The beginning of April. When things were good.

*This was partially typed BEFORE Easter, BEFORE I got sick.  But I thought I wanted to keep it on the record...so I posted.  Enjoy, or don't.  Whateves.*


I feel like I need to post...something today.  Why, I'm not too sure.  But my heart is full.  I got the kids to school, and dropped off some plastic Easter eggs, or actually, Easter "cupcakes", for Sydney's Preschool class this Friday.  (I noticed that they really don't sell the plain eggs that I remember from my childhood.  Which is okay, because the different patterned eggs and shapes for Easter baskets sold today are way cute.  I just get a little distressed when I have to purchase something for someone else.  Will they be alright with Easter cupcakes, instead?  Am I botching everything?  Will the activity be based on the traditional egg, rather than a new generation's cupcake?  Hmm...so much to consider).   Anyway, it seems like accomplishing two things involving me entering a school before 8:30 am, gives me a sense of completion.  You know, knocks a few things off of my "To Do, but-I-really-don't-freaking-want-to", list.  Honestly, I've kind of been dreading this week.  Riley has her maturation program on Thursday and I've got to drag Sydney along, so I know that's going to be embarrassing at some point in time, and then I need to be to both Cole and Sydney's classes on Friday at the same time, so I'm still trying to figure that one out...and then Jeff's birthday is on Friday, and we are celebrating Cole's birthday on Saturday, because Sunday is Easter, and birthdays have got to be a big deal at our house.  Even though they are all squished together, we each demand our own special day.  And that's how it goes.  Fitting it all in is the tricky part. (This is one of my coping mechanisms).

This is the other:

(Seriously.  Sometimes just putting my tennis shoes on will make me go work out, and things look differently--less intense--when you're sweaty and tired).  Anyway, all this stuff that needs to be done, got me thinking.  I'm grateful to not have to juggle this, and an actual job.  Because obviously I couldn't handle it.  (Two things before 8:30 am, remember)?    Also, Sydney is in a preschool class that she totally loves.  And despite the fact that someone told her, "Boogers are delicious", (forcing me to keep constant vigil that she won't test the theory, because I've caught her doing it), she's learned amazing things.  Her social abilities are beyond what I had hoped they'd become--she used to be that kid that really didn't care what was happening around her...a very "Jeff" characteristic.  

But now she's all about asking if I'm okay, or recognizing happiness and sadness, and being scared.  So many things we all take for granted--and yet they are such important parts of development. I often wonder if Sydney's case is exactly life Jeff, where she honestly KNOWS that something is happening, she just really doesn't want to put forth the effort in figuring it out. That the whole social part of any problem is just way more work than she's willing to take on.   Jeff will engage when I tell him I need his input, but as far everything else goes, he's just not comfortable with the issues of others.  I know that I won't hear any gossip from him, which is probably good for me, as I'm kind of a gossip conduit.  But you see?  It's something that I've always had a hard time understanding where Jeff is concerned, and then Sydney seems to be the same way.   Apparently, it's nature vs. nurture.  She's helped me realize that some things are beyond my control, when it comes to my kids. I mean, those mothers that you're judging because their kids are complete monsters, and she's not beating them into submission?  Well, I have a little more empathy.  Sometimes different kids just respond to different ways of...everything.  I thought that I had a handle on letting my kids be diverse, but this has been a really hard lesson.  One I needed. 
Anyway, my son will be 9 on Sunday.  We will be celebrating his birthday on Saturday, because having your special day on a holiday, is pretty sucky.  As I'm sure a lot of you know.  We are changing that.  

Watching the flowers grow

February is over!  So happy about this.  It means so many great things:  Closer to getting my iPhone 4s, Jeff and Riley and Cole's birthdays, Easter, (maybe not exactly in that order)...but all good things.  I'm expecting some rain, possible snow, and various degrees of visible sun in the upcoming future.  And you know, that's exciting for me.  Because February is over.  

I'm ready for summer.  I'm embarrassed to say this, really.  I hate the heat.  And I don't enjoy yard work.  But I do love having the kids home.  And not having schedules.  I'm wanting a little more freedom, I guess.  Riley will be in middle school way too soon.  And I'm kind of stressing about how to be that mom that deals with/understands what it's like to be an adolescent; with dances, and boys and mean girls, and all that stuff.  I wish it were too soon to be worrying about it all, but she's experiencing some of it, already.  And I'm kind of heartbroken.  It's too much, sometimes.  Not just for me, obviously, but for her. She's already having to sign up for classes, and decide what she's going to specialize in.  It's all starting:  Spanish? Honors classes?  I want this upcoming summer to last forever.  And I'm not overly excited for my first baby to grow up and be a teenager.  And I'm so not ready for her to have all the teen problems that will break her heart, and most certainly mine.  Ugh.  Anyway, I think this is why I'm really focusing on my iPhone--avoidance.  I was trying to get a bit of cleaning done the other day, and came across all these picture discs that I'd forgotten all about.  It made me a little nostalgic.

Do you see this?  Where did that time go?  It seemed like Riley would just be my little sweet girl forever.  And it hasn't happened that way.  She's not a baby anymore.  She's still sweet, but not a baby.  And I think it's making me really face my mortality.  
This used to be me and my mom:

My Aunt Sharon took that photo when i was two-ish.  (I put the print through a filter, the original is much cleaner, but I kinda liked it grungy). I don't remember that time.  At all.  And it's disturbing to me, because this is what's in store for Riley--coming full circle to see the picture of her and me and thinking, "That was SOOOO long ago".  

 And then just look at my Bubbers.   I miss that little guy.  He was so snuggly, and heavy, and slobbery...it kind of makes my arms ache just looking at him.  Both in good and bad ways.  78% of his entire weight was in his head.  And I loved how cartoonish he constantly looked.  Now he's a big kid.  He's still sweet, and I love him so, but it's not acceptable to squeeze him like I used to.  And that hurts my heart a bit. 

Still super handsome, but not a baby, anymore. And his body caught up to his head. So I guess things for him are going well, and that's what's most important.  But you know me--I have to complain about everything. 
Sydney cracks me up all day everyday. This is my favorite age, where she says things that are completely classic and smart and hilarious.  And I was really worried that we were going to pass through this stage.  I'm so glad I get to be with her during the day. 
 I'm astounded by how sassy she's become.  I'll get upset with her, and yell, "Put. It. Down!" (for example) And then she'll reply with, "okay, okay....JEEEZ!" It cracks me up every time.  The other day I found her asleep in my bed.  That's a huge no-no.  Not because she can't snooze in my bed, but because I know that if she takes even the slightest nap, she'll NEVER go to sleep that night.  (Btw, she didn't drop until 2 am the next morning).  Anyway, upon trying to wake her up, I told her that if she didn't get up right then I'd push her out of my bed.  She grunted and tried to get deeper into my blankets.  I pulled them off and told her that she had to get up, NOW.  She turned to me, and said, "I can't.  I too snuggly, Mom".  

If only.  If only she and Riley and Cole were to stay that stage where they were constantly "too snuggly".  Because I truly love it, and it makes me feel validated.  I know I do important things as a mother.  But when the option of just sitting with your little ones and snuggling isn't really an option anymore?  Kind of a kick to the gut.  
Anyway, that's my life as of now.  Trying to get my kids to slow down.   Despite being a lazy person, it seems like I've got a crapload to do, and it makes me tired just thinking about it. So I have no idea what really busy people do.  (I'd ask Jeff, but then he'd spend forever explaining, and I just don't have that kind of time).  
So enjoy yourselves.  Love your babies.  If you don't have babies, love what makes you happy, and enjoy it.  Because things, the best things, are gone WAY too quickly.  
Peace out.    

February

Today is Valentine's Day.  Not really a big deal at our house.  But I got some seriously excellent presents...and it made my day.  So thanks, My Love.  You. Are. The. Best. 

 Anyway, Jeff has a new phone.  The iPhone 4s.  Apparently, even though our contracts were purchased at the exact same time, he gets a new upgrade THREE months earlier than I do.  Is that fair?  No.  No it's not.  And sometimes I am just so jealous I can't stand it.  On the other hand, I love, love, LOVE my iPhone.  I would hate for anything to happen to it.  But having a new and improved one is even better...so I anxiously await my upgrade.  And I'll get it in April when everyone in our family is getting a year older and getting tons of presents...so I guess I won't feel too left out.  Anyway, that's just what I've been coveting, lately. 

 I kind of like it here.  This month has been nutty weather-wise.  One day it's almost 70 degrees, and the next, it's snowing.  

 Pretty sad that it's been an entire month, and that's all I can come up with, right?
In all honesty, I'm ecstatic.  I'm thrilled that's all I have to occupy my small mind.  It seems like this last year I've had this weight on my chest.  This really depressing weight that had stuff to do with Sydney's development, personal changes, family issues...things that I really couldn't talk about, and things that were not helping my fight against personal mental insanity.  But things have taken a turn for the better.  And then better again.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that life stays at this place for a while.  In no way do I want to jinx it, but I feel like I need to acknowledge the way things have gotten continually better, in all areas.  So  there it is.  Syd continues to surprise me everyday.  Stuff I just assume is too difficult for her, she gets immediately.  And she and I have actual conversations.  It's kind of surreal.  Especially when I think of last year at this time.  How I just prayed she'd be able to say more than 50 words.

  Jeff and I have been dating again.  It's fantastic.  We have a daughter old enough to babysit for her allowance, and extra expenses she might have here and there.  And I know that she knows her way around, and I can trust her, and the kids feel comfortable with her.  Also, if we are out longer than we thought, she's easily bribed with more money.  Should she really have a problem with something, I know she'll tell me...but she's pretty flexible.  I'd kind of forgotten what it was like.  We went from last year having a total of FOUR dates, and this year we've already been on three.  Believe me, it's a whole new world. 

The kids are doing well.  Riley is enjoying her friends and being a preteen.  She's emotional, and it's weird to take it seriously, sometimes. But I remember what it was like to feel that way, so I try to be patient, and give the proper sympathy or advice.  She's as always, my Riley.  I trust her completely to do the right thing.  And I know that's a lot of pressure on an 11 year old, but there it is.  She's fantastic.  And at the age where she's changing so quickly...losing her girlhood.  And in a way, it makes me sad, but happy for her. 

Cole is having a harder time.  He has this hair that I love.  And he likes it.  He doesn't want to cut it.  And certain classmates, and his teacher, and your basic old farts that don't realize it's a different time and generation, and why do they give a crap...think they need to voice their opinions--about his hair being too long.  Seriously.  These people think that he should be used to the comments, or realize that that's their right, because if he's going to have that hair, he needs to accept criticism.  It makes me angry.  Because it seems like they should have something in their lives better  to worry/comment on.  Anyway, I have decided to just start putting people in their place.  You heard it here, first, folks.  Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing my kiddos sad.  So I've decided I'm just going to be that ball-busting mom that will take no crap from anyone.  And that thought makes me happier.  I want my boy to know he's wonderful.  And what he decides about his hair, is his choice.   I needed to vent about the hair thing, because lately I've just had enough of Cole questioning what he thinks he likes, but others think he shouldn't like.  That's crap.  And I'm tired of it.  Other than that, he's liking school, he's still sensitive, but he's kind.  And let me tell you: I think he's overly handsome. Soon the girls will be noticing him.  And then he'll have a whole new set of problems. 

See?  A hunk.  Anyway, it's time for bed.  I need to get up early, do the morning carpool and then go to the gym.  Which I know is another one of the reasons life has been so good--having a gym membership.  I'm getting less and less timid about figuring out the weight machines.  And I even completely fell over an elliptical trainer and got three gigantic bruises on my leg, and still felt like I needed to work my abs, (or lack thereof), instead of slinking out to my car, and home.  For me?  That's pretty big.  Good big.  Hope this week is great for all of you.  Lates.

2012, Suckas.

So, I'm sure you all have noticed that it's the beginning of a new year?  And that 2011 is over, and it all just flew by amazingly fast?  Well, if you haven't, I'm filling you in.  Here we are.  I'm 34 years old.  34, YO!  And I don't feel it.  Embarrassingly there was a time in my life where I honestly felt like by the time I hit this mark I would need to be put down.  Seriously.  And here I am, hoping for another at least 50 years.  People always tell you how fast it goes, and you always think it's just because they're old and suffering from various types of dementia.  And then it happens to you.  Until then, you just can't comprehend what a head trip it is when your years start to feel like months. It seems to go by faster with each kid.  So for those of you that have decided less is more?  Less just may be more.  More time for you.  I'm just saying....

Anyway, Jeff and I celebrated 13 years on Jan. 2nd.  For those of you that are married, it's odd how it kind of feels like you've been married forever, at each and every year.  I think it's because you get  into this frame of mind that your life NOW includes this other person.  That's what it is.  They're just permanently a part of you.  And that's how I believe it should be.  Maybe that's not really romantic, but I think you all understand. You love them, you appreciate them, they're just part of you.  And even though it's been x amount of years, it now just feels like...always. Personally this way of thinking has made me happiest.  

Anyhoo, the Christmas season is now over, and that makes me a little sad.  It always goes way too quickly and this year it was so warm.  No snow.  So I felt a little slighted.  However, I got myself a brand new bicycle from Santa Clause, and it's fantastic, and I can't wait to ride it.  Because I haven't yet.  Because NOW it's started snowing.  And I got sick.  And stuff just seems to happen.  But once it starts being nicer outside?  I'm gonna be a biking fiend.  For real. 

It's been a little daunting to get back on the blog thing again.  Am I getting back on?  I don't know.  I don't know if I'm giving up, or what.  It just hasn't been as satisfying as it once was.  This attitude could be because I'm sick, too.  Whatever it is, I feel bad saying that I'm "back on the blog".  Cause, maybe I'm not.  I have a lot to say, but then I know that's a bit boring for everyone else.  So we'll see.  If I tell myself there are no expectations, than I may find posting on my blog more interesting.  
Two days before Christmas, our neighbor had a heart attack, and died. His wife, and his two teenage sons, are picking up the pieces, but, I can't imagine what they deal with day in and day out.  All that responsibility and during the time of year when I personally feel I need to be with my family, more than ever.  It made me think about my life and the things I take for granted each day.  
I decided that time with my kids, with Jeff, is most important.  One of my goals for this year is to be more comfortable with my family time.  I know it seems like our little family is selfish with our time together but I've thought about it, and I just feel like this is what's most important to me...so how could that be wrong?  Regardless of how confusing it is to others that we enjoy each other's company so much, we just do.  So I'm going to appreciate it--even take pride in it.  Who knows how long it will last?  Squeezing every last second seems like the most logical decision.

I feel like I need to tell my reader(s) that Sydney has started this year speaking in full sentences each day.  In fact, I talked to her preschool teacher, and asked her how Syd is doing.  She paused, and said," intellectually, she's doing really, really well.  However, she needs a lot of help in listening to directions:  staying in her seat, staying on the mat...that kind of thing.  And she'll get there, but she needs practice".  
Which I took to mean, "She's a smarty, but she's also a brat that thinks the world revolves around her, and she really won't do anything she doesn't want to".  Which is essentially, what I gleaned from her, as her mother.  So I couldn't be happier.  Not only is my baby spot on, but I was totally right. :)  
In all honesty, I am beyond thrilled.  Sydney is a completely different child than she was a year ago, and I'm so grateful for her progress.  It's a huge relief/blessing/anything immensely good.
I hope it's the same for all of you.  That this year is/will be better than years past.  At least for the most part.  Later Dudes.  

Rain v.34 {by Jeff}

So, today is Rainey's birthday! She's 34 and she thinks she's old but you'd never think that talking to her. She's young at heart, she looks better than ever, and I think she always will. Today is a day all about her. For us that's the best part of birthdays. Everything is what you want the way you want it all day long. So in the spirit of that lets talk about Rainey. 

It's difficult to put into words how I feel about Rainey. It wasn't always though. When we first got married it was a much more tangible thing. Something you could hold on to (and I did). But it's grown beyond that. My love for her is an all consuming fact of life. Rainey is awesome, but you all know that already. You can't know her and not think that. I'm officially declaring that an impossibility.

I enjoyed the Rainey themed question and answer I did a while back so I thought I'd do a round 2. Maybe next year Syd will be able to participate.

What's your favorite thing about Rainey/Mom?

Riley: She understands how I feel and she takes me out shopping when I want to go. 

Cole: She's nice and she's the best Mom I ever had. She does make me food... I'm just glad to have her in the house

Jeff: She's just the greatest friend you could ever imagine. She literally makes your life/day/hour better just by being there with you. Plus she's great eye candy.

If she wasn't your Mom what would she be?

R: She'd be working at the post office, Because she told me she was interested in that job a few years ago.

C: A teacher. Because she's smart and she helps me with my math.

J: Well… She's not my mom, but if she wasn't my wife she'd maybe be living in Wyoming as like, a Rodeo Princess or something. I don't know... I've got no real answer for that because in all other alternate realities she still married to me.

What cartoon character is Rainey/Mom most like and why?

R: Bubby (the whale) from Flap Jack. Because she stands up for her kids and their attitudes are alike. 

C: Frankie from Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends. Because she always has to do work and because she makes good food.

J: Leela from Futurama. If you trade having one eye for thinking she's crazy it's a perfect fit. She's tough and feisty and she even has a lost confused man-child who adores her.

If you could change one thing about Rainey/Mom what would it be?

R: Nothing. There's nothing to change. I like her the way she is.

C: Nothing. Because she's a great Mom.

J: That's a tough one. Aren't your faults also what make you who you are? I'll go with something small like her dislike of The Venture Bros.

How did Mom and I meet? (I just wanted to see if they new this)

R: Keri worked with Mom, Keri said that she should meet Dad. Keri took Mom over to your house and you were kinda shy but now you're happy together because you got to know each other.

C: You met her at the bagel shop. You were eating bagels and you asked mom for a date.

J: So, Riley was pretty much right. Cole is confusing the story of how we got engaged with how we met. I asked her to marry me at Einstein Bagel in Orem.

If Mom was bitten by a Zombie what would you do?

R: I'd find an antidote or get bitten too, so we could be Zombies together.

C: (Refused to answer because I said the word Zombie)

J: Personally I like Riley's answer, to become Zombies together (I'm so proud) but Rainey and I have already discussed this many times. "Destroy the Brain or Remove the Head". Nuff said.

If Rainey/Mom had a super power what would it be?

R: Super cleaning powers so she could get chores done faster, we'd have a cleaner house and we could spend more time together. Oh, and then we wouldn't have to do any work.

C: The Power to clean the house faster. Because it takes her a long time to clean the entire house.

J: I don't know what all this cleaning super power is about (she does a great job without the powers) Rainey currently has a few super powers but I can't discus them in polite conversation. Oh, I just thought of something. I don't know how many people watch Fringe but there's this character who had the power to make everyone in the vicinity feel exactly how he feels, good or bad. That would be her super power.

So there it is. Maybe that's some insight into how we feel about Rainey… and maybe not. Anyway, we love you Rainey. You are the center of our universe. Happy birthday!

Laying stuff out.

I got a new computer.  It's my birthday gift for this year...this time I'm thinking my birthday gift will stay MINE.  Sydney kind of took over my iPad.  And then Jeff just came out and said it was hers...and then it was.  BECAUSE I love her, I didn't fight it too much.  But this year?  I'm not budging.  This computer is mine, and mine only.  And I'm not sharing.  BAM.
That being said, I'm pretty psyched to be able to blog in super-style.  Maybe I'll start posting more regularly.  Or, maybe not.  Maybe I'll have to start Skyping with all my many boyfriends, since my new fancy computer has a webcam. We'll have to see.  It's harder than you'd think to be this hi-tech; just so many options. 

                            (Jeff and me almost exactly a year ago.....time is going way too fast)
These last two weeks have been jam-packed.  Well, jam-packed for me.  My brother came to visit for a week, and it was a lot of fun. Well, it was for me and the kids...I'm assuming you all can guess how Jeff reacted to it. Yep... in our room for five straight days. You know, sometimes I forget how different our lives are from everyone else's.  I mean, does this surprise me or the kids?  No.  Is it something that other people just don't understand?  Yes. After 13 years, I've accepted that there are things about Jeff that are permanent--like his hatred of social expectations.  Just like he's accepted there are things about me that are permanent--my NEED to be social.  I guess I'm putting this out there, because even after all this time, people still don't believe me when I try to explain that this is the way we work.  It's weird, yes.  It's awkward for others, yes.  But honestly I'm married to my best friend.  I love him more than words can say, and I know that he loves me and the kids.  We see it daily.  I'll trade awkward moments any day over being married to someone that is the life of the party, yet maybe wouldn't be as tuned into me or our little ones. I hope that makes sense, because that's how it is.  And I won't apologize for it, anymore.  To my family, or anyone else.  It's time to accept it, and just move on.  Whew...that felt really great to just freely put out there. My siblings see that the kids and I are happy, and they try to understand our family dynamic. That's all I ask.  Just for people to try.
Anyhoo, I  got to know my brother, Jayson, a little better. One of the things he said to me was he saw how great Riley and Cole and Sydney are.  He knows they live in a family that truly loves them, and they feel good here.  He told me that was proof that whatever our parenting style is, it's working.  And working well.  Amen.

Jayson came home from his second deployment to Iraq at the first part of November.  I was nervous about how it would be with him here.  But it was great.  After a couple days Syd was used to him, and enjoying his company as well.  I worried that I'd have to continually entertain him, and since we are boring people, that was a little nerve-wracking.  However, he was chill, and even though we were busier than we normally are, it was chill and relaxed and we ate a ton.  So, you know--good times.
He surprised me with a year membership to Gold's Gym.  I'm loving it. So much.  Today Muffy and I met at the one in Orem and I did some weights, (pathetically), and then hopped on the elliptical machine for a while.  One thing I know is that working out makes me feel really good about myself.  Maybe I can't physically see the results?  But it can't be as bad as just NOT doing anything, right? I want Jeff to go with me.  Just to try it.  And I know he will, for me.  Cause that's how he is.

  Hope you all take time to appreciate the one/ones you love.  Because they're most important.  Faults and all.  Later Dudes.  I'm starting my birthday week......right now.  :)

Halloween

It's been a weird couple of weeks, honestly.  My condolences and prayers go out to all the Andersons.  The oldest of the Anderson kids went into a coma last week. It was sudden and serious and it's been really scary ever since.  I'm hoping that the family and friends find some comfort.  They deserve that. 
It feels too soon to be into November already, doesn't it?  I've been enjoying the weather...and have felt more energetic.  So, you know...Yay Me!  
Syd is officially going to preschool starting December 9th.  Jeff and I had been struggling with this decision.  Not because we didn't want her to, but she's just so little, you know?  Right after she turns 3, she'll be getting up early on Friday and I'll send her onto a bus, and she'll be gone for 2 1/2 hours.  Ugh.  It kind of kills me.  And I was so against this, as first.  But then I took her into the classroom, to meet with her possible teacher, and saw how her eyes lit up. We went in at the last part of an ongoing class, and the kids were sitting in a circle, listening to a story.  Syd was completely mesmerized. She literally could NOT sit still, despite all the warnings I whispered to her.  She kept moving closer and closer to the other kids, copying what they were doing, and trying to join in.  And that, for me, was proof enough that this is something that she needs to do.  She WANTED to be with the other kids, and that's not how she usually is.  So I'm excited for her.  I'm trying to be happy that she'll be doing something that I'm sure she'll love, but I'm also kind of scared.  And heartbroken.  My baby....she's growing up. 

Halloween was fun for all of us.  We went out before the actual day--had a couple parties to attend and then on the actual day, we let Riley and Cole go out with friends and took Syd to a few houses until it got dark.  She loved trick-o-treating.  It took her a while to figure out that when people opened their doors, that DID NOT mean she was allowed to just go on inside their home.  But as soon as she realized they had some sort of obligation to give her candy?  She was running to each house, right after the other. 

Pretty much the most adorable cupcake I've ever seen.  Right?  Right. Riley was Medusa, and Cole was a skeleton.  Riley was a little concerned that she wasn't pretty enough, but I tried to convince her that she chose to be Medusa.  A lady with snakes in her hair is NOT sexy.  Nor should she try to be.  So the fact that Riley assumed she should be, was a little unsettling to me. Later on she told me that she liked her costume, but I was still a little sickened about the need to have to be something attractive for Halloween.  Remember when you were supposed to be scary? Yeah, those were the good old days.

Anyway, they all made fantastic hauls.  We have no lack of candy at our house--STILL.  And it's been almost an entire month.  My thighs are loving it.