Cowboy Up.

(Photo by Cole)








I've been thinking a lot about something that was said to me recently. Something that I wouldn't have been able to deal with regularly, however, now that I'm pregnant, can't handle at all.
I won't say who exactly said it, because as you all know, I am NOT a gossip. (Two minutes out of each day, anyway). This happens to be one of those two minutes, so I'll not mention names...but I will give you the gist of everything. Anyway, first things first. I will own up to a lot of things about myself that aren't exactly happy or shiny things. Namely, and most obviously, my chubbarrificness, and my mental instability. After years of struggling with these downsides to my overall person, I'm finally coming into understanding that these are things I can't exactly change, but things I can continually work on. Also, they are both easier to joke about, than cry about when I have to face reality. So I will be the first to admit that I have quite a few negative aspects...this is okay. This is I think normal, as most people have a quirk or idiosyncracy or just plain embarrassing fact about them that isn't something they share in first introductions.
There is one thing that I can't be flip about. It's so important to me that when questioned by others, I usually am reduced to tears...because I just can't stand the possiblity that this is true. It's the famous good mom vs. bad mom debate. Am I a rotten mother? I hope not, I seriously do. That being said, I will admit that some days I have no patience. There are days that I sit and read and don't do anything motheresque. There are days that the whining of my children sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me, and I feel a headache coming on, and the only way I can get around it is to take a nap. Obviously these aren't my best days...these are days that I would never even be considered as a great mom. But, am I a ROTTEN mother? Do I neglect them? Am I turning them into serial killers or sociopaths because of my personal breakdowns? For the most part, I don't think so. Sure, I feel massive amounts of guilt, because I see other moms that have double the kids I do, that work, and that seem like they always have everything together. But that's not me. It's unfortunate for my children, truly. But I'm being realistic.
Anyway, I have been accused of ruining my son. Apparently, he's too much of a "momma's boy", and he spends way too much time with me. In this, I have basically erased all manly characteristics that he may have developed by...by what? By being with his dad all the time? By playing with the kids in the neighborhood? I will admit that he loves me. I will admit that his attention to me makes me happy. That when he and Riley come up to me and give me a hug or tell me they love me, that's the making of my day. But I was told that this is wrong. (Note: Riley is fine. Because she's a girl, she can spend time with me without turning into that freakshow that eats her boogers and scabs and will never have any friends. That, at least, is a relief). That he's not out there swinging sticks around and tearing grasshoppers apart and calling other kids names that are demeaning and rude, means he's going to have severe problems. So, because of this, I'm setting him up to be the picked on kid. In turn, he'll have no self-esteem, and then he'll act out, and then he won't have any friends, because everyone else will think he's weird and have some kind of unnatural love affair with his mom. Some of these things were actually mentioned as the "not named" accuser was trying to make their point. I, instead of saying something somewhat coherent, started crying and doubting myself like a little beyotch.
The problem is, I really worry about who my kids are going to turn out to be. I want them to know that as cliche as it sounds, they truly can do anything. That no matter who they are, I love them and am proud of them, and they constantly amaze me with their love and kindness and brilliance. But sometimes I'm reduced to that crying girl--the one that is so completely scared that I'm ruining two perfect little beings, by all the poor decisions I make. When someone else other than me points it out, it's all that much worse. So I guess my question is, what can I do to ensure that my little boy is comfortable being a sensitive guy, and yet, be that man that everyone expects him to be? I've seen so many examples of "men" that just disgust me. I find that Jeff is the best example to Cole, because he's kind and he's smart and he's thoughtful and yet, he's not afraid to do things that "true men" just don't do...according to the guns and ammo magazines. But Jeff can't be here constantly, because he's out there, supporting us. And so he's with me, day in and day out, and it's been said to me that I've completely dropped the ball. How do I cowboy up? All the suggestions I hear disgust me, because there's no way I want my son to turn into that boy that's just a jerk, and so often idolized because he's the epitome of what men are supposed to be like. So, like I said, let me know. I'll probably cry about it, but I'll try to see the other side, too. Just don't tell me I'm a rotten mom...because that's where I draw the line.