbarrificness, and my mental instability. After years of struggling with these downsides to my overall person, I'm finally coming into understanding that these are things I can't exactly change, but things I can continually work on. Also, they are both easier to joke about, than cry about when I have to face reality. So I will be the first to admit that I have quite a few negative aspects...this is okay. This is I think normal, as most people have a quirk or idiosyncracy or just plain embarrassing fact about them that isn't something they share in first introductions.
There is one thing that I can't be flip about. It's so important to me that when questioned by others, I usually am reduced to tears...because I just can't stand the possiblity that this is true. It's the famous good mom vs. bad mom debate. Am I a rotten mother? I hope not, I seriously do. That being said, I will admit that some days I have no patience. There are days that I sit and read and don't do anything motheresque. There are days that the whining of my children sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me, and I feel a headache coming on, and the only way I can get around it is to take a nap. Obviously these aren't my best days...these are days that I would never even be considered as a great mom. But, am I a ROTTEN mother? Do I neglect them? Am I turning them into serial killers or sociopaths because of my personal breakdowns? For the most part, I don't think so. Sure, I feel massive amounts of guilt, because I see other moms that have double the kids I do, that work, and that seem like they always have everything together. But that's not me. It's unfortunate for my children, truly. But I'm being realistic.
Anyway, I have been accused of ruining my son. Apparently, he's too much of a "momma's boy", and he spends way too much time with me. In this, I have basically erased all manly characteristics that he may have developed by...by what? By being with his dad all the time? By playing with the kids in the neighborhood? I will admit that he loves me. I will admit that his attention to me makes me happy. That when he and Riley come up to me and give me a hug or tell me they love me, that's the making of my day. But I was told that this is wrong. (Note: Riley is fine. Because she's a girl, she can spend time with me without turning into that freakshow that eats her boogers and scabs and will never have any friends. That, at least, is a relief). That he's not out there swinging sticks around and tearing grasshoppers apart and calling other kids names that are demeaning and rude, means he's going to have severe problems. So, because of this, I'm setting him up to be the picked on kid. In turn, he'll have no self-esteem, and then he'll act out, and then he won't have any friends, because everyone else will think he's weird and have some kind of unnatural love affair with his mom. Some of these things were actually mentioned as the "not named" accuser was trying to make their point. I, instead of saying something somewhat coherent, started crying and doubting myself like a little beyotch.
The problem is, I really worry about who my kids are going to turn out to be. I want them to know that as cliche as it sounds, they truly can do anything. That no matter who they are, I love them and am proud of them, and they constantly amaze me with their love and kindness and brilliance. But sometimes I'm reduced to that crying girl--the one that is so completely scared that I'm ruining two perfect little beings, by all the poor decisions I make. When someone else other than me points it out, it's all that much worse. So I guess my question is, what can I do to ensure that my little boy is comfortable being a sensitive guy, and yet, be that man that everyone expects him to be? I've seen so many examples of "men" that just disgust me. I find that Jeff is the best example to Cole, because he's kind and he's smart and he's thoughtful and yet, he's not afraid to do things that "true men" just don't do...according to the guns and ammo magazines. But Jeff can't be here constantly, because he's out there, supporting us. And so he's with me, day in and day out, and it's been said to me that I've completely dropped the ball. How do I cowboy up? All the suggestions I hear disgust me, because there's no way I want my son to turn into that boy that's just a jerk, and so often idolized because he's the epitome of what men are supposed to be like. So, like I said, let me know. I'll probably cry about it, but I'll try to see the other side, too. Just don't tell me I'm a rotten mom...because that's where I draw the line.

That Time Again.

So last Thursday I had to go register Riley and Cole for school. Actually, I was about four months late for registering Cole...I guess I was supposed to go do that stuff in April, however, I didn't get the paper that was in Riley's abyss of a backpack that told me the information. I actually called their school on Monday, just to ask if there would be another time to do it, and found out that later in the week was the day to register the kids, or they would miss out on their first day of school. So after I filled out endless amounts of paperwork and such, they will now let both my children occupy some of their space. Hopefully. A Kindergarten teacher took Cole aside and "tested" him. I was a little worried because I haven't worked with him the way I should have this summer. I was too busy complaining about being pregnant. Anyway, while I was busy trying to find addresses for our dentist and doctor, Riley sat next to me, and Cole was hopefully "Wowing" the teacher testing his abilities. So when he was returned, about ten minutes later, there were only two logical explanations. Either he showed extreme genius and showed her he knew all, or he didn't do very well. I'm afraid to say, it was the latter. She looked a bit concerned, and I asked how he did. Apparently he only counted to five....and I know that he can at least count to ten...usually to twenty. And then he "showed no recognition" of any of the alphabet. We worked and worked on it before Riley got out of school...and he was doing well. But like I said, this summer I completely dropped the ball. I did find it confusing that he hadn't retained ANY knowledge of letters.
As it turned out, actually, he did. I went to the dollar store and bought some alphabet flash cards and Jeff's been working with Cole the past couple of nights. Cole went from only recognizing and naming three of the letters and then two days later, knowing 24 letters without help. I guess when he went in to test he got some fruit snacks, and decided that he'd rather eat WITHOUT having to think. I have to admit, that sounds like something I'd do as well. From then on, he'd decided he was done. The woman that tested him mentioned "special classes" or the possibility of "all day kindergarten".
Really all he needed was the reality of actually having to KNOW this material. Before he just kind of thought it was all a joke. Now each night he goes through numbers and the alphabet with no problems. Occasionally, some mistakes, but no problems. This is typical "Cole", however. He decides when he wants to get serious about something. I worry about this. I worry about him going to school and the teacher saying something like: "Okay, this is the way we write an 'E'." and then Cole, because he's Cole, will say, "No it's not." Just because he wants to say that, and just because he refuses to believe that's the only way to write an E. This is just an example, of course, but typical of my son. He refuses to believe that he HAS to conform to anything. In school, this is a personality trait that just may cause some problems. Not that I really want to discourage it, because I think it's very important to his learning process to question everything the way he does. But I do want him to be polite, and eager to help his teacher make her job as easy as can be. I mean, he's my son, so I love how he does everything...I love how his mind works, and how he questions. But I also know how taxing it can be on my patience. Given both the facts that a teacher has to deal with approximately twenty other children with their own personality quirks, and that they are not inherently loved because of biological bonds, I worry that he'll drive his teacher to insanity. I've found this with Riley. Everyone that knows her knows what a soft-spoken girl she is. What a GOOD girl she is: polite, smart, kind, beautiful, and sweet. At school, she's a completely different person. She's boy crazy and giggly and bossy and still kind and still good, but has hardly any control over her own actions. Normally, she is all control...but at school, with friends, it's different for her. However, I can see how she enjoys the freedom of being someone else, someone she chooses to be. I can also see how it drives her teacher batty. Especially after the eighth time of telling her to pay attention. I guess my point is, even though you take the time, (or in my case with Cole, don't), to teach your kids the things they need to know, and to teach them how to act or behave....they ultimately are their own people. This is a relief to me, as much as it's nerve-wracking. I want both Riley and Cole to keep surprising me with the people they are. And keep impressing me with the people they are. When I imagined having a family, there were all these rules and steps we'd all follow. But the fact is, I'm dealing with individuals, and I'm still learning that this gives you all these wild cards that consistently and shockingly show up. It's scary, and it's wonderful. Just like my kids. Just like being a parent. So as school starts, I have to try to remember that though they're going to be trying my and their teacher's patience, they are learning, and they are becoming their own people. Once again, it's time to start the process...and I'm excited. I know they won't dissapoint.